back to article NEW ERA for HUMANITY? NASA says something 'major' FOUND ON MARS

Perhaps to give the President time to act in advance, NASA says it will unveil a "major" discovery it has made on our planetary neighbour Mars later today. Nobody knows what the discovery could be, but there has to be at least some chance that at last, alien life has been discovered on another planet than our own. The US …

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  1. stucs201

    It'll be a rock

    It's always a rock.

    It might be an important and interesting rock.

    But it'll be a rock.

    (Don't take this the wrong way, I like space rocks, just not them being overhyped and the inevitable OMG-LIFE!!!1111EleventyOne!!! response from the press and others)

    1. Joerg

      Re: It'll be a rock

      Of course they tell it's always a rock. They will never tell the truth although it is full of alien life and spaceship and buildings everywhere in their own released pictures on which sometimes someone from the inside is allowing the censoring software to fail .. so that something can be seen.

      1. Mark Simon

        Re: It'll be a rock

        Are you all right?

      2. BillG
        Boffin

        Re: It'll be a rock

        NASA: "We found a rock. the rock has a chemical on it, that is similar to another chemical, that is a precursor to another cursor that looks like an amino acid that is an exciting building block of life. But we won't know for sure until we get more funding :) "

    2. Geoff Johnson

      Re: It'll be a rock

      Reminds me of this...

      LISTER: OK, OK. What's Holly spotted?

      RIMMER: An unidentified object.

      LISTER: You mean a rock.

      RIMMER: It might not be.

      LISTER: They're always rocks.

      RIMMER: Mostly they're rocks, I agree, but maybe this one's different.

      LISTER: Rimmer, there's nothing out there, you know. There's nobody out

      there. No alien monsters, no Zargon warships, no beautiful blondes

      with beehive hairdos who say, "Show me some more of this Earth thing

      called kissing." There's just you, me, the Cat, and a lot of floating

      smegging rocks. That's it. Finito.

      Sorry, can't get the formatting right.

      1. Turtle

        @Geoff Johnson Re: Reminds me of this...

        The first six lines of Lister and Rimmer reminded *me* of "Waiting For Godot".

        1. Teiwaz

          Re: @Geoff Johnson Reminds me of this...

          "The first six lines of Lister and Rimmer reminded *me* of "Waiting For Godot"."

          Not a coincidence, the title of the Red Dwarf episode the quotes from is 'waiting for god' Series 1 episode 4.

          1. Turtle

            @Teiwaz

            "Not a coincidence, the title of the Red Dwarf episode the quotes from is 'waiting for god' Series 1 episode 4."

            Thanks for the info!

            Before I posted, I actually googled "Lister Rimmer rock" to see where the lines were from but the search didn't seem to bring up any results that struck me as relevant.

      2. Stuart Elliott

        Re: It'll be a rock

        It's a smegging garbage pod!

        1. P. Lee

          Re: It'll be a rock

          >It's a smegging garbage pod!

          You obviously aren't a true believer!

          But what do the ancient cryptic text-speak words, "u rio sity" mean?

    3. Michael Thibault

      Re: It'll be a rock

      Of course, a rock--but with fossil.

      That, or a sock. In fact, all of the singletons ever gone missing, from the earliest years of the washing machine era to the present day.

      Either way, worth NASA having made the trip.

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: It'll be a rock

        No, socks are the pupa stage of coat hangers

        1. hplasm
          Thumb Up

          Re: It'll be a rock

          "No, socks are the pupa stage of coat hangers"

          Which are in turn the larval stage of shopping carts.

      2. Dazed and Confused

        Re: It'll be a rock

        > Of course, a rock--but with fossil.

        Nah it's dust, but it's dust with a boot print with the words

        Made in China

        clearly visible in relief

    4. Steven Roper

      Re: It'll be a rock

      My money's on it being a rock as well.

      With a fossil of some kind in it. Or at least some markings that could be interpreted as a fossil.

      It's unlikely they'll find life now, but since Mars was supposed to be warmer and wetter in the past it's entirely feasible that they could discover fossils of life that existed back then.

      Either way, it would still answer the age-old question of life evolving elsewhere once and for all, and it would profoundly change our perception of ourselves in relation to the universe.

      1. Mark 85

        Re: It'll be a rock

        If it is a fossil, there will be a lot screaming, hair-pulling, and chest-beating from various religious groups and US CongressCritters. My bet is that it's not a fossil or will be reported as "looks like but isn't a fossil". To much turmoil will be raised in tumultuous times for that kind of new. Besides, certain "believers" in Congress would kill NASA's entire budget for reasons of blasphemy.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: It'll be a rock

          @Mark85: If it is a fossil, there will be a lot screaming, hair-pulling, and chest-beating from various religious groups and US CongressCritters.

          No there won't. They will just find new ways to deny it, misinterpret the data and discredit the authors. That's what zealots do.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It'll be a rock

        "and it would profoundly change our perception of ourselves in relation to the universe."

        Sadly, it wont. We will carry on as we are doing. Fighting amongst ourselves like we have always done. Slowly polluting our planet, just as we have always done. Ad nauseam...

        UNTIL some ET bugger actually lands here, at which point it will be taken off for "tests" at area51, ad nauseam.

    5. Wzrd1 Silver badge

      Re: It'll be a rock

      Unless it is a newly discovered gas gradient.

      Or my lost pen.

      Or an odd mineral never seen before on Mars, which would be a stretch.

      Hopefully, not a sign of my family Mars wilderness excursion. We always have practiced "leave no trace behind".

      But then, I was a Cube Scout. Octagons were obscene to us.

      1. James 51

        Re: It'll be a rock

        Or an odd mineral never seen before on Mars

        Given the amount of Mars that has been explored and analyised in detail this isn't so far fetched. Personally I think they'll annouce 'Water!' for what, the third or fourth time now.

        http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/06/25/wellies_mars_water_everywhere_500_000_years_ago/

        http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/04/14/rover_worth_its_salt_mars_sometimes_has_liquid_water/

        http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/03/06/boffins_say_mars_had_ocean_covering_20_per_cent_of_planet/

        etc etc.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          Coat

          Re: It'll be a rock

          Or an odd mineral never seen before on Mars

          An object more generally referred to outside specialist scientific circles as "a rock".

        2. Benchops

          Re: It'll be a rock

          Anaqueta (sp?), or an actual buried stargate

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It'll be a rock

      Let’s hope this “announcement” is vetted better than NASA’s 1996 ALH84001 meteorite claim of microscopic evidence of Mars bacteria, that is believed by the Scientific Community to be bogus. Or vetted better than NASA’s 2010 claim to have discovered a bacterium in Mono Lake that used arsenic in place of phosphorus in it’s biochemistry, only the authors of the paper (Wolfe-Simon, et al, Science 332, 1163-1166 (2010), DOI: 10.1126/science.1197258) misanalysed their own data. A careful analysis of the data presented in said paper didn’t support the authors conclusions.

    7. Mad_Max

      Re: It'll be a rock

      (Don't take this the wrong way, I like space rocks, just not them being overhyped and the inevitable OMG-LIFE!!!1111EleventyOne!!! response from the press and others)

      I disagree...

      If I were to find a space rock and it tested positive for alien life my name would be written in textbooks, spoken in schools, lectures and universities until the end of time. That "space rock" would be one of the greatest discoveries of mankind.

      1. stucs201

        Re: It'll be a rock

        *IF* it was covered in life then that would merely be appropriate hype. But the reaction we always get to the pre-announcement turns out to be over-hype when yet again the rock isn't covered in life.

    8. Martin Budden Silver badge

      Re: It'll be a rock

      It wasn't a rock. It was a WET rock!

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They've found 'MARVIN THE MARTIAN'

    Send for....DUCK DODGERS!

    Either that or they've found one Matt Damon's stools!

    1. Preston Munchensonton
      Pint

      Re: They've found 'MARVIN THE MARTIAN'

      Matt Damon!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QApeYpw7KQQ

    2. DropBear
      Joke

      Re: They've found 'MARVIN THE MARTIAN'

      Naaah, they found that HP printer....

  3. Mutton Jeff

    Nah

    They'll be unveiling nasa branded ice cream, or something.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I hope it's that the rover is currently standing knee deep in water but I suspect the earlier poster is correct and it'll be a rock.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ... a space nazi rock!

  5. Mark 85

    They found the black monolith?

    Or a pile black rocks that could have been a monolith? Probably the wrong planet for the monolith, one can hope.

  6. Harry the Bastard

    let me be the first to say that

    i, for one, welcome our new martian overlords

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They have found a David Bowie LP on Mars.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Something major...

        Tom?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Do we really need teasers?

    If they have something to say, why not just say it? It's not as if it's a new Maxi iPad.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Do we really need teasers?

      If they have something to say, why not just say it? It's not as if it's a new Maxi iPad.

      On the plus side, at least they have PLENTY place to queue beforehand without disturbing traffic.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Do we really need teasers?

        IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!

  9. Your alien overlord - fear me

    They're using it to reveal that all the planets leaders are lizard people and we're about become farm fodder for their growing colonies.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @Your alien overlord - fear me

      "They're using it to reveal that all the planets leaders are lizard people and we're about become farm fodder for their growing colonies."

      That's not news.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      http://dilbert.com/strip/1993-03-28

  10. davtom

    Maybe they'll talk about Monday's lunar eclipse.

  11. Notas Badoff
    Joke

    Surprise guest

    It'll be a picture of a metal plaque showing © 1971 and some unreadable Cyrillic characters, the surprise guest at the conference will have a Russian accent, and their simple explanation "Mars has always been part of the motherland! We will build a bridge to it."

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My money's on...

    A Tesco's carrier bag has got snagged round its wheels.

    1. Teiwaz

      Re: My money's on...

      "A Tesco's carrier bag has got snagged round its wheels."

      Better now than a weeks time and be charged 5 pence...

  13. x 7

    not rocks, but rock snakes. Very sedentary until you shoot at them.

    or Mysterons...........

    1. Flat Phillip

      Do the rock snakes shoot sparkling cannonballs?

  14. Kaltern

    No, it'll be a pube. They get everywhere, always where you least expect them..

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