back to article Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers

If it's Friday, it must be time for On-Call, our weekly column that recounts readers experiences of being asked to dodgy jobs at dodgy times for dodgy reasons. Last week we featured the tale of a tech support chap who took a call from a tech support scammer and managed to keep him on the phone long enough to get him logged in …

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  1. Torben Mogensen

    Quick solution

    While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs -- and your time is probably much more valuable, to you at least.

    So when I get a call from someone claiming to be from the Microsoft Tech Support Centre or some such, I just say "No, you're not" and hang up.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: Quick solution

      There is an even better one:

      "I believe you have the wrong number, this is X city police department, fraud squad, would you please be so kind to provide your name, address and telephone number we will get back to you shortly".

      1. Shady

        Re: easy pickings

        Ha, reminds of a old website long ago where you could enter a "friends" details - whereupon they'd receive a very authentic looking email from the FBI (this was 20 odd years ago) informing them that they had been monitored viewing very illegal pornography and they would be contacted shortly....

        I did this to my (normally) very jovial, ebullien, porn-loving friend whilst he was sat close by so I could monitor his reaction. He looked so close to death I never dared own up.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Quick solution

      One word in your message makes it worth it. "Fun"

      When the fun stops, stop - but not until then.

    3. Alister

      Re: Quick solution

      While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs -- and your time is probably much more valuable, to you at least.

      This is not the proper BOFH spirit!

      NOTHING is more important than having fun taking the piss out of these scammers.

      (Oh, except preparing a roll of carpet, a bag of lime and a large block of cement for the next luser who dares to raise a support ticket)

    4. regadpellagru

      Re: Quick solution

      "While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs -- and your time is probably much more valuable, to you at least.

      So when I get a call from someone claiming to be from the Microsoft Tech Support Centre or some such, I just say "No, you're not" and hang up."

      Well, yes, exactly that. I don't really have scammers' calls but a never ending stream of People calling "on behalf of " my electricity Company to sell me solar Panels ...

      I'm doing this way:

      - get the phone set open

      - wait to make sure I detect a Sound detection algorythm

      - say hello

      - get the noise of phone set on from their side

      - put the phone off

      Done, quickly, without the usual bullshit.

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Quick solution

        "I'm doing this way:"

        "wait to make sure I detect a Sound detection algorithm"

        Have the word "Hello" followed by a pause on the answering machine. I do that, and turn off the ringer. The message is short and to the point, so legit callers don't have to wait long. If I hear a human [that I want to], I pick up the phone. Otherwise, I don't need the disturbance in my day.

        Phones are not fires. Phones are not floods. Phones are not incoming tornados nor meteors hurtling down on top of my head. Phones are not gushing blood spewing out of a serious life-threatening wound.

        A ringing phone is NOT an emergency. I leave my phone ringer OFF.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Quick solution

      > While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs

      It's not a waste of your time to waste theirs. All the time they are on the phone to you they are NOT on the phone to someone who might get taken in.

      You are doing society a service and if enough of us waste enough of their time then the whole thing stops being financially viable for the boys in Kolkata.

    6. Kane

      Re: Quick solution

      "While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs"

      Yars, but any time that is spent (not wasted) keeping them busy, means they are not scamming anyone else.

    7. Olivier2553

      Re: Quick solution

      "While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs -- and your time is probably much more valuable, to you at least."

      Contrary to them, you know what is going on and you can multitask. If you miss something they sau, it is not critical, while they must hand on to the phone to score.

      While you ask them to wait, you can do something else, they cant have multiple call simultaneously.

      And honestly, lagging them does not require such brain resources that you cannot do anything else at same time.

      1. Kubla Cant

        Re: Quick solution

        While playing elaborate pranks on the scammers may be fun, you are wasting your own time as well as theirs -- and your time is probably much more valuable, to you at least.

        The answer to this is some kind of phone bot. I came across a site run by a man who'd written a bot to handle cold-callers. Mostly it just says "Uh-huh", "OK", and "Yeah", but occasionally it comes out with something like "You'll have to repeat that... I've been taking sleeping pills and I've just woken up." or it shouts a request for coffee to somebody else in the house. There's an amusing recording of an insurance salesman interacting with it.

        Elsewhere, there's a great recording of a guy who freaks out a telephone canvasser by pretending to be a cop investigating the murder of the person being called.

        1. Tim Seventh

          Re: Quick solution

          "The answer to this is some kind of phone bot. I came across a site run by a man who'd written a bot to handle cold-callers."

          The infamous reply with Huh, mmm, Yes, and There's a bee on my arm guy. I believe this is the source you were talking about.

          www.jollyrogertelco.com/

          1. r4co0n

            Re: Quick solution

            Jolly Roger Telephone

            That's the right domain: http://www.jollyrogertelephone.com

            YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3OxCWLEmoIhNMm-hnvBm9Q

    8. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Quick solution

      To be honest, saying "No you're not" is 3 words more than necessary. I just hang up, I've never had one call back.

    9. Chemical Bob

      Re: Quick solution

      I just put them on hold and see how long it takes for the light to go off.

      1. Mi Tasol

        Re: Quick solution

        I agree if I am in a good mood.

        But if they interupt me at the wrong time I tell them " bullshit ar***le because I don't have a computer you lying !@#$%^".

        It is surprising how slow some are at hanging up at that.

    10. BlackKnight(markb)

      Re: Quick solution

      no it really wasnt at the time i was quite bored.

      I just regurgetated the worst of my help desk calls from back in the day (some really did leave scars).

      He did stay on the line for about 45mins, untill i got bored again and told him he had no chance. you wouldnt believe the langauge. :D

      for marketers, i politely say im not interested, followed by letting them speak to one of my young kids. or just placing the phone down and going back to what ever it was i was doing.

    11. phuzz Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Quick solution

      No need to waste your own time, just tell them to hang on while you find a pen, then leave the phone next to the radio/tv and go on with your day.

      Eventually they'll realise you're messing with them and hang up, but it can take a long time before they give up hope.

    12. Jeffrey Nonken

      Re: Quick solution

      Sorry, you don't get to decide what my time is worth to me.

  2. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    I string them along for a bit occasionally interjecting random words and phrases. Like "OK, I see the command prompt. What should I do now? 42" or interrupting them by saying "fried eggs" and then they say "sorry" and I say "nothing". It slowly builds up their anger until I get bored and tell them something extremely nasty about their genitals.

  3. Chris King

    Freak 'em out !

    I haven't had to deploy my "emergency" phrase yet, but I fear one day I shall have to...

    "You sound yummy, will you be my friend ?"

    Bonus points if I manage to sound dangerous-yet-heavily-medicated while saying it.

    1. Hollerithevo

      Re: Freak 'em out !

      But what happens when they do want to be your friend?

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Freak 'em out !

        "But what happens when they do want to be your friend?"
        Suggest that you will be happy to use a condom?

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Freak 'em out !

        "But what happens when they do want to be your friend?"

        get full contact info, then thank them and tell them you're going to send all of that info to the cops (to avoid callbacks). Then do it (along with the time of day and a proper summary).

    2. Robin Bradshaw

      Re: Freak 'em out !

      By be my friend did you mean harrass them into joining your professional network on LinkedIn? :P

    3. druck Silver badge

      Re: Freak 'em out !

      Or how about setting up a throwaway VM with some nice FBI wallpaper to give them the shits? Or maybe they be even less likely to mess with one that has an ISIS flag adorning the backdrop.

  4. John H Woods Silver badge

    There's got to be a small market for booby trapped VMs to point these pesky pests at ... I'm sure we could come up with a list of features ... maybe a Linux VM masquerading as a Windows box that coukd infect them with ransomware? Or delete their call lists?

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Megaphone

    So many good ideas, but most take so much time; I just talk really quietly, then use a loud whistle.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Trollface

      "I just talk really quietly, then use a loud whistle."

      an old modem might help. command it to 'answer' and the first couple of tones are ear-splitting.

      /me imagines a phone scammer throwing down the headset in either case - can't remove it fast enough to avoid ear damage.

      1. Fatman

        RE: old modem

        Back in the '90's my employer would be hounded by assholes trying their copier supplies scam.

        I had a dial up modem attached to the pc, and wired in parallel with the 'guts' of a 1A deskset1.

        One day this asshole calls up, and tries to pull his shit over on me, and I wasn't having it. I fired up the modem program and had it dial a number. As the modem started to bang out the tones, I screamed out at the top of my lungs: "God dammit Sarah, you stupid c--t! Can't you see that I am using this line!" I then hung up on the SOB.

        The boss walked in, and had this puzzled look on his face, a short explanation resulted in a smirk as he walked out of my office.

        1 For those who are too young to know, the 1A key systems were electro-mechanical in nature, using a 'fat' telephone cable (25 or 50 pairs), and one or two rows of line selectors ('keys')

        If you want further reading:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1A2_Key_System

  6. kmac499

    “So … uh…what are you wearing?”

    Brilliant; beats all of mine for a quick disconnect.

    My growng list include..

    Which computer? this is a Data Centre

    Will this make my pirate copy legal?

    I already have antibacterial software, that's right antibacterial it works with things bigger than viruses

    etc...

    Tis the duty of all IT savvy folk to waste as much of these scums time as possible.. and it's fun.

    1. Korev Silver badge

      I helped get one of the UK power companies prosecuted after they annoyed me too much on the door step. It was most satisfying to see them get fined.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Infected

      "Are you sure my computer has a virus? I ways wear a condom while surfing porn. Can you come check me after you clean my computer?"

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I usually put the phone down on them as soon as it is obvious it is a cold caller spiel. One rang me back immediately to complain that I was being very rude - and that his god would curse me.

    A doorstep chugger had the door shut in their face when they wouldn't take no for an answer. He then kept ringing the bell and shouting abuse through the letterbox for several minutes.

    1. Chris King

      "One rang me back immediately to complain that I was being very rude - and that his god would curse me".

      I had one say his god would curse me...

      "Maybe, but I think he'll be too busy cursing potty-mouthed scumbags like you !" *click*

      1. Soruk

        If the caller is Indian (or that neck of the woods), I sometimes do...

        "May your gods smile upon you and bless you with many children. All of them girls."

        ....and if their accent is so thick you can barely make out what they're saying...

        "I'm very sorry, I don't speak Urdu".

        [Yes, I know, Urdu is spoken in Pakistan, not India]

    2. Captain Hogwash

      Re: A doorstep chugger

      These people are not very bright. I once told one that I didn't sign up to anything proposed by cold callers. He kept insisting for a couple of minutes that he was not a cold caller.

      Back on topic, telling a tech support scammer that I'm not using Windows usually elicits the hopeful response of "a Mac?" Simply answering "No." tends to cause an immediate call termination.

    3. Phil W

      "that his god would curse me."

      Correct response to that : "Yeah but my god is bigger than your god and can beat your god up."

      1. SunfflePungus

        Arguing about who has the better imaginary friend, a great way to pass the time.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "He then kept ringing the bell and shouting abuse "

      It's at this point you open the door and ask if they want to join you in a game of baseball. Except you've only got a bat handy.

      1. Mark 85
        Devil

        Excellent. I was wondering what a nice bucket of water tossed out the front door on them would do...? Throwing the bucket after the water would be optional. Since we're overdue for our religious nutcases (two guys, white shirts, black ties, riding bicycles) I'll test it on them.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge
          Devil

          "Throwing the bucket after the water would be optional."
          Our local rural supplier still sells galvanised iron buckets. Much more effective than the plastic sort :-)

          My face technique with god-botherers is to start a discussion of Leviticus. "What? You tell me it's the inerrant word of god and you've never read it?" Worth it for the look on their faces. Yes, I am the spawn of Satan :-)

        2. PNGuinn
          Happy

          re: a nice bucket of water tossed out the front door on them

          Years ago my dad told me that when he was a kid the milkman made a comment to his mum that his dad took some exception to.

          Apparently grandad came to the door, picked up the milkman and physically hurled him down the path. Followed by his crate of milk bottles.

          Some time later the dairy manager came round to apologise.

          Happier days.

          1. Phil W

            Re: re: a nice bucket of water tossed out the front door on them

            I hate to tell you this but I think that milkman might be your real grandfather.....

    5. PatientOne

      "One rang me back immediately to complain that I was being very rude - and that his god would curse me."

      Option one: Sing " My god's better than your god" (the lyrics are out there, trust me - just can't remember them off the top of my head)

      Option two: Inform them that "My god's a Fun god, my god's the Sun god, Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra"

      Option three: Ask them what their god does to sinners like them.

      Option four: Reply with "from hell's heart i stab at thee for hate's sake i spit my last breath at thee"

      Or laugh

      Or hang up.

      Depends on how much time you feel like wasting, and remember - if they call back they might forget to hide their number so you can pass it on to the ICO/Oftel etc. After all, they've just threatenned you over the phone, and as they made the call - that's illegal :)

      1. Clockworkseer

        "Option one: Sing " My god's better than your god" (the lyrics are out there, trust me - just can't remember them off the top of my head)"

        As I recall:

        "My god's better than your god,

        and my god's bigger than yours

        My god's coming round your god's heaven to show your god what for"

        Glorious tuneage.

        The old classic is "How did you get this number? Please stay on the line while we trace you No civilian should have this number."

    6. John Tserkezis

      "A doorstep chugger had the door shut in their face when they wouldn't take no for an answer. He then kept ringing the bell and shouting abuse through the letterbox for several minutes."

      Following some choice abuse, I had one scammer call be back 3 times saying "you can't say that to me!"

      Turns out I could.

  8. Aladdin Sane

    Bugrit, millenium hand and shrimp

    Told him, I did

  9. Drat

    Jedi mind trick

    "Let me turn my computer on. Whilst it is booting up I have a very special message for you from your god, who is extremely unhappy you have fallen in to a life of crime. You should go an tell the local police what has been happening, it is the only way of saving your soul..."

  10. Felonmarmer

    I tell them about a documentary I saw showed how people who work in call centres like these are frequently ripped off by their bosses with stories of payroll errors that mean they won't be paid till next week, and then next week there's another excuse until finally they give up and leave.

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