back to article Windows for Warships? Not on our new aircraft carriers, says MoD

Britain's new Queen Elizabeth-class aircraft carriers will be Windows XP-free zones, the Ministry of Defence has confirmed to The Register. Readers made us aware that a technician working aboard HMS Queen Elizabeth itself, which is a year away from completion, had the famous Windows XP rolling hills desktop background used by …

Page:

  1. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Joke

    Ah joke wallpaper ...

    (old enough to remember the site www.jokewallpaper.com - aliased as www.coporateexcellence.com, in case your boss was monitoring your surfing)

    Not as good as the joke BSOD screensaver I used to run ...

    1. Camilla Smythe

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      Not as good as the joke BSOD screensaver I used to run ...

      Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Good One..

      Oh?

      1. Malcolm 1

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        What with Microsoft buying Sysinternals some years back it's available directly from Microsoft themselves: https://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb897558.aspx

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          Fooled one of my colleagues at work. Down having a drag and he came down to impart the news that my PC was in serious trouble and throwing repeated BSODs:

          "It's a screensaver. I can't believe you fell for it."

          "No it's not, I wiggled the mouse to check that."

          "Well it wouldn't be any bloody good if it didn't disable the mouse now, would it?"

          1. Field Commander A9

            Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

            Didn't workout for me that well--

            "Who rebooted my PC?"(it was during the days that PCs still had a RESET button on them)

            "It BSODed, I saved you valuable time for having to reboot it yourself."

            "It's just a...never mind"

            1. Al Black

              Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

              I reconsidered the wisdom of installing the BSOD screensaver on our main File Server when the MD had a panic attack...

    2. Anonymous Bullard

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      Not as good as the joke BSOD screensaver I used to run ...

      I thought that came with Windows?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        Yes, a classic example of Redmond humor. The only problem was that one had to reboot the machine to switch off the screensaver.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          Yes, a classic example of Redmond humor. The only problem was that one had to reboot the machine to switch off the screensaver.

          Yup. Brought to you be the company that wrote EDLIN :)

        2. aqk
          Windows

          Re: Ah! A most ROBUST wallpaper!

          You may call it a BSOD, but in Redmond, it is referred to as an extremely robust wallpaper.

    3. Little Mouse

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      In the 90's there was a fad for free "comedy" screensavers, featuring badly animated sprites doing unfunny things. E.g. Bill Gates as a window cleaner - Pasta shapes dancing the "Macaroni" etc etc.

      They all had two things in common: They were always described as "hilarious", and they were all as tedious as hell.

      (Except for Johnny Castaway of course)

      1. davemcwish
        Thumb Up

        Johnny Castaway..

        ^ This

      2. JeffUK

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        (Except for Johnny Castaway of course)

        Just gave me a massive wave of nostalgia, Someone's compiled the whole lot into this youtube vid:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqXIKeTVcyA

        1. dotdavid

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          I think Johnny Castaway would make an awesome Android live wallpaper.

      3. PNGuinn
        Go

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        Best one I ever came across was condensation running down the inside of your screen, slowly washing your desktop away.

        I think it may have been called "Leaking Roof" or something similar.

        1. chivo243 Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          The best one was the screen washer... a woman's wet soapy breasts pressed up against glass, so it looked like she was in your CRT monitor washing the glass from the inside with her breasts ;-} def not NSFW!

      4. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        They all had two things in common: They were always described as "hilarious", and they were all as tedious as hell.

        Mine consisted of strip tease artistes and they were far from tedious. For a few weeks at least...*

        * Footnote for the do-gooderesses: as a self-employed person I could only sexually harass myself.

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: sexually harass myself

          Yes, when I was self-employed that was the downside. Ended up with an arm like Popeye...

        2. Mark 65

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          * Footnote for the do-gooderesses: as a self-employed person I could only sexually harass myself.

          I'm guessing that was what the artwork was for.

          1. Pompous Git Silver badge

            Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

            I'm guessing that was what the artwork was for.

            How very psychic of you ;-)

            It seems the software is still around and updated; search for:

            VirtualGirl HD Dancing Desktop 1.1.0.54

      5. Tezfair
        Thumb Up

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        Ahh yes Johnny. Must remember to fire it up before new year ;-)

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      "Windows for Warships? Not on our new aircraft carriers, says MoD"

      Nope, what they actually said was "No Windows XP for Warships".

      Presumably it still run Windows as most of the MODs systems do...So maybe Windows 10 for Warships?!

      1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        And you just know they unticked all the privacy invasion options on install, right?

        "To improve your combat experience, Windows 10 for Warships sends application details to Microsoft which may include usernames, passwords, armament levels, crew compliment, readiness levels, fleet size, fleet makeup, fleet location, satcom transcripts, satellite imagery, radar contact and electronic intercept data.

        Your privacy is respected at all times, but we will dump all this shit on a public server somewhere because we couldn't be arsed to secure it properly and figured we could make a quick buck off sale to carefully (yeah, right) selected third parties.."

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. AJS2010

        Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

        Of course. It's just The Register taking another opportunity to have a dig at Microsoft, this time by changing the headline, so it can suits them. Bless'em

        1. Vic

          Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

          It's just The Register taking another opportunity to have a dig at Microsoft

          Strangely, your posting history probably doesn't support your making that sort of allegation...

          Vic.

          1. x 7

            Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

            does his name indicate he was born in 2010?

    5. Fungus Bob

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      "Not as good as the joke BSOD screensaver I used to run ..."

      Ah, yes, that one got me in trouble with the wife - her response when I explained it to her was "WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE THINK THAT'S FUNNY?!"

      Wasn't even my fault, damn thing was part of the default Red Hat install back around 2001.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah joke wallpaper ...

      There was also the flash portal that loaded a full screen browser window and a working (simplistic) GUI of Mac OS.

      Load that up in IE on a windows PC to see someone get rather confused.

  2. Anonymous Custard
    Headmaster

    Pedant alert

    “The MoD can confirm that Windows XP will not be used by any onboard system when the ship becomes operational,” the spokesman added. “This also applies to HMS Prince of Wales.”

    Note the bold bit. You can almost imagine after the spokesman got off the blower with el Reg, the frantic call made to the beancounters to get approval for a quick software retrofit before the thing actually goes live.

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: Pedant alert

      Will these ships become operational before they are scrapped?

      1. Anonymous Custard

        Re: Pedant alert

        The real question is whether they'll get their aircraft before they're scrapped or sold off, given all the shenanigans that have gone on in that particular part of the purchase ordering and contracting...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Pedant alert

          I visited a US Marine Corps base museum earlier in the year. The people there were against the F-35.

          'Far too heavy', 'Far too slow', etc etc

          Well, we were standing in front of a recently retired Harrier.

          My new years wish would be for BAE/Boeing to restart production of them and scrap the F-35.

          A new versio with composite mateirals etc would probably beat the F35 hands down

          I am biased because I worked on the Harrier at Hawkers.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Pedant alert

            "My new years wish would be for BAE/Boeing to restart production of them and scrap the F-35"

            You and a few others. I did read somewhere a few months back in a defence rag that the current owners of the UK's Harriers were looking for an engine upgrade, but the word on the streets was that RR had lost the instructions for making engines and ancillaries (e.g. the electronic control system, like the whole aircraft, originally designed in the 1960s).

            Be a good boy next year and Santa may sort it for you in 2016.

          2. graeme leggett Silver badge

            Re: Pedant alert

            last version - Harrier II - was built with more composites replacing aluminium in the fuselage.

            Though the reason for giving the GR5 a (stainless) steel leading edge escapes me.

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: Pedant alert

              If they ARE using XP, will it EVER become operational?

              1. PNGuinn
                Devil

                Re: Pedant alert

                It's probably a very sensible financial decision to prevent a free upgrade to the soon to be announced subscription version of w 10 (support for legacy drivers extra).

                But on the other hand this is extreme political decision making /MOD procurement / porkie pies / pork barrels / the good of the country?? / etc etc, so I'm probably way wrong there.

                El Reg - we need an "It's not funny "icon.

            2. frank ly

              @graeme leggett re. GR5 leading edge

              Do you mean the wing root extension (about 3ft by 2ft)? If so, I understand that it gave additional lift and reduced turbulence slightly (the two effects probably assisting each other).

            3. x 7

              Re: Pedant alert

              " the GR5 a (stainless) steel leading edge escapes me."

              The AV-8B composite wing was designed by McDonnell Douglas and gave extended range and carrying capacity, but at reduced turn rate. The RAF would only agree to purchase the AB-8B if the turn rate matched the GR3. (Something which would have been provided by the UK designed but never built GR5K "tin wing" Harrier). As a compromise BAe designed wing root leading edge extensions which gave improved turn rate. These were eventually fitted to both the RAF and US Marine Corps versions of the AV-8B. They're metal because McDonnells refused to export the composite materials technology to BAe. They were happy to use UK technology, but would not share their own.

              There was a fair bit of blackmail about this. The "tin wing" could have been retrofitted to the existing Harrier (and Sea Harrier) fleet giving a faster, more manouverable aircraft with more lift capacity than the AV-8B, but the US Government would only buy their own AV-8B design, and would only purchase if the RAF also purchased it. Essentially we were blackmailed into buying an inferior USA design instead of our own better product. Note that the eventual AV-8B/GR5/GR7 is actually slower than the GR3/FRS1

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Pedant alert

                There was a fair bit of blackmail about this. The "tin wing" could have been retrofitted to the existing Harrier (and Sea Harrier) fleet giving a faster, more manouverable aircraft with more lift capacity than the AV-8B, but the US Government would only buy their own AV-8B design, and would only purchase if the RAF also purchased it. Essentially we were blackmailed into buying an inferior USA design instead of our own better product. Note that the eventual AV-8B/GR5/GR7 is actually slower than the GR3/FRS1

                Ah, US blackmail. Plus ça change.

                1. TRT Silver badge

                  Re: Pedant alert

                  Well there's one boat the navy won't be installing windows on and that's a submarine.

                  1. x 7

                    Re: Pedant alert

                    some - at least - of HM Submarine fleet allegedly run Windoze for Warships.........or thats what the press reports said a few years back

                  2. Pompous Git Silver badge
                    Joke

                    Re: Pedant alert

                    Well there's one boat the navy won't be installing windows on and that's a submarine.

                    Well not MS Windows. X-windows OTOH are a bit more "watertight" ;-)

              2. RubberJohnny

                Re: Pedant alert

                That's only to be expected as we are a subject state under a US hegemony.

          3. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Pedant alert

            I am biased know what I'm talking about because I worked on the Harrier at Hawkers

            No need for modesty IMHO. Those machines were fantastic.

      2. aqk

        Re: Pedant alert

        And are these Win-10 tubs issued using the Fast build or the Slow Build?

    2. Roland6 Silver badge

      Re: Pedant alert

      Well given the comment "Software based on XP is used to run the command suites of most of Blighty's major warships" it now becomes obvious, naturally the engineers will have XP systems to confirm the new systems are giving the same results as the old ones.

      It is a shame I didn't take a photo at the time (back in the 80's) where we had a (then) modern computer suite and sitting amongst all of this were a couple of ancient frames containing obviously live valve and relay based equipment. The reason for these systems being there was because we were testing the digital-analog interfacing between the to-be installed computer system and a remote analog system that wasn't part of our upgrade project (and it would not surprise me if that interface is still being used and the ancient analog system's valves are still glowing and its relays clicking...).

      1. Citizen99

        Re: Pedant alert

        '(and it would not surprise me if that interface is still being used and the ancient analog system's valves are still glowing and its relays clicking...).'

        Of course: ElectroMagneticPulse-proof ;-)

        Ah, valves - as used in Colossus and in the 1950s HMV radiogram through which I am currently listening to music.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Pedant alert

          Ah, valves - as used in Colossus and in the 1950s HMV radiogram through which I am currently listening to music.

          Aaah, I hear the loudspeaker emitting the dulcet tones of the Harry Roy Orchestra.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjWOdVdasGM

          Isn't the Internet a wonderful thing?

    3. John Sanders
      Facepalm

      Re: Pedant alert

      """Britain's new Queen Elizabeth-class aircraft carriers will be Windows XP-free zones"""

      They will run Windows 7 instead...

Page:

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like