back to article Shock: NASA denies secret child sex slave cannibal colony on Mars

NASA has not enslaved a colony of children on Mars nor is it using them for vile orgies on the Red Planet nor feasting on them to harvest their precious bone marrow, officials have told The Register. We had our doubts, too. Asking the US space agency's spokespeople to confirm or deny the existence of a murderous conspiracy in …

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  1. Paul Crawford Silver badge
    Alien

    School boy mistake

    To assume you harvest alien sex slave's organs. You just periodically drain them of their bodily fluids at said orgies.

    Really, where did this Robert David Steele guy get his education? OK boys, he clearly needs a refresher course (or three) of The Probe. Got enough lube in the ship's hold?

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: School boy mistake

      "where did this Robert David Steele guy get his education"

      more like re-education.

      think drug-induced hysteria during exit interview from CIA [plausible deniability].

      heh heh heh

      black helicopters? Oh, NOZE!

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: School boy mistake

      Really, where did this Robert David Steele guy get his education?

      More interesting question is wtf did this guy do @ CIA and how many more lunatics are left there. Frankly, I am no longer surprised at its tendency to sponsor lunatics. Fruitcakes sponsoring fruitcakes.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: School boy mistake

        Either late onset psychosis or this guy is psyops.

        I mean, the CIA likes to kill Castro, delivers weapons to ISIS and can't detect an Arab Spring onset, but organharvesting on Mars?

        There is even a Wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_David_Steele

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Alien

          Re: School boy mistake

          "There is even a Wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_David_Steele"

          Wow! Cinsidering this guys life and education, either he's off the cliff bat shit crazy or there's something much deeper going on here. I'm going with the former as the more plausible :-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Black Helicopters

        Re: School boy mistake

        I'm sure that it's not Mr. Steele's fault. He probably had his brain fried by the CIA during the mandatory workplace LSD-laced sleep deprivation studies.

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: School boy mistake

          Is Robert Anton Wilson still alive? It might be time for the Illuminati Trilogy to have a forth instalment, a la the HHGTTG

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: School boy mistake

            HE

            'Is Robert Anton Wilson still alive?'

            Sadly, he's gone...

            It might be time for the Illuminati Trilogy to have a forth instalment, a la the HHGTTG

            alas, Robert Shea is also gone.

            Even though I've got copies on my Nook, I now feel a need to dig out my 41 year old paperback copies of the Trilogy..

            AHD

            1. oldcoder

              Re: School boy mistake

              You might find what they have been changing ...

              :-)

          2. handleoclast
            Coat

            Fnord

            Title doesn't say it all. Title doesn't say anything at all. Title is completely blank.

            1. Sgt_Oddball

              Re: Fnord

              That just leaves me feeling quite uncomfortable..nay even mildly anxious for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.

            2. Joe Harrison

              Re: Fnord

              Mods there is something wrong with this post. I somehow can't read it my eyes keep unfocussing away from the screen.

        2. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: School boy mistake

          Umberto Eco passed away last year sadly, though Foucault's Pendulum only took the piss out of conspiracy theories from the Knights Templar up to the book that Dan Brown ripped off (The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail).

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: School boy mistake - Umberto Eco passed away last year sadly

            That's what they want you to think.

            The Bavarian Illuminati have got him locked up and are trying to extract from him the secret occult message hidden in Il nome della rosa. He keeps telling them it's a spoof but they say "of course you would say that".

            Anon for obv. reasons.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: School boy mistake

          Seeing as though I'm unable to top the sheer f*cking craziness of the article I'm going to go with another theory.

          Trump supporter interviews CIA person to show he's a complete f*cking crackpot to discredit the CIA due to a certain investigation about Russia.

          That's some deep tin foil hat shit right there but it could actually be true which is f*cking scary.

          Ogilvy knows best with regards to Mars.

        4. macjules

          Re: School boy mistake

          "I'm sure that it's not Mr. Steele's fault. He probably had his brain fried by the CIA during the mandatory workplace LSD-laced sleep deprivation studies."

          No, it was the excessive rectal probing that did it.

        5. Version 1.0 Silver badge

          Re: School boy mistake

          "LSD-laced sleep deprivation studies" ... which my eyes read as

          LSD-laced sheep deprivation studies. which I think makes much more sense.

          Seriously, we elected an idiot and people are acting surprised when this sort of crap surfaces? I have completely given up reading any on-line news source in the US,.

      3. Greenee

        We know he's CIA cos he said so???

        And we know he is ex-CIA ...because he says so?

        Used to be folks who claimed to be Napolean were put in sanitarium. Now they get press Headlines like "Napolean interviewed; says he lost Waterloo because Jewish yetis were wearing his socks. Chief Rabbi puts out press release. Says Yetis don't currently wear socks"

        Please rewrite article; crazed delusional lonely 70yo with no verifiable credentials believes he's ex-CIA; manages to provoke national response from of NASA ?

      4. Greenee

        We know he's CIA cos he said so???

        And we know he is ex-CIA ...because he says so?

        Used to be when people claimed to be Napolean we put them in a sanitarium. Now they get press Headlines like "Napolean interviewed; says he lost Waterloo because Jewish yetis were wearing his socks. Chief Rabbi puts out press release. Says Yetis don't currently wear socks"

        Please rewrite article; crazed delusional long 70yo believes he's ex-CIA; manages to provoke personal national response from of NASA ?

    3. oldcoder

      Re: School boy mistake

      Shouldn't need lube - he has enough sleaze to not need any. Besides, you might even get his attention focused.

      You wouldn't want to have any contaminated lube around anyway.

    4. Amorous Cowherder
      Facepalm

      Re: School boy mistake

      Well, they laughed and mocked Darwin when he posited that the earth was millions of years old and that we were descended from apes...although it has to be said this shite about Mars paedo-colonies is pretty far out there when it comes to whack-o-doodle theories!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: School boy mistake

        "he posited that the earth was millions of years old and that we were descended from apes"

        They would have been right to do so had he said that, but he didn't. He said we might have a common ancestor.

        1. William 3 Bronze badge

          Re: School boy mistake

          That's not what the religious wackos heard him say though, was it.

        2. Sweep

          Re: School boy mistake

          If gorillas are apes, and humans are apes, then it follows that our common ancestor was also an ape.

          And actually he did say, in The Descent of Man;

          "If the anthropomorphous apes be admitted to form a natural sub-group, then as man agrees with them.....we may infer that some ancient member of the anthropomorphous (ape) sub-group gave birth to man."

      2. Woza
        Joke

        Re: School boy mistake

        They laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein, they laughed at Darwin... but they also laughed at Bozo the clown.

    5. TheVogon

      Re: School boy mistake

      Apparently NASA also recently issued a denial that intelligent life had been found in the WhiteHouse...

    6. Farnet

      Re: School boy mistake

      Brings new meaning to the term "American Intelligence"

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Trollface

    Wow...

    Just when I thought this world couldn't get any stupider...

    No wonder people like Elon Musk are so eager to get off this planet !

  3. DagD

    Cover Up

    Didn't Bill Clinton take a private shuttle to the red planet last year???

    Jeffrey Epstein is up to something...

  4. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Unhappy

    Reigniting the debate on what constitutes an important skill

    And spotting when someone is crazy as a s**thouse rat remains one of them.

    1. Vector

      Re: Reigniting the debate on what constitutes an important skill

      "And spotting when someone is crazy as a s**thouse rat remains one of them"

      In this case, that's not a skill. Skills require training and practice. This just requires a brain.

    2. handleoclast
      Coat

      Re: Crazy as a shithouse rat

      Nope, "crazy as a shithouse rat" doesn't cut it. It's totally inadequate to describe the situation.

      Gotta be "Crazy as a shithouse rat in a lunatic asylum. On the Napoleon ward. Which is infested by squirrels. And bats. After somebody put LSD in the water supply. And Donald Trump came to visit."

      FTFY

      1. Alien8n

        Re: Crazy as a shithouse rat

        @handleoclast

        "Don't eat the eggs"

        "Why not?"

        "We put LSD in the eggs"

        "We also put LSD in the water"

        "But we're drinking the water"

        "I know, great isn't it"

        *in my defence this is from memory, but it's still a great film :)

  5. b0llchit Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    I'd like to see for myself

    Where do I sign up for a trip? Please?

    Space travel seems like a nice adventure. Having an orgy at the destination only makes it more juicy and attractive.

    Oh, and never again ask to deny a good conspiracy theory. Feeding the trolls is best left to the little green men on Mars. And, yes, they are green. It is the advantageous low-contrast combination since all good conspiracy believers are red-green colorblind too. That is also why they forget to eat their greens and turn red all the time when you ask them a question.

    1. Stevie

      Re: I'd like to see for myself

      Smells like a well-funded astro-paedo honeytrap to me.

      Stage 2: Advertise cheap rocket flights to Mars using voiceover copy taken from Ray Bradbury's Martian Chronicles and footage from Expanse.

      Stage 3: "Please step through this Mars Rocket hatchway".

      Stage 4: Release the tiger.

      1. Stoneshop

        Re: I'd like to see for myself

        Stage 4: Release the tiger.

        RSPCA on line four for you.

        A sixteen-ton weight will work just as well.

        1. Stevie

          Re: Stage 4: Release the tiger.

          RSPCA on line four for you.

          A sixteen-ton weight will work just as well.

          Not on a gang armed with strawberries it won't. They might have a whole punnet each.

          1. collinsl Bronze badge

            Re: Stage 4: Release the tiger.

            What if they have pointed sticks?

            1. Stevie

              Re: What if they have pointed sticks?

              Shaddup!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'd like to see for myself

      Heh,

      ever read 2000AD?

      Remember Chump-dumping?

      I must also query this part of your post

      'Feeding the trolls is best left to the little green men on Mars. '

      surely you meant to write

      Feeding the trolls to the little green men on Mars is best..

      (not that I know anything about the existence or otherwise of Martian LGM you understand...just remember, Human flesh is porky meat...)

  6. maccy
    Alien

    An investigation is needed

    I think we should send Alex Jones to Mars, to check out these disturbing allegations.

    1. yakitoo

      Re: An investigation is needed

      Yes but do we have enough elastic bands?

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: An investigation is needed

        If you amputate his limbs a significant mass saving can be achieved. If you just took his brain, then the payload would be measured in grams (for American readers, that's equivalent to say a $40 bag of weed)

  7. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    Only one question

    Where's the Playmobil reconstruction?

    1. The Indomitable Gall

      Re: Only one question

      You are one sick puppy.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The inward spiral in journalism continues ..

    This hack seem to be ready for retirement.

    Imagine when Google starts censoring ElReg for fake news.

    Wont be long now...

    1. Alien8n

      Re: The inward spiral in journalism continues ..

      @AC

      New here?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Trump listens to this guy

    That's all you need to know about his administration's credibility in determining what's "fake news" and what isn't.

    At least unlike the "pizzagate" idiot, it isn't possible for a nutcase with a gun to show up on Mars to free the child sex slaves...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Trump listens to this guy

      Turns out Alex only got a one day pass that anyone who publishes can get. Heck, they even give them to high school students!

      So much for Jones being "a pal of President Trump." Nice try tho. ;-/

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Trump listens to this guy

        @Big John

        There are other quotes from Trump in support of Alex Jones. I'm sure someone here can dig out a video.

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