back to article You can always rely on the Ancient Ones to cock things up

We have installed a water feature in Dabbs Mansions. It’s an impressive vertical fountain with a splash radius of two metres. In hindsight, it was probably a mistake to install it in the utility room. To be honest, I don’t even remember ordering it. The first I knew about the whole thing was returning home after an hour and a …

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  1. Alister

    You do seem to be suffering from a lot of orphaned child processes, maybe the system really cares about them...

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Leave no child behind!

      And have your pipes checked from time to time. Roots are not the only thing that can block them or even crack them.

      1. Blofeld's Cat
        Coat

        "... Roots are not the only thing that can block them ..."

        When some of the drains at our hollowed out volcano backed up during a thunderstorm and flooded part of the offices, the boss called in a drain clearing company.

        They traced the problem to a particular manhole under the stockroom floor. On removing the (approximately 240) bolts that secured the access cover, it was discovered that the chamber contained a donkey-jacket with the builder's name on the back.

        1. Mpeler
          Paris Hilton

          donkey jacket

          Was the builder still in it?

          (Paris will help look)...

      2. Peter Simpson 1
        Pint

        At the office -- repairs being made to the concrete parking garage to reduce leakage and improve drainage. Crumbling concrete being jackhammered and replaced.

        Fast forward 6-8 months. The heavens open, a deluge of Biblical severity occurs. The folks in the downstairs offices begin crying out for help due to 3-4 inches of water on the floor and a healthy flow.

        A soggy wall seems to be the source.

        The plumbers arrive. The cast iron drain pipe from the flat roof runs through the soggy wall. At floor level is a cleanout plug, welded in place by rust. Around the cleanout plug, more rust, but not as strong as that holding the cleanout plug in place. The drain pipe has failed, allowing the runoff from the roof to enter the building.

        Further detective work ensues to discover why the pipe failed. After all, there should be no back pressure, the water should have just kept going to the storm drain, right? Well, the investigation reveals that the drainage pipe is blocked. Where? A long way away, seems to be under the garage somewhere. A very solid blockage....

        Measurements are made, jackhammers produced, and excavation begins.

        A 10 foot section of drainpipe under the garage floor is found to have been filled with concrete during the "repairs" half a year ago. It is replaced. The rusty section of drainpipe in the wall is replaced and a shiny new cleanout plug is installed. The soggy wall is replaced. Runoff from the roof again flows unimpeded to the storm drain. All is well again.

        At a rummage sale that summer, a recycled life ring is purchased and presented to the building manager, who accepts it with good humor. All repair to the pub.

        1. Mpeler
          Pint

          Repair to the pub whether or not it's beer o'clock

          Repairs at/to the pub are always the best. Especially if repeated on a frequent, regular basis...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      going there sorry

      > orphaned child processes

      One of the few things PID 1 should be worried about. Nah on second thought it should do everything, what's the worst that can happen?

      1. GrumpenKraut

        Re: going there sorry

        > Nah on second thought it should do everything, what's the worst that can happen?

        system de merde? (YOU mentioned it!)

  2. Franco

    Cars and computers have that inherent ability to fail at the very moment you discuss replacing them in my experience. Or once, when I was doing an SBS 2003 to 2011 migration, the RAID controller on the old server died during the one reboot I had to do to get the server in migration mode.

    1. nichomach

      Yes.

      Exchange 2003 -2010; Dell PERC H800 started freezing. Very uncomfortable.

    2. Andrew 6

      Also if a piece of tech (in this case a smartphone) is playing up and being pretty much useless, then it will start working again if you start discussing replacement options .... once you've stopped talking about the replacements because its magically fixed itself, it will keep working for an hour or two just to lull you into a false sense of security

      Tech is sentient! Been saying it for years.

      1. Mayhem

        Oh god yes.

        Had four weekends in a row on a bloody SBS migration.

        First weekend new server PSU died. Next weekend hard disks on temp NAS died. Finally with all going smooth the entire installation of VMWare died and I didn't trust the recovered VMs.

        I think SBS gets a special kind of ancient curse all to itself.

      2. Fihart

        not only sentient but sentimental

        Friend's Quad 405 power and pre-amp system. Blown fuse -- mysterious until I learned that her rent included electricity so she never turned the amp off. Plus in a west-facing room with the heat sink bathed in sunshine and sitting over a hot-running cassette deck also left on permanently.

        More puzzled when it seemed to fail again a few months later. Relocated away from heat sources, fuse okay -- connections all in place. Decided it was dead and I would risk cost of repair against giving her my spare Marantz amp.

        Took the Quad home and it has worked flawlessly since. Amp and two B&W DM2 speakers found abandoned in the street separately six months apart seem very happy together.

        Can only assume that they all detected that I would be a sympatico owner and arranged to be adopted.

        My old cat -- and my neighbour's cat -- turned up in the area and moved into our respective households uninvited. Who is to say tech isn't smarter than cats.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: not only sentient but sentimental

          Who is to say tech isn't smarter than cats.

          Lies around all the time in warm places, constantly demands to be fed, completely unreliable as to whether it will follow instructions or not, never sure whether you in fact own it - or it just tolerates you...

          Are you sure they're not actually the same thing?

          1. Darryl

            Re: not only sentient but sentimental

            You may be onto something there. Maybe cats are reincarnated as tech goods after they shuffle off this mortal coil?

        2. Mystic Megabyte
          FAIL

          Re: not only sentient but sentimental

          I drove my Quad system up to Cambridge and they re-valved it, fixed a pre-amp problem and re-built the electrostatic speakers and then posted the lot back. Cost? £180!! That has to be a bargain, even in 1983.

          To my eternal shame, living in Germany in 1987 I flogged the lot for £500 :( Why? That was to buy my first PC, I should have kept the stereo. <exit stage left, gnashing teeth>

          1. Fihart

            Re: Quads @Mystic Megabyte

            Hmmm Quad valve. Have one of those but last time I powered it up a valve (tube to our US readers) burned out, lighting up the whole room. A lucky junk shop find, loved the sound but its 15 (maybe 30) watts is not up to driving anything but the most efficient speakers -- and it needs a better pre-amp than the Quad 22 (I used a Meridian).

            The last time I heard Electrostatics they were wonderful but driven by a much more powerful Radford valve amp.

            The 405 (and 34 pre-amp) with maybe 120 watts is the first I've owned that will excavate the deepest bass from large speakers. Way ahead of the intervening 33/303 combination and, allegedly, later Quads. Certainly better than a 75 Watt NAD receiver I used before.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Used to deal with Autodesk 3D Studio years ago. I'm convinced that the progress bar when rendering would only move when the computer realised that I was watching it and decided that it better do some work.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Concurred, although I'd add that discussing financial windfalls of any sort seems to awaken the sheer perversity of the universe. [I believe in a personally malignant universe. Truth.]

  3. RIBrsiq
    Pint

    I could go on about one system's failure stressing another to failure and cascades and so on. But fuck it: you have a point. It does indeed sometimes uncannily seem that the World -- specifically various supposedly non-sentient bits of it -- is Out to Get Us.

    1. JetSetJim
      Mushroom

      My home DNS is stubbornly responding to a query for one particular server to an address that is not the originator of the request (and doesn't have a device attached to it either). No idea why, as it seems to work for everything else. If not "Out To Get Me", at least "Out To Vex Me"

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        > My home DNS is stubbornly responding to a query for one particular server

        Mine randomly returns the external IP address of my mail server (something that it shouldn't know about since I've never actually configured it to do that) instead of the internal address.

        Thus causing all my mail lookups to fail because the firewall blocks the traffic due to it thinking that it's spoofed.

    2. Mark 85

      I somehow think this is all related to the Rise Of The Machjines. Maybe El Reg should resurrect that bit.

      The IoT stuff, it's only going to get worse as the machines gain more control.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hey so I've been sitting on this hot IoT 0-day for weeks, when I lucked out. Some luser plugged in his new smart washing machine, and I was able to gain full access right away. And I mean full access, pumps, motors, everything.

    If that wasn't bad enough, he was using the same brand smart fridge, and even bulbs! I flickered those suckers to mess with him.

    If only the guy had had IoT cameras. Would love to have seen his dumb face.

  5. AndrueC Silver badge
    Unhappy

    They are simply doing it on purpose to piss us off.

    I defy any reader to tell me they don’t experience this on a regular basis at work

    Oh, yes. A month ago I needed to communicate with HMRC. So right from the off you can guess that I wasn't starting from a 'happy place'. So I follow my normal procedure of grabbing my credentials from the fire safe (I can't remember the random numbers and letters they gave me for my password and user name). Click login and..whut?..passport number? FFS. Is this really the HMRC site? Yes. Bah. Go back to fire safe. Get passport. Type bloody number. Click.

    Bloody mobile bloody phone bloody number?

    Typitty type. Click.

    <five minutes later>. This is pathetic. HMRC can't even send a 2FA SMS. Pick mobile phone up to share a whinge with friend.

    'Not registered on network'.

    Eh? Bloody worked half an hour ago. Reboot phone 'cos sometimes it does this.

    'No signal'.

    Stomp over to Vodafone Sure Signal. Note slow paced disco simulation from second LED.

    Stomp out into garden then do the 'how high can I hold the phone' dance. Text arrives from HMRC. Go back inside expecting round of applause from neighbours.

    Turns out the important message from HMRC was that they hadn't managed to progress my query yet. Vodafone eventually fixed the problem with Sure Signal five days later.

  6. Blofeld's Cat
    Facepalm

    Hmm...

    "To add to the Twilight Zone feel to the day, the fridge blew a fuse and a lightbulb in the shower chose that moment to begin flickering."

    Sounds like Murphy's Law in action ... or possibly O' Toole's corollary ...

    "Murphy was such an optimist"

    1. Andy A

      Re: Hmm...

      Murphy, of course, had TWO laws.

      1. If anything can go wrong, it will.

      2. If anything can't go wrong, it will.

      O'Toole was still right.

      1. Mystic Megabyte
        Joke

        Re: Hmm...

        A Spaniard asks an Irishman if they had a word similar to mañana. The Irishman replies, "Yes, but it doesn't have the same sense of urgency".

        1. Bob Rocket

          Re: Hmm...

          The Irish equivalent of 'manana' is 'there are seven days next week'

          1. Adrian 4

            Re: Hmm...

            Manana gets all the attention. But we have one closer to home - the Cornish word 'dreckly'.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
              Trollface

              Re: Hmm...

              "Manana gets all the attention. But we have one closer to home - the Cornish word 'dreckly'."

              Yeah, but Spanish is spoken over significant parts of the world. Cornish is barely spoken in Cornwall.

              1. Mpeler
                Pint

                Re: Hmm... dreckly

                Ahh, but in the deep south we have the word (at least pronunciation) toreckly...

                As in SPT (Southern People's Time) (formerly CPT)...

                Mañana doesn't even come close.

                "Hey, can y'all have those joists here day after tomorra?"

                "Um, we was thinking 'bout week after n-ext. Will thet do?"...

                [This really did happen. And I got them to hurry. Still almost two weeks, though].

                Have a beer (or a mint julep. It's gonna be awhile...

        2. badgames

          Re: Hmm...

          I went to college in New Mexico and was exposed to mañana there and used to give friends static about it. At a later stage in my career, I worked for 3 years in Saudi Arabia (before coming back to New Mexico, 10 years in Arizona and 3 in Saudi, and I still like the desert, but it doesn't have to be quite so hot), and learned a new word there. In'shallah, which as I explained as I was apologizing to my Spanish (well, Spanglish really) speaking friends, had the same meaning as mañana, but without the sense of urgency that mañana conveyed, because God may never be willing.

          This usually provoked gales of laughter...

  7. Nezumi
    Pint

    There will be blood...

    They are simply doing it on purpose to piss us off.

    Yessss....

    Many years ago (when my liver still worked) I used to work on a tech' bench for a computer retail company.

    This is so long ago that you could still make money building PC's.

    I would occasionally come across PCs that just wouldn't play nice whilst I was trying to upgrade hardware. Once they had done me the courtesy of skinning my knuckles, cutting my fingers or otherwise drawing blood they would then suddenly behave and start working correctly.

    They were usually Packard Bell BTW

    1. Rich 11

      Re: There will be blood...

      It is a truism that no hardware component upgrade will ever work without the case or frame first extracting tribute in blood.

      1. Bob Wheeler
        Alert

        Re: There will be blood...

        Even worse, when you try to decdommission servers.

        When I get home with my hands. fingers and arms sliced and cut my wife says "Oh, have you been trying to throw out old computers again?"

        1. Fixing IT

          Re: There will be blood...

          Data cabinets demand their blood sacrifice.

          My wife knows when I've been working in one, my hands and arms look like I lost a fight with a cat.

          Whoever cuts a cable tie and leaves a few mm of jagged tail is pure evil. Or maybe they're cut to leave a smooth edge and the gods of cable management decide to tighten them a little more "just to be sure.."

          1. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: There will be blood...

            "Whoever cuts a cable tie and leaves a few mm of jagged tail is pure evil. "

            Or uses sidecutters when the correct tool actually exists: http://www.partex-direct.co.uk/TT1-Auto-Cable-Tie-Tool

            *The same people who use sidecutters invariably pull the ties too tight and mess up cat5/6 cable impedances. This is why I've banned ties and provide copious quantities of velcro wraps.

            1. Elf

              Re: There will be blood...

              Velcro is King for Ethernet. My personal pet peeve is finding a nice bundle of (say) 64 lines and we gotta add one more run. Like so many of us here, people suffer from my OCD. Cut them all loose, make the new run, and here's a 50 meter roll of double sided Velcro and my Griptilian, please leave extra for the next chumps.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: There will be blood...

        > frame first extracting tribute in blood.

        Except my old IBM server (2 x P2 - weighed the same as yer average small car and sounded like a Vulcan in take-off mode). Nice smooth metalwork, clip-fastened cards.

        Of course, being an IBM it extracted blood in other ways - "*how* much for a RAM expansion? You could buy a small mainframe for that!".

      3. jcitron

        Re: There will be blood...

        You do know that's part of the kit.

        Every time I replace a power supply, I end up with ripped fingers and a blood blister.

      4. Montreal Sean

        Re: There will be blood...

        True for automotive repairs too.

        I've given pints of blood to my cars over the years, but no repair would hold if blood wasn't shed.

    2. TheTor

      Re: There will be blood...

      You really need to try violence. Threats sometimes work, but for those really stubborn ones, actual violence is needed.

      Came home one night after a long day at work recently, and went to switch on the media PC hooked up to my TV. PC came on, but nothing appeared on the screen.

      Spend the next hour checking connections, reseating video cards, swapping out cables, verifying the TV still works, ad nauseum. Finally got to the end of my tether, swore loudly, and kicked it as hard as I could.

      Immediately afterwards, I hit the power on button, and BOOM. Working as intended. Hasn't played up once since. They CAN be coerced :)

      1. Alister

        Re: There will be blood...

        You really need to try violence. Threats sometimes work, but for those really stubborn ones, actual violence is needed.

        I'm sure I've posted this tale before, but it bears repeating:

        A colleague of mine was working on a desktop machine which steadfastly refused to boot cleanly.

        All the component parts, (motherboard, CPU, Fan, RAM, PSU, Video card, network card, etc) had been tested in other machines and were known to work, but put them all together in one case and it wouldn't work.

        Finally, in exasperation, my colleague picked the whole thing up and threw it out of an (open) second-floor window.

        When he had trudged downstairs and retrieved it from the flowerbed it was occupying, he emptied out the soil and plugged it in, and it worked first time.

        ...

        On the workbench in the comms room here we have the skeletal remains of a Dell PE860 with a large screwdriver embedded in its mainboard. It is left there as a salutary lesson to all the servers in the racks...

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: There will be blood...

          "All the component parts, (motherboard, CPU, Fan, RAM, PSU, Video card, network card, etc) had been tested in other machines and were known to work, but put them all together in one case and it wouldn't work."

          Had exactly the same. My solution was a little less percussive. I eventually noticed the tray the motherboard was on was bending slightly after the motherboard was attached and screwed into place and shorting it. I just bent it a bit in the opposite direction. Job done.

        2. jcitron

          Re: There will be blood...

          I have threatened to toss a machine out the window and have it work. I wonder if it knew I meant business. ;-)

          1. Laura Kerr
            Mushroom

            Re: There will be blood...

            I've had something similar. Years ago, I was trying to extract data from a Mac-based Omnis 7 application. The only way to do this was to create a report that would dump the data to a delimited text file. There was plenty of disc space, so no worries about it filling up.

            Tedious, but what the hell. So I built the reports and tested them to hell and breakfast until they were good to go. Kicked 'em off.

            "Sorry, a system error occurred."

            Uh? Maybe I'd tried to extract too much data at once. So I changed it to extract only half the data. No problem with running it twice.

            "Sorry, a system error occurred."

            Oh, ha-bloody-ha. Changed it to extract a quarter of the data at a time and resigned myself to coming in over the weekend to restart it. Three bloody times. Who needs a social life, anyway? Friday drinkies, Saturday morning hangover, get to the office by Saturday lunchtime.

            "Sorry, a system error occurred."

            Deep breaths. Lots of deep breaths. Convince myself that I'd cocked something up. Run reports on the test system.

            "Report completed."

            OK, so I now needed to extract the data in twenty separate chunks. Lovely. Just keep your distance Apple, I know how to use a flensing knife. Kick off the first of the twenty report interations, wait for a little while and then decide I can save some of my weekend. Off I go to the pub, Saturday drinkies, Sunday morning hangover, get to the office by Sunday lunchtime.

            "Sorry, a system error occurred."

            Cue the RED MIST. Walk up to machine. I'm so angry that I've gone beyond shouting. Talk to Mac nicely. "Right, you little fuckpig. Think you're funny, do you? This is your last fucking chance. Run that report or YOU! ARE! FUCKING! DEAD!"

            Just to emphasise the point I slammed my fist onto the keyboard as hard as I could on each of the last four words. If that bloody crApple wanted a fight, it could have one. I kicked the full report off and stormed out of the office.

            Get in on Monday morning, ready to dismantle the sack of shit without tools and throw the remains into the canal if it so much as dared to hint at system errors. Punch the monitor power switch, just to let it know that I hadn't forgotten what I'd said to it.

            "Report completed."

            Sometimes, you just have to speak their language.

      2. Captain DaFt

        Re: There will be blood...

        "They CAN be coerced :)"

        Relevant Fizz

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: There will be blood...

      "I would occasionally come across PCs that just wouldn't play nice whilst I was trying to upgrade hardware."

      Maybe you didn't have a shelf with a big hammer just above the bench.

  8. Fraggle850

    Reference to Thoth coupled with a previous reference to Aleister Crowley

    Dabbsy, are you a rosicrucian? Is it possible that your dabbling in occultism is opening a channel for the Old Gods? You've only yourself to blame. Now concerned that I might take hits to sanity from repeated exposure to your columns.

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