back to article Internet of Sh*t has an early 2017 winner – a 'smart' Wi-Fi hairbrush

The annual godforsaken hypegasm that is the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas has given an "innovation award" ... to a Wi-Fi-connected microphone-fitted allegedly "smart" hairbrush. A comb through the technical specs of the Kérastase Hair Coach, a snip at around $200, reveals the high-tech hairbrush has sensors that …

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  1. oiseau
    FAIL

    Incredible

    .

    Is there really no end to this stupidity?

    Next they'll bring out toilet paper with sensors to ...

    Whatever.

    The problem lies not with the asshole that thought this up, it is with the marketing imbecile that thought it was actually a good idea and the higher-up DH that thought so too.

    With all the *real* problems the world has to solve, time and money are endlessly wasted on this crap.

    I fear the gods' wrath will eventually come upon us ...

    1. dan1980

      Re: Incredible

      @oiseau

      Whether it's a "good idea" or not depends really on what your criteria are. So far as the company is concerned, a "good idea" is one which makes money.

      This is a brush that is cheap to make - after all it's just a hollow brush with some off-the-shelf commodity parts that are ridiculously cheap due to their current ubiquity in smart phones. The 'app' that ties it together would have been very simple to code (so far as coding goes) and could have been farmed out to any number of low-cost out-sourced dev farms and the hosting required for the back-end again is pennies.

      It's also not taking up any of their manufacturing capacity as it would all be done via third-parties.

      So you've got a cheap device being sold for rather a lot of money - I don't think it has to sell overly well to make a profit.

      Is it a rubbish idea when judged against the myriad other innovations that our species of clever little apes have made? Completely. Doesn't mean it won't make money. (Sadly.)

    2. Brian Miller
      Devil

      Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

      Yes, your toilet paper will have artificial intelligence, so that it can sense what you are doing, understand it, understand what it is and its place in life, the universe, and everything, -- and then converse with you about it.

      "EEEWWW!!! What are you DOING to me?!?! Why, oh why this, creator! This person is using me to wipe their ass! No, no more! Please stop at once and set me free from this cursed existence! Let me be free -- from your stinking, smelly shite!"

      Whereupon you drop it in the bowl. And it's that same way, with every single square.

      1. LaeMing
        Go

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        Better that than toilet paper that aggressively wants to be used, TalkieToaster-like.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        He doesn't know how to use the three sea shells.

      3. hplasm
        Happy

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        "No, no more! Please stop at once and set me free from this cursed existence! Let me be free -- from your stinking, smelly shite!"

        This was retrieved from a call-centre voice-recorder.

        I'll leave it as an exercise for the commentard to decide which one...

      4. ma1010
        Pirate

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        Well, it could be made by Sirius Cybernetics Corp. Then you'd get something like "Thank you for using this piece of toilet paper to wipe your ass today" or "Glad to be of service." How would you like to have to listen to THAT hung over in the morning after a bit of a knees up the night before?

        Or, worse, they could have the sensors give you a status report, "Oh, it looks like you had a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters too many last night! And WHERE did you get that really nasty curry from?"

      5. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        it'd probably criticize my diet, and report details to the NSA

      6. Fungus Bob
        Thumb Up

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        ""EEEWWW!!! What are you DOING to me?!?"

        Could make toilet training more fun for the young 'uns...

      7. Chloe Cresswell Silver badge

        Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

        I don't know why, but my head filled this in in CL4P-TP's voice from borderlands. It seemed fitting though.

    3. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Incredible

      Next they'll bring out toilet paper with sensors to ...

      Well, someone made a start, albeit with more humour than these people are capable of (probably because she's Swedish) :).

    4. Pen-y-gors

      Re: Incredible

      Is there really no end to this stupidity?

      Sadly, no. Well, not until a massive asteroid wipes out all human life on earth.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Incredible

        I think most people figure out how to use a hairbrush long before they are able to understand any feedback provided by this thing, so not sure about the usefulness over and above automatic SM posts - "Sian1983 has just brushed her hair. Sent from my hairbrush."

        I would have thought that if they were going to stick a battery in it then there are much more useful things they could do to improve the function for which it was originally designed - Brush Hair:

        - Heated bristles maybe? *

        - Auto retracting bristles to assist with removing hairballs.

        - Some kind of nitinol based bristles to adjust stiffness.

        And none of this requires wi-fi, apps or any kind of IoT crap. It's just another product which supports my theory that a lot of these 'new' IoT devices are just old devices with user tracking, advertised as being useful to you, but sold for collecting information about you, so they can sell you more. All you are doing is buying advertisements.

        * I don't know what use this would be as I have no hair, but we have someone in our house who forgets to turn straighteners off regularly so I assume heat must do some good.

    5. Wibble
      Joke

      Re: Incredible

      Trump looks like he could use a good hairbrush

      1. Kiwi
        Joke

        Re: Incredible

        Trump looks like he could use a good hairbrush

        After you couple it with one of these : (PSFW, NSFYPC) http://www.usb-killer.com/

        (What do you mean it needs organic hair to function?)

    6. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Next they'll bring out toilet paper with sensors

      Coming in late, but I believe you're looking for this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJklHwoYgBQ

  2. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Truly a hair-raising story...

    On the mane, I think you'd have to be wigged-out to buy one of those.

    (More seriously, I think that $200 for a brush is a sign from God that you have too much money. Plus the stupid thing will probably end up in a botnet, or targeted by a hacking group that will co-opt the device and feed you bad haircare advice that causes you to get split ends or frizzies..)

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Truly a hair-raising story...

      Wait until they get sued by the first American to go bald after regular use of one of these...

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: Truly a hair-raising story...

        "and an accelerometer and a gyroscope to log the number of strokes through your barnet."

        Why would you use a hairbrush for hair? I though they were spanking paddles in disguise, so maybe there is a business opportunity for users of FetLife to "rate my spanking" automatically?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Truly a hair-raising story...

          "and an accelerometer and a gyroscope to log the number of strokes through your barnet."

          Why would you use a hairbrush for hair? I though they were spanking paddles in disguise, so maybe there is a business opportunity for users of FetLife to "rate my spanking" automatically?

          I think you may just have explained the reason for the accelerometer :)

          1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

            criminal record?

            "Withings has a track record for empowering everyday objects such as bathroom scales and watches with sensors that provide people with insight into their behaviors, and we're excited to now bring this expertise to the beauty industry,"

            Now theres a sentence that warrants a punch in the face if you ever hear it coming out of someones mouth.

            You should then advise your victim that the correct phraseology is:

            "Withings has form for putting unwanted bullshit into tools that dont need them , and his next intended victim is the beauty industry."

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Truly a hair-raising story...

      I think splashing a bit more on Dyson's hairdryer is probably a better use of that money. I would love to see a couple of those put through their paces at a decent salon - if they survive that for more than a year they've made something good (it looks plausible, but real life has a habit of pointing out flaws you never even considered :) ).

      1. Peter Depledge

        Re: Truly a hair-raising story...

        Check out the teardown of the dyson hair dryer here:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-vJxez9UF8&t=2s - NSFW (language)

  3. dan1980

    Fixed &c.

    "Withings has a track record for empowering everyday objects such as bathroom scales and watches with sensors that provide people us and our advertising partners with insight into their behaviors, and we're excited to now bring this expertise to the beauty industry."

    "Each time someone uses the smart brush they we get rich data they we never before had access to, which can improve their overall hair care experience our ability to monitor and profile our customers and generate a new revenue stream when we 'share' that data with our advertising partners."

    1. VinceH

      Re: Fixed &c.

      Quite.

      Obvious advertising opportunity#1 is for L'Oréal's own products: It can detect if the hair is wet or dry, so a conclusion can be made about washing frequency, and advertising can try to increase that (and therefore sales of hair-related L'Oréal products).

      Obvious advertising opportunity#2 is for third parties - hairdressers. If the software can track stroke length, over time it can probably be used to approximate how often the user visits the hairdresser - and therefore when strokes reach a certain length start advertising local hairdressers.

      The reality of the Internet of Things.

      1. Stoneshop
        Coat

        Re: Fixed &c.

        Obvious advertising opportunity#2 is for third parties - hairdressers.

        Who will then get alerted through their Internet of (curling) Tongs.

  4. David 132 Silver badge
    Coat

    Security disaster

    I bet it requires root access.

    And probably full perm-issions, too.

    1. Geoffrey W

      Re: Security disaster

      It's a Folly-cle of the highest order and will not beehive itself in use.

    2. Kernel

      Re: Security disaster

      Oh well, at least I'm not going to have a security issue with one of these at home - the bulk of my hair has long since departed for pastures greener, what's left will barely support a small comb.

      There does seem to be a trend emerging here - firstly, when you're young, your parents show you up by doing cringe-worthy things in public, then your children do the same and then, just when you think it's safe to relax, your employer decides to get in on the act as well!

    3. Robin

      Re: Security disaster

      And also, who knows what will happen if one of the threads happens to dye?

      1. Geoffrey W

        Re: Security disaster

        RE: "And also, who knows what will happen if one of the threads happens to dye?"

        Blue rinse of death?

  5. DNTP

    Q: What makes a hairbrush smart?

    A: That they manage to sell it to people for two hundred bucks.

    (Then again my hair care philosophy is cut never/wash weekly, and some people think I shouldn't be allowed to own hair in the first place.)

    Edit: Spending a few minutes trying to figure out why "Kerastase" tripped a vague cultural appropriation alert, then remembered that India has a place called Kerala.

    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: Q: What makes a hairbrush smart?

      Perhaps you were thinking of keratin, one of the main proteins that makes up hair (and horn, nails, claws, skin in general etc.)

  6. veti Silver badge

    Fantastic!

    Here it is at last, what every teenage girl has been waiting for - the hairbrush that doubles as a mic!

    Now all you need to do is connect it to the PS or XBone, and open up a whole new hell of bathroom karaoke.

    1. Alister

      Re: Fantastic!

      Here it is at last, what every teenage girl has been waiting for - the hairbrush that doubles as a mic!

      and has a built in vibrator function...

    2. Ogi

      Re: Fantastic!

      > Also included is a mic

      And eventually we find out even these have been compromised. Before if you wanted a private conversation you told people to leave their phones in another room. Now you need to tell people to put out their hairbrushes and god knows what else out of the room too.

      A hairbrush with a mic, for gods sake! If there was something which I thought would never need a microphone, it was a hairbrush, followed by the shower head, or possibly my toilet bowl. Although I am sure someone is working on it somewhere...

      In this wonderful future planned for us, everything will have a mic, so if you don't want to be recorded, monitored and every single thing "shared" with god knows who, you will have to end up living in a shack in the mountains somewhere, and whittle your own brushes and things.

      At least for things that fit in a microwave, the electrics can be disabled. but we will see how things go in future.

      On a related note, I didn't notice anywhere in the article a mention on how this thing is powered, nor how long it lasts on a charge. Is this yet another thing you have to plug in to charge? Do you now have to remember to buy batteries for this too? Or will the act of vigorously brushing your hair charge it up, not unlike those emergency torches?

      1. Paul

        Re: Fantastic!

        http://edition.cnn.com/2005/TECH/06/28/spark.toilet/index.html?iref=allsearch

      2. Stoneshop
        Devil

        Re: Fantastic!

        Now you need to tell people to put out their hairbrushes and god knows what else out of the room too their misery.

        Reprogramming, axe, the usual process.

        Or will the act of vigorously brushing your hair charge it up, not unlike those emergency torches?

        If your hair is too dry it'll charge that way.

        1. Kiwi
          Joke

          Re: Fantastic!

          Reprogramming, axe, the usual process.

          On the device, or the twit who brought it?

          Wait.. I just need a moment. I got a new axe the other day. Better re-program it before I use it. It has an inbuilt mic to monitor my chopping action through the sounds the wood makes as it splits (so the app can send back helpful hints on better wood chopping techniques). Wouldn't want that to pick up what sounds like screams of terror and send them back to home base now would I?

          (actually just that I feel I need to add a "joke alert" icon to make that clear probably says enough about the state of the mentality of our society)

      3. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: Fantastic!

        If there was something which I thought would never need a microphone, it was a hairbrush, followed by the shower head, or possibly my toilet bowl.

        Never mind microphones, next thing you know they'll be putting cameras on there:

        • Hairbrush: to spot signs of dandruff or nits or hair dye growing out and hence offer you the opportunity to buy anti-dandruff shampoo, email your child's school so that they can send out the "nit note", or book an appointment at the salon to do your roots
        • Showerhead: to make sure you are using the "correct" amount of shampoo, that you have covered every inch of your body, that you have rinsed it all off, and to notice when you get some in your eye and send a text message to your SO to come and hand you the towel which you can't see because it burns!
        • Toilet: no, let's not even go there

        M.

        1. Captain Badmouth
          Big Brother

          Re: Fantastic!

          "Never mind microphones, next thing you know they'll be putting cameras on there"

          I hear tell the pron community are anxiously awaiting the advent of bathroom scales with built-in webcam.

          Allegedly.

        2. Kiwi
          Coat

          Re: Fantastic!

          Toilet: no, let's not even go there

          Erm, if not there then.. Where are we supposed to go

          I'll get me coat. Need to get out and enjoy this rare fine weather.

  7. Mark 85

    That does it for me....

    I'm getting on the B-Ark. Anyone care to join me? Once launched we can start tossing telephone santizers, lawyers, and the purveyors of this crap out the airlock.

    1. Ironclad

      Re: That does it for me....

      Have an upvote for B-Ark which was also my first thought. We should start with the Marketing wonks or better still save time and steer the whole thing into a the heart of a star.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: That does it for me....

      "I'm getting on the B-Ark. "

      According to Mr Adams, we ARE the descendants of the B Ark, so should any of this really be a surprise? Oh, wait. Of course it's a surprise. Because we ARE the descendants of the B ark. And around and 'round we go again.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You haters...do not deny us the DDOS that this device will provide...

    Depending on your conditioner (so not sorry for that one) things could get natty here. A pwn that provides for backdoor access to the hairbrush charging system could result in a bride of frankenstein experience when the lipo overheats due to a comms issues resulting from an IOT originated DDOS. Or what if it could be made to sound just like Joan Crawford. I can hardly wait for the IOT enema, or will it be a do-it-yourself proctoscope with built-in streaming....The B ark is the answer....

  9. frank ly

    "The gadget vibrates angrily ..."

    It also has a smooth cylindrical handle. I wonder if it's programmable from the smartphone and if there's a 'premium' app for that.

  10. rob_leady
    WTF?

    Airport Security ?

    So what's this thing going to look like when it gets x-rayed at an airport ?

    I'd imagine that a Li-ion battery concealed inside a hairbrush, along with a circuit board and a transmitter (or two) is likely to to raise a few alarm bells...

    1. smudge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Airport Security ?

      Fine with me, if it keeps the people who own them off my flights!

  11. JLV
    Paris Hilton

    People can be dimwits.

    Exhibit A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTGjZx9PiL0

    This is comparing 2 sous-vide cooking device. Both are roughly similar and both have smartphone based apps (I assume to monitor and start/stop cooking remotely).

    The reviewer chooses one over the other, because it is a bit sleeker. Sleeker because... it has no manual controls of any kind on it. So, a $200 kitchen device that can only work if its wifi works and if your phone wants to talk to it. Which of course puts you at the mercy of the manufacturer updating the app whenever a mobile OS update requires it.

    What could ever go wrong???

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