back to article BOFH: I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know

"Is he still there?" I ask the PFY, maintaining direct eye contact with him so that I can truthfully claim that I didn't see the Health and Safety guy hanging around the hallway to Mission Control like a bad smell. There's a new push in the company to make the place safer and unfortunately the push concerned doesn't involve …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Superb!

    That's it!

  2. eJ2095

    Pfy

    Started doing the "Safety Dance" late ron

  3. Cynical Observer
    Coffee/keyboard

    Note to self -

    ... put coffee down

    " the infinite patience of the mentally deficient."

    Bravo sir!

    1. Dabooka

      Re: Note to self -

      That is going to quoted a lot.

      Top stuff!

    2. Adam Inistrator

      Re: Note to self -

      Reminds me of a John Le Carre character's observation, Smiley I think, about the capacity of violent minds for menial work.

  4. Captain Scarlet
    Mushroom

    Laminated Glass here :(

    I once made the mistake of reporting I banged my head under a desk and cut my finger on some cardboard, now I have to wear a special padded hat which falls off if I need to get under a desk and gloves when moving cardboard.

    1. Tom 7

      Re: Laminated Glass here :(

      I was once asked it I'd read the safety manual - apparently this was listed as mandatory for all employees in another manual that was restricted* - so I quipped that I had received a paper cut while reading it. A few days later the delivery man got a hernia bringing the new laminated version round to everyone.

      * I'd swear some companies model themselves on Dean Warmer from Animal House and run things on a permanent 'Double Secret Probation Level' so they can instigate wild-cat strikes during the rugby world cup.

      1. earl grey
        Pint

        Re: Laminated Glass here :(

        Upvote for Dean Warmer reference.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Laminated Glass here :(

          I had to handle cryogenics (liquid Nitrogen etc) so was sent on a cold-something-something safety course. Great day out at the Scott-Polar institute listening to stories about being trapped in crevasses, how to put up a tent in a blizzard - nothing about liquid nitrogen but I got a certificate.

  5. eJ2095

    For the nice people across the pond

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Re: For the nice people across the pond

      Knowledge is Good

    2. Cubical Drone

      Re: For the nice people across the pond

      Why did you do that!! After many years and gallons of alcohol I had managed to blot that song from my memory. Now it is back. You are evil!!

      1. Jimboom

        Re: For the nice people across the pond

        @Safety Dance

        Argh! Stop making reference to it! It only makes it worse! I had a hard enough time getting it out of my head after watching the latest South Park episode. Although for the very fact Mr Garrison f**ks Donald trump to death, it was worth it.

    3. Sir Runcible Spoon
      Facepalm

      Re: For the nice people across the pond

      My wife acts just like that girl in the video, however she isn't very patient...

      ..but I am. Oh.

    4. The Vociferous Time Waster

      Re: For the nice people across the pond

      The band is Canadian.

      1. Mark York 3 Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: For the nice people across the pond

        I didn't know that,explains the frequent airplay over here in Canada (really loathe the remix version that usually gets played).

        I usually spend a lot of time trying to figure out if that actually is rural England in the video & where, so I finally googled it, West Kington, near Chippenham.

        Icon - A Clever Man With A Hat.

    5. Demonix

      Re: For the nice people across the pond

      Wandered off to follow the link, 1 hour later and I am all eightied out.

  6. Simon B

    Fantastic :D had me grinning from start to end!

  7. Paul Smith

    Meh...

    H&S provides so many opportunities for creative mayhem that just chucking him out the windows seems a bit, I don't know, lame?

    1. Chris King

      Re: Meh...

      Depends on the windows.

      I can throw my office windows so far open, I can defenestrate people without them even touching the frame or the pane.

      (Not that I've tested this, you understand)

      1. John 110

        Re: Meh...

        You've got windows! Bastard!!

    2. john bertelsen

      Re: Meh...

      I think the PFY hit him with a phone book fired out of the ether cannon built into his filing cabinet. Pushing out the window without either pyrotechnics or electricity (cattle prod) is lame.

  8. Chris King

    Obligatory safety video

    An old, old internet classic. Looks like an ordinary safety video until about the 2nd accident - the one with the knife.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oB6DN5dYWo

    (Jump to 2:10 if you're impatient)

    1. Groaning Ninny

      Re: Obligatory safety video

      Oh my goodness.

      Thanks.

      I think.

    2. The Original Steve

      Re: Obligatory safety video

      And who says the Germans don't have a good sense of humour - excellent. The last scene is something straight from a Final Destination film!

    3. GregC
      Happy

      Re: Obligatory safety video

      @Chris - you beat me to it :) Still brilliant.

  9. BenBell
    Pint

    Thankyou, Again!

    I said it last week and I'll say it again - You've saved the sanity of our team on yet another maintenance Friday.

    Instead of changing backup tapes, checking reported disk failures etc while making boring small talk about the coming weekend - we are instead trying to come up with the most imaginative way to kill a H&S rep :)

    God bless you.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Thankyou, Again!

      we are instead trying to come up with the most imaginative way to kill a H&S rep

      It is called "creatively managing H&S headcount". From what I hear, "murdering" is frowned upon, even of H&S staff. Always maintain plausible deniability :).

  10. Chris G

    H&S officers are for everybody's benefit

    Allegedly.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: H&S officers are for everybody's benefit

      yes, they provide no end of entertainment.

      Or targets.

  11. Maverick

    fat

    "NOT A FAT FIRE!" he counters.

    "Well, if the Boss spontaneously combusts I'll keep that in mind," the PFY continues.

    awesome and a new keyboard required

    1. Toltec

      Re: fat

      "NOT A FAT FIRE!" he counters."

      The safety elf missed magnesium, much more likely to be present in a server room...

      Surprised the BOFH does not have any Chlorine Triflouride to hand as well, though being pushed out of a window is the kinder alternative.

  12. Chris King

    They just don't think...

    A couple of years ago, I received a H&S questionnaire that asked some truly bizarre questions

    One of the questions asked if I stored chemicals in my office. One of the boxes was for "organophosphate-based nerve agents".

    I found myself wondering what would happen if I ticked that box - would they send in a team to decontaminate the building, or make me sit through https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sQFFuTMzY ?

    1. John Miles

      Re: One of the boxes was for "organophosphate-based nerve agents".

      Well did you have any? Or perhaps they just think you may be storing a can of fly spray

      weird questions are sometimes to check people read boring questions properly

      1. Chris King

        Re: One of the boxes was for "organophosphate-based nerve agents".

        This particular question did actually mention VX, Tabun and Sarin as examples.

        Some of our LAN rooms have suffered insect infestations in the past, but we've never had to resort to anything quite so extreme !

    2. My-Handle

      Re: They just don't think...

      On this note, our company's old leave system required that you select a reason for absence in the case of sick leave. This list included (and this is by no means exhaustive in it's ridiculousness) Scarlet Fever, the Plague and Smallpox. Methinks that if someone genuinely ended up in a position where they had to legitimately select that box, the company might have a little more to worry about than filling in the correct paperwork.

      This old system was retired two weeks ago with a new one that actually worked at a reasonable speed. Did they take the opportunity to write up a new, sensible list, or did they just inherit the list from the old system? Go on, take a wild guess.

  13. Robert Sneddon

    Use the right equipment for the job

    Taping the grip of a CO2 extinguisher is fraught with danger, there's a risk someone could undo the tape in time. Cable ties, now... They're also good for bypassing those bothersome "grip safety" cutouts on chainsaws and the like, tape peels off when it gets soggy with, uh, "fluids". Or so I conjecture.

    1. Toltec

      Re: Use the right equipment for the job

      Remember to use the stainless steel ones, they will not melt...

  14. Matthew 3

    H&S

    It's always fun to deliberately trip over a 'Caution: wet floor' sign and then complain about the hazard.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: H&S

      I once witnessed a chef run through a kitchen, slip on a wet floor and crack his ribs on a wet floor sign. It was a glorious day.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: H&S

        During my very first job as a mainframe operator, H&S noticed that there wasn;t a First Aid kit in the computer suite, so they installed one. Unfortunately, they installed it on the outside wall of our office within the computer room, which formed one wall of a not too wide corridor with an IBM 4381 forming the other side of the corridor. There was a lot of white and grey in our computer suite, and the First aid box was white, with a wee red cross on, and mounted on the wall at head height.

        We'd never had an accident up to that point. The very first shift after they'd installed the First Aid kit, I spotted that the backup job my colleague had started was about to need a second tape, dashed enthusiastically (hey, I was a newbie PFY, I got over it eventually!) out of the office door, sharp right to go and change the ..CLANNNNNG!! - and very nearly knocked myself out. I later had the fun of dutifully filling in the accident book explaining how I'd injured myself on the badly-positioned First Aid kit. Bizarrely, H&S refused to move the thing to somewhere safer. It did keep me alert for dangers around me, I suppose...

        1. rhydian

          Re: H&S

          Speaking of H&S and first aid kits...

          My old man works for an Utility company (water), and at one water treatment works they had some H&S bods (they hunt in pairs) turn up and inspect. They clocked the First Aid box, and after inspecting it, fastened it shut tight with a cable tie "seal".

          My old man goes over and asks "why have you tied the First Aid box shut?"

          Bods say "Its so we can tell if someone uses the First Aid box"

          My old man then raises the following issue "How do I get in to this sealed First Aid box? Especially with a hand injury?"

          Bod goes "You have scissors on site?"

          And my old man says, with a beaming smile "Yes we do, a really good set as well. They're in the First Aid box..."

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: H&S

          I would pry it out of the wall with my own bloody hands, (actually bloody from the head injury, probably) with bolts and everything, throw a hissy fit with the Health Department blokes, and probably throw the First Aid cabinet in their general direction, while cursing their sorry asses to the 5th generation. And tell them to shove that thing outside of people's head's general path.

          But that's just me.

          Well, I once actually got the bathroom cabinet over the sink to fall on my head due loose bolts, except it was nobody's fault but my own for the lack of maintenance... It still hurt, and opened a nice bleedy gash on my forehead... Still got me really angry about it.

    2. A K Stiles
      Alert

      Re: H&S @Matthew 3

      Were you in our office kitchen this morning? Tripped over the unexpected wet floor sign in the middle of the floor, and it (the floor, and in fact also the sign) wasn't even damp!

    3. Chris King

      Re: H&S

      If someone leaves a bucket next to the sign, I do sometimes find myself wondering if the sign is a warning or an instruction...

  15. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    H&S fail

    I was visited by our corporate H&S bod a couple of years ago. The inspection included a review of how I used my PC, and I actually failed the assessment for incorrect use of the mouse.

    That was actually one of the proudest moments of my 30+ year career in the IT industry

    1. John Robson Silver badge

      Re: H&S fail

      I'm intruiged - how does one use a mouse wrongly?

      I can think of several things, but none of them really come under the term use - nore misuse (things like tying the cor round an H&S bod's neck...

      1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

        Re: H&S fail

        "I'm intruiged - how does one use a mouse wrongly?"

        I was using the scroll wheel to scroll up and down through documents. Apparently that's the wrong way to do it.

        What you're supposed to do is *press* the scroll wheel, move the mouse forwards/backwards to scroll through the document, and then press the scroll wheel again to go back to normal mouse operation.

        Or, you could choose to tell them to shove the H&S nonsense up their arse, point out that you were using a mouse before they were even born, can remember when the scroll wheel was introduced and have been using it like that ever since then.

        1. Number6

          Re: H&S fail

          I just tried that here[*], has no effect. Back to using the wheel. Are you supposed to hold the wheel down while scrolling or is it an on-off operation?

          [*] Well, it's Friday afternoon, provides some light relief.

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: H&S fail

          "What you're supposed to do is *press* the scroll wheel, move the mouse forwards/backwards to scroll through the document, and then press the scroll wheel again to go back to normal mouse operation."

          Since that method doesn't work on a Linux desktop does that mean that Linux desktops are banned by H&S? Hah! Year of the Linux desktop. Only over the cold dead bodies of the H&S reps!

          Wait....what? :-)

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