back to article Put your private parts on display if you want to keep earning a living

My prospective client is staring at my nuts. The quality of my work is apparently not too important. What really matters are the warm bits that dangle between my legs. Indeed, the human resources rep is insisting that I be prepared to present my lobster and urchins on demand, as regularly as possible. You’d think I would be …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Trick image?

    Interesting trick image. If you stare at it for more than 5 minutes, an Alistair Dabbs article appears.

    Yep, coat, thanks.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Trick image?

      The image is free to use (emphatically not public domain, mind) and there are no objections or limits placed on its use, as published by the lady depicted and the copyright owner of the image.

      While any objections on her part would not be particularly effective, I believe if you use an image for free, you should at least have the decency to ask the copyright owner if she is okay with being used as a caption image for an article like this.

      Mind you, a reverse image search appears to make her the poster child of the Internet for sex in the workplace...

  2. JohnMurray

    How long before a chinese biz person produces a lookalike that actually has a wireless camera installed?

    http://armtechon.com/information/10-most-illegal-ways-to-use-a-spy-camera/

    Sprinkle a few around the HR bogs...after all, HR spends most of its time fucking people...

    1. wayne 8

      HR is not for Humans.

      HR is doing their job correctly as designed.

      HR is not there FOR Humans, HR exists to protect the CORP FROM Humans.

      They are not an emoployee's advocate in any way.

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: HR is not for Humans.

        "I am not a resource, I am a free man!"

        "Hahahaha!"

        1. Unbelievable!

          Re: HR is not for Humans.

          ha. I'm not not a man.nope. not anymore. I'm not even a number. We're all barely, and just about, a barcode these days.or the advanced might organisations might have us down using ocular biometic or fingerprint. DNA seqencing is coming onstream soon as the primary identity verification. They will take it from children at birth and embed it's code in your national insurance card.

          *sigh* i thought i'd be long gone before this tracking junk happened. Or we'd at least have Mars to escape to easily. Shame on my short-shiited ness.Catch you on the flip side good folks.

  3. steamnut

    Gender Neutral

    A big plus for "Arse-eye" is the fact that it is gender neutral. The under-desk system would be "looking" at a different mass sizes for women than men. That may be seen as an advantage but the system might run into problems with transgender occupants. In fact, I just noticed that the word occu-"pant" is quite appropriate for Arse-eye....

    TGIF...

  4. frank ly

    The first three paragraphs

    They're a filter to get rid of those with a weak constitution and any sense of decorum. I walked straight through it. Your life is more interesting than mine but I'm not at all envious. Thank you. :)

    1. spellucci

      Re: The first three paragraphs

      Could you, or any other kind readers, determine the actual topic of this article? I read through it a number of times, but could not tell what was real, what was the author enjoying the writing, and what the story was about. Many pardons if it is obvious to others, but I didn't get it.

      1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        Re: The first three paragraphs

        Could you, or any other kind readers, determine the actual topic of this article?

        Yes.

        Many pardons if it is obvious to others, but I didn't get it.

        I would say the content of the comments section is sufficient evidence that the article was clear enough to a substantial audience.

        Humor, of course, is not universal. We don't expect everyone to respond the same way to a given piece of writing.

  5. Holleritho

    Sorted

    One of those shelves that hang from a worktop, a hot water bottle or small electric heat-pad, a very small pivoting fan (or one of those Chinese cat statues that waves a raised paw).

    Slide shelf under desktop beside knee, put filled hot water bottle and moving object on shelf, walk away. Come back at lunch time and remove for 20 minutes. Back to pub.

    I leave it to my fellow commentards to add to the list a widget that generates keyboard activity to one's laptop or PC.

    1. Franco

      Re: Sorted

      Duracell Drumming Bunny, with some MacGyvering, should do the trick for the keyboard activity.

      Is it wrong I spent at least as long looking at the headline picture as I did reading the article BTW?

      1. MrT

        Re: Sorted @Franco

        Just copy the headline thumbnail image URL and remove the crop and resize bits for less eyestrain ;-)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sorted

      Could also employ a real cat to sit on the seat (but the danger is that it will sit on the keyboard or start programming in LOLCODE)

      1. 's water music
        Windows

        Re: Sorted

        Could also employ a real cat to sit on the seat

        I've been doing this for years. Embarrassingly I started getting better reviews and pay rises ever since.

        Icon=my linkedin profile pic nowadays

    3. IsJustabloke
      Thumb Up

      Re: Sorted

      No need for actual typing to keep the lappy awake...

      this should do the trick -> https://mousejiggler.codeplex.com/

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sorted

        Mouse Jiggler sounds so...... thoroughly dodgy.

        Are you sure they don't call you "Harmonica" on account of your mouse organ?

        1. Cameron Colley

          Re: Sorted

          I suspect that "mouse jiggler" sounds much more euphemistic to the Norwegians and, possibly, other Scandinavians also.

  6. Chris King

    "Don’t get the wrong idea: I have not been auditioning for a raunchy IT-themed gonzo sex vid."

    So, no plans for a sequel to "Salmon Days" then ?

    1. Down not across

      Re: "Don’t get the wrong idea: I have not been auditioning for a raunchy IT-themed gonzo sex vid."

      So, no plans for a sequel to "Salmon Days" then ?

      I am. Not. Writing. A. Fucking. Letter.

  7. jake Silver badge

    On the other hand ...

    ... and I'm willing to acknowledge someone else with a gripping hand argument ...

    ... I'm teaching my nieces & nephews the fine art of B&W photography. Film, darkroom, enlarger, et alia. No electronics need apply.

    (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: On the other hand ...

      (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

      You might be, on account of a shortage of darkrooms. I can tell you one thing: using a smartphone for that would be a bad idea, mine flashes when it rings which could possibly make a mess of the exposure :).

    2. Someone Else Silver badge

      @jake -- Re: On the other hand ...

      (Out of curiosity, am I the only ElReg reader who owns, and uses, a darkroom timer?)

      Short answer: No.

      (The longer answer has to do with what that time is nominally used for nowadays...besides darkroom uses....)

    3. Jeffrey Nonken

      Re: On the other hand ...

      I had a very nice Gralab timer given to me by my uncle, which was unfortunately stolen some years ago. I believe my wife has one she uses for cooking.

      I actually have an entire darkroom setup, including long-since-expired chemicals, boxed up in my garage. I use the thermometer for measuring the air conditioner vents when I suspect under-performance. The print was last used to dry papers that had been soaked by a carelessly placed water glass.

      It's a shame, really, but I lost interest in the hobby decades ago. I should organize the hardware and sell it on eBay or Craigslist or something.

    4. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: On the other hand ...

      @Jake

      What kind of darkroom are we talking, mate?

      1. Mark 85

        Re: On the other hand ...

        I would think it would have to be a B&W darkroom. For color work... no light. None. I've done both and B&W is definitely more fun. Color can be more interesting since you don't know what you're getting until it's done and the lights come on.

    5. Trevor Gale

      Re: On the other hand ...

      Re: On the other hand ...

      Clearly I am also an ElReg reader, and I do own and use a darkroom timer. I mostly use it in my own darkroom, developing B&W film and sometimes still colour C-41 film too, 120-rollfilm from my Mamiyas.

      Not that I'm "anti-digital" at all, apart from my Canon EOS that darkroom timer is my own design and uses a 6809 microprocessor with memory and I/O etc. to save my typical process times and so on.

      You see, electronics is applied in my darkroom, although the art of winding rollfilm onto the dev-tank spirals is all in the wrist action, done while sitting down with the important bits on my lap... ...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not all you need

    To use a box camera you need:

    1. To understand that it can only take pictures outdoors, usually between 2 hours after dawn and 2 hours before dusk unless it is sunny.

    2. The ability to thread 120 rollfilm correctly.

    3. The ability to hold the thing still during an exposure around 1/50th second.

    From memory, the failure rate of box camera exposures was quite high. Furthermore, most of them had crap winding mechanisms which gave out after a while. Fortunately they had so little use that most of them didn't wear out, because film and printing was so expensive.

    Modern digital cameras can get a picture in a wide range of conditions, normally in focus and shake free, rarely go wrong and individual pictures are dirt cheap.

    As for the cost, in the 1950s a basic Leica with standard lens cost roughly a working man's annual salary. The latest interchangeable lens Fuji, which is many more times capable than that Leica, costs around an average 1 month's salary.

    I'm not sure what the conclusion from this ought to be, except that engineering rules.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not all you need

      Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary... even back in the '50s there were cameras more capable than a Brownie but far less expensive than a Leica. After all all you needed was a shutter and a diaphgram. Russian Zenith cameras were among the cheapest, but you could also find cameras like Kodak Retinette.

      Canon itself started as a company selling cheaper replicas of Zeiss/Leica rangefinder to American soldiers...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Not all you need - Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary.

        In fact the current Leica with a standard lens costs around £5000, so you're exaggerating. But my point is that back in those days, thanks to Cartier-Bresson and Snowdon, journalists were using Leicas as standard equipment. I remember Victor Blackman, the Daily Express photographer when it was a newspaper, with a Rollei TLR and a Leica as his daily kit. The current Leicas are Veblen cameras; the new Fuji has, I think, the same sensor and the lenses are just as good as the current Leica digital, and so is a realistic equivalent. A working photojournalist won't be using a Leica. That was why I made the comparison.

        A modern DSLR or advanced compact replaces not only a film SLR or rangefinder, but also a 16mm ciné camera. It probably stands abuse better than either asnd is much less likely to go wrong.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: Not all you need - Today, a Leica still costs roughly a working man annual salary.

          "A working photojournalist won't be using a Leica."

          Yes, they still do. At least the SLRs. Because once you've got all the lenses in your kit you need, you can keep using them for the rest of your life.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Not all you need

        Still have my Zenith.

        Not much use for it these days, but I can't bear to get rid of it.

        1. Zog_but_not_the_first
          Joke

          Re: Not all you need

          A Zenith! You must have muscles like Popeye.

      3. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Not all you need

        I have a Fed 4 range-finder my father gave me as a present almost 40 years ago. Last tried it out about 15 years ago with some "colour" IR slide film and it worked! Even the exposure meter was still working (selenium cell, no battery required). Very sharp images even if heavy and a bit fiddly to use.

        But modern digital cameras are much lighter and easier to use, and no cost/delay in processing film to see how successful (or not) you photos were.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not all you need

      "I'm not sure what the conclusion from this ought to be, except that engineering rules."

      People rarely print out their digital pictures for posterity. They don't even back up the files. Even when they do - they don't re-copy within the lifespan of the archive media. The result will be a generation who have lost all their historical pictures - or can't read the media or process the format. They rarely edit them to the apparently most significant ones - which can sometimes be an advantage.

      I have photographs of me and my family covering over a century. Merely keeping them away from heat and light means they can be digitally re-scanned at any time. Over the years digital scanning has improved to achieve somewhere near the same resolution and contrast as the originals.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not all you need

      I still have two brownies - made of cardboard really. I don't expect I could get the film for them today. I will have to dig them out and have a look.

      1. Oengus
        Thumb Up

        Re: Not all you need

        My first camera was a Brownie that my parents loaned me. I think about half of the pictures came out...

        120 roll film is still available.

        http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/search?atclk=Format_120&ci=2545&N=4093113317+4130468174

        I used to have a Russian made Lubitel TLR (Twin Lens Reflex) that used 120 film. It had basic manual settings for F-Stop and Shutter speed. I used 100 ASA or 400 ASA Slide film. The results were spectacular. Shame that camera was stolen...

        I need to go in search of a "Seagull" again.

  9. Chris King

    The BrownCloud...

    ...sounds more like a bout of explosive diarrhea to me, but also a good description of some of Web Two-Point-Doh systems out there.

    1. MrT

      Re: The BrownCloud...

      ... early adopters are already out there in force, (just not too much lest they end up having laundry-related problems).

      1. Wensleydale Cheese
        Thumb Up

        Re: The BrownCloud...

        Got to love the caption on that article:

        Man Builds Chair That Tweets His Farts, Single-Handedly Justifies Twitter's Existence

  10. Peter2 Silver badge

    So, what happens when somebody sticks a heater under their desk?

    1. Shadow Systems

      @Peter2, re Heater under the desk.

      What happens if they put a heater under the desk?

      Roasted nuts!

      *Runs away*

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @Peter2, re Heater under the desk. - @Shadow Systems

        What happens if they put a heater under the desk?

        Roasted nuts!

        That hoary old chestnut again.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: @Peter2, re Heater under the desk. - @Shadow Systems

          "hairy" - FTFY

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not long now...

    Next they'll figure out there's some kind of field generated by living tissue and start scanning for that. Later on, it will be indispensable for the time machine...

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Not long now...

      There is. It binds us. Penetrates us. My boss figured out how to use it some time ago. He uses it to pick people up by the throat and strangle them. His asthma's gotten worse too...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BrownEye Stretch Goals

    Here you have some BrownEye stretch goals, which will be seen in an extremely positive way by HR people:

    - Extensible and flexible DeepDive patented health checking technology to film the last meter inside the employee and provide valuable feedback of his inmost works. DeepDive can be used too to provide a comforting reward / discomforting punishment due to its patented StretchIt capabilities.

    - Accurate SnapOff surgical add-on, to get rid of malignant portions of your employees as they work, thus allowing years and years of uninterrupted and happy service.

    1. Shadow Systems

      Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

      If they try to implement such a system I'll cackle maniacally & taunt them as they scream about "What Has Been Seen Can Not Be Unseen".

      When you stare into the Void, the Void stares back.

      MUH Hahahahahahahahaha.

      *Cough*

      =-D

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

      - Optional extra: very DeepDive for tonsil and dental inspections.

      1. GrumpenKraut

        Re: BrownEye Stretch Goals

        ... free aftertaste included.

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