Got to dash out for some rubber johnnies? Amazon has a button for that Running out of bog rolls or prophylactics and can’t be bothered to hot foot it to the local shops? Fear not lazy 21st century human, for Amazon has found a solution to a problem that - for most of us - doesn’t exist. The almighty US retailer has imported the Dash button to the UK, Germany and Austria: a Wi-Fi connected plastic …
The BBC article on this mentions that some kind of 24 hour restriction could be put in place to stop repeat orders if the button is pressed additionally within the 24 hours.
I think this is neat in one way, but entirely wrong in execution. The idea of the button, fine, but it should send a note to a shopping list that you can check at the end of the day or week for things you need to buy, which can then be ordered online or sent to your mobile (or printed even) for when you go to the shops next. Ideally the item 'request' wouldn't be sent to a shared server shopping list but to a local one, but of course knowing all these cloudy companies that wouldn't happen.
I can think of 2 groups that would find these things very useful:
1 - The elderly who are finding it more difficult to get about - and this will mean they can stay slightly independent for a longer. And, they may still want to use rubbers ...
2 - The other group would be those with physical disabilities. Sometimes trying to order things online can be painful long-winded whereas simply hitting a button strategically located will make things easier.
The environmental disaster of delivering small worthless products separately or in small batches.
These are all generic products. Washing power is undifferentiated, barely fragrant, white soap shit. You'd be an idiot not to pick the bulk supermarket version, otherwise you're literally paying for a TV ad campaign to make other fucking idiots buy the same brand.
The way this is going, where future internet-of-SHIT washing machines have a menu giving you get a fake choice between multiple Proctor and Gamble sub-brands.
Dystopia mode: The washing machine won't work until it's associated with an Amazon account.
Hard dystopia mode: The washing machine doesn't have any buttons, and you have to control it using the Amazon app.
Wake up to U2 - Songs of Innocence, playing on my iClock.
Dress in black polo neck. I don't have any other clothes since my Apple washing machine destroyed them all for me.
"Siri post a review of the new iphone. 5 stars!"
Amazon drone opens my internet-of-doors, and dumps my new iphone in the hall, which my old iphone helpfully ordered last night.
"Siri show me a point-of-view video of queuing for the new iphone."
Put on my chucks, glasses with no lens, and comb my ironic moustache.
Get in my iCar. "Drive me to work". It drives me to Starbucks instead.
Not a problem because labour laws are progressive, and it's illegal to fire a millennial just for never turning up.
Coffee cup reminds me its very important to vote in the upcoming general election. Thanks Starbucks, otherwise I'd not have bothered.
I open the government e-voting app, and tap 3Jobs. Every democratic country has a clone of Steve Jobs running for the Apple party. I think 3Jobs is even more benevolent than 2Jobs.
People get mobile phones that are subsidised but tied to a particular network so why wouldn't they get a washing machine that is subsidised so long as you use a certain brand of detergent from a certain supplier. The proles tend to be strapped for cash on large purchases but willing to sign up to pay slightly over the odds on the weekly costs a bit like buying stuff on the never never.
"The proles tend to be strapped for cash on large purchases but willing to sign up to pay slightly over the odds on the weekly costs a bit like buying stuff on the never never."
A local store only sells you household appliances on lease-buy. They have an example price poster in the window, presumably required by law, that shows the punter pays about double the RRP.
hmm, whats the bets that after you've associated it with your amazon account, it then sends your loginname and password in clear-text every time you hit the button...
and of course yeah, no sodding use in a house with kids, my little un's 2nd most favourite thing in the world just at the moment is pressing any button he comes into contact with repeatedly.
I second that motion...
(on a side note, it'd be interesting to see how many rubbers get ordered by accident if the buttons attached to the bedpost..say if the owners of said bedpost get really frisky.....also that reminds me, must by a latch for the bedroom door, wonder if it's too late to get amazon to deliver today?)
I remember when the girlfriend and I first got down to the rumpy pumpy stage of our relationship. We were on a night out for her birthday, we got back to her student digs and we went through the motions and realised that we had none of Durex's finest. So I told her to hang on, and I ran down the road to the local petrol station/Tesco. Searched high and low for the goods, only to notice they were behind the counter. Slightly out of breath, I asked the woman behind the counter for a pack of condoms.
She then asks me which ones. I don't know about you, but when you're on a promise, you've ran/sprinted half a mile to get to a shop only to spend a further 10 minutes looking in the shop for them, you're really past caring what you get. I just said originals, she scans them, I hand over my bank card when she tells me the machine is broken. So I dash out of the shop to the ATM, it's out of order. I then run 200/300 yards to the nearest bank, get £20 out because they had ran out of £10's, run back to Tesco - out of breath - hand over my £20, she tells me "You'll be no good to her if you're this out of breath!". A brave statement I thought, as she took her time counting the change, as I could've very easily been gay.
Anyway, off I run back to her digs, which just so happens to be uphill. I had wondered why the run to the Tesco was so easy, now I knew why. Get to her front door, I try to open the door with the keys she gave me. No good, her flatmate had come home and locked the door. So I'm knocking on the door, loudly enough for them to hear me but not too loud as to make it sound like I'm trying to break in. I say through the door "Can you let me in? It's **INSERT MY NAME HERE**". Her flat mate opens it, apologies, I say it's fine and I dart off upstairs.
Where the girlfriend is now fast asleep.
And the above story is all true, and I would so love to recall it when we get married next year, but neither of our parents or family would appreciate it. But imagine if you're in a position where your family would howl with laughter at the above story, and you used an Amazon Dash button to get your party balloons? You're just making your dull life that little bit more duller.
Fin.
" I would so love to recall it when we get married next year, but neither of our parents or family would appreciate it."
If your Best Man knows - it's just right for his speech.
Reminds me of going to the wedding of a rather prim and proper cousin. She was marrying a newly ordained CofE vicar. In the guests were a prudence of his fellow seminarians and an elderly vicar.** While waiting for the wedding feast the elderly vicar proceeded to tell, in a loud voice, some very blue jokes to those young clerics. My mother and aunt were very put out - particularly "pas devant les enfants".
** I always remembered it as being a bishop - so it was disappointing to be corrected in a chance conversation with the cousin nearly 60 years later. I did not remind her about the blue jokes.
"If your Best Man knows - it's just right for his speech."
I don't think he does, but if he did he wouldn't use it either as we have to invite the priest to the party after the wedding, and there'd be a lot of old Irish women either drowning us in holy water or assaulting us with their hand bags.
"I'm a bit confused. Your comment about being "easily gay". Are you sure you should be getting married in that case?"
Well I was pointing out that she judged on my looks alone that I must be having sex with a girl and not a guy. Why couldn't I be straight looking and gay? Or I could've been very camp looking but straight? You know, like Matthew Kelly?
A similar tale was told to me by my friends now wife as potential material for the Best Man's Speech.
Having discover the cupboard was bare the only option at whatever time of night was the petrol station 200 yards down the road (yes, that close!)
Too embarrassed to just go to the petrol station for condoms he drove his girlfriend to the petrol station and put £5 of petrol in the car. He then sent her in to pay.
"Well I was pointing out that she judged on my looks alone that I must be having sex with a girl and not a guy. Why couldn't I be straight looking and gay? Or I could've been very camp looking but straight? You know, like Matthew Kelly?"
I imagine she was just playing the numbers. According to a BBC survey 98% of people are heterosexual so it was mos likely that you were, I'm sure she wouldn't have bee offended if you had had to correct her.
Most people seem to assume that someone in their 40s has got children.... which isn't always the case. It's just the way the world works, you buy a set of wheels they'll assume you want four but if you own a Robin.....
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