back to article Witness Apple's iPhone-iPad extravapalooza here in our no-hate zone

Gooooood morning, Pacific America. Today is at last the great day. From 10am today, 1700 UTC, Apple will reveal the new era-defining machinery that will power our lives into the future. Our excitable cousins in the UK are not like us here in San Francisco, California. While we hold hope, they hold scorn. This is now a no-hate …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well, thanks

    ...now I get to buy a new sarcasm detector AND I get to clean the fume hood! Wheee

    1. Bloakey1

      Re: Well, thanks

      Agreed. My heart rate increased and i was pouring with sweat at the thought of such a glorious day. A day when Windoze Lusers and Android pussies were put firmly in their place.

      Then I suddenly realised that I did not give a fsck and that none of my money would be spent on these products.

      http://lastcrazy.com/and-not-a-single-fuck-was-given-that-day/

  2. ratfox
    Coffee/keyboard

    This bigger screen iPad Pro lets you touch documents, watch movies, play music. CHECKMATE ANDROID

    You owe me a new keyboard!

  3. Fred Dibnah
    Stop

    Your browser doesn’t support live streaming of the event.

    This is only for the converted iThingers and the pwned W10ers, then. Doesn't sound to me like a great marketing strategy.

    1. Haku

      Re: Your browser doesn’t support live streaming of the event.

      I think it translates to: "Piss off you peasant."

      1. Haku

        Re: Your browser doesn’t support live streaming of the event.

        My laptop just started whooping & hollering & clapping, wondering what the hell was going on I went through my browser windows & tabs to discover I'd left the apple-events tab open on Chrome - it appears they're accomodating the 'peasants' with the now recorded video of the event.

        I'm so overwhelmed I think I might have to go and lie down in a dark room and listen to some Tangerine Dream.

      2. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: Your browser doesn’t support live streaming of the event.

        STOP OPPRESSING ME!

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "If you see a stylus, they blew it."

    -Steve Jobs

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "If you see a stylus, they blew it." -Steve Jobs

      Jobs was wrong about the sizes of both phones and tablets. He was right about the strategy - vertical integration, stick to the top of the market, avoid talking about prices, create an aspirational brand image. Back in the day I once blew £3k on a Mac because it integrated so easily with a graphics tablet and could use removable 100MByte discs.

      But there is no way I would buy one of their watches and I am very unconvinced by this big tablet.

      1. tirk
        Facepalm

        Re: "If you see a stylus, they blew it." -Steve Jobs

        Reminded me of:

        "Nobody Will Ever Need More Than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates. (In 1981, to be fair.)

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Call that a hypegasm? Why, back home in Texas...

    I demand more freak in my show. Let's start with St Crispins Day:

    .

    From this day to the ending of the world,

    But we in it shall be remembered-

    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

    For he to-day that sheds his blood applauds Tim Cook with me

    Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,

    This day shall gentle his condition;

    And gentlemen in England now-a-bed

    Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,

    And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

    That fought bought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: Call that a hypegasm? Why, back home in Texas...

      This rape of the bard's cunningly propagandistic tale is appalling!

  6. Alan Denman

    Surrealism and satire, not hate.

    Come on guys, join the Apple universe.

    All you need for complete happiness is that 100 buck stylus. You get 4 for the price of a Watch so grab 4 today.

  7. fruitoftheloon
    Go

    A tablet with a big screen and a stylus, what f'ing idiot would want one of them....?

    Oops,

    That would be me, commentarding on a Samsung Note Pro, and it cost ONLY 375 of Her Maj's finest....

    I am looking forward to Apple-ites saying how amazing this big, sodding expensive walled-garden new tablet iz, and no fecker has EVER done it before!

    But I could be wrong

    My ha'pennies...

    Jay.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Windows

    One more thing...

    I'm keeping my Windows 10 tablet and Lumia phone with Windows 10 mobile, both on Fast ring technical preview natch! Nurse, my meds!

  9. kryptylomese

    "The future of TV is Apps" - nah that is the present Apple, but I am not surprised that you are trying to take credit for it. - you do not invent you just repackage and increase the price so that evangelised idiots with too much money buy your wares.

  10. jonathanb Silver badge

    Apparently the new iPhone is "the most advanced ever".

    Which isn't really news, because most new models tend to be more advanced than the previous one. The only one that wasn't was the 5c.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Mushroom

      The. Most. Advanced. Cell. Phone. Ever.

      > Apparently the new iPhone is "the most advanced ever".

      No, it's not. It's definitely less advanced than the next iPhone. I know that for a fact.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: The. Most. Advanced. Cell. Phone. Ever.

        If the Ukraine situation gets out of hand, maybe not.

  11. Mark 85
    Pint

    I take it El Reg isn't there in person then?

    I'd be disappointed if Apple had let them in as then Apple's snobbishness and hipness standards would be dropping. Anyway, good coverage and commentary El Reg. Have a beer and be thankful you're not packed in with the teeming fanbois...

    1. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: I take it El Reg isn't there in person then?

      No. We weren't. Apple makes a point of inviting every journo and blogger in San Francisco except us. After the public show, they thrust hacks at the gear they've announced so they can do hands-on reviews, take photos, and talk to exec with PR handlers breathing down necks. And they wouldn't want us within 500ft of that.

      C.

      1. Alan Denman

        Re: I take it El Reg isn't there in person then?

        well the ass kissing everywhere reached new hights.

        We even learnt that a red silicon strap was leaked for the iWatch, maybe the most piss poor leak I ever heard.

  12. Mage Silver badge
    Facepalm

    so you can control your telly remotely by voice or by touch.

    No, you can't. The so called "AppleTV" isn't a TV. It plugs into a TV or Monitor. It doesn't even have a tuner, so it's just an Internet Video streaming box.

    Siri isn't going to adjust anything on my TV.

    1. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: Mage

      Your friends must find you hilarious.

      C.

      1. fruitoftheloon
        Happy

        @DioDesign: Re: Mage

        'friend', ftfu(s)

        Jay.

    2. anonymous boring coward Silver badge

      Re: so you can control your telly remotely by voice or by touch.

      Well, it's for watching TV. Get it?

  13. Stumpy

    Well, as an Apple user (and also a Windows/Linux user too - let's not be biased) ... I'm seriously underwhelmed by the new products.

    It's about time Apple came up with something truly revolutionary and disruptive yet again instead of these small incremental changes year on year ... it's getting dull.

    1. chr0m4t1c
      Joke

      OMG, I never noticed that!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So yawn

    Ugh. No revolutions there except for the medical stuff, that was quite impressive. But for the rest? Bleagh. I entertained myself with trying to spot anyone who actually LOOKED excited when they uttered that compulsory word and others from a VERY small dictionary of hyperbole. I was not thrilled with all the people who were thrilled to be there, and the day that Apple makes something that is NOT "more advanced than ever" means the Earth has stopped to pin because duh, otherwise you would not show it on such an event. "We have made this thing slower and simpler" just doesn't sell so well.

    Anyway, such a non-fibrous diet of hype causes me problems, so excuse me while I go and take some laxatives to dump core.

  15. Dropper

    Can't believe they went with 16GB in the base model phone again.. Android phones can get away with this because they usually have SD card slots. If you're going to charge so much for what is basically a fast SD card imbedded in the phone, at least make it so the price difference between models is as negligible as the cost of said SD card.

    If I can by a high speed 64GB SD card for under $50.. the cost of a 64GB iPhone 6whatever should be absolutely no more than $50 above the base model. I'm pretty sure that Apple can get better prices on SD RAM than I can.. but if not they should look at buying theirs from Walmart or Office Depot..

  16. El_Fev

    The hate will flow...

    and they will continue to make profit in numbers that leave the competition weeping!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Funniest part

    Was when they unveiled the very Surface-esque stylus and keyboard and two minutes later got a couple of plonkers from Microsoft out to do a demo with office on the iPad pro.

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

      Re: Funniest part

      So the question is...

      Does the Office on the Maxi-Pad work better than it does on the Surface Thingy?

      It would be kinda ironic if it did.

  18. John Riddoch

    Reassuringly expensive

    I see they're keeping their margins high - $99 for a stylus (seriously, what tech do you need in a stylus to justify that price tag?) and $169 for the keyboard (and you could just about get a chromebook for that price).

    And yet, people will pay those prices. For some, the price will be worth it, I guess.

    1. Goatshadow

      Re: Reassuringly expensive

      Don't worry, the price will come down.

      Next year.

      When the Pencil Air is announced.

    2. Mike Moyle

      Re: Reassuringly expensive

      I hope Apple has licensed Wacom's excellent tech -- their Bamboo Fineline stylus is excellent. I've used one with my Pad since last Christmas and been quite happy with it (fine point, not the big rubber knob of standard styli, bluetooth, and 1024-levels pressure-sensitive). Besides Wacom's own Bamboo Paper notebook app, other apps support the stylus, including Smart Note which does tolerable OCR if you print relatively neatly and -- for old-school geeks -- can export to LaTeX, among other formats.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anybody else wonder that if it can take 1.5 seconds of video before you start recording that it's already recording and then with regards to the low sdram could it be there's another 32 hidden in there recording your every move?

    1. bobgameon

      Its actually constantly recording the moment you start the camera. It keeps 1.5sec worth in memory while dumping the rest.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Today is a great day."

    I assume that was a reference to the German officer who surrendered to the Russians at the end of WW2. In an effort to ingratiate himself he began "Today is a great day...", and the Russian officer replied "Today is a great day for us. For you over there, it may be different."

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Childcatcher

    Magical and game-changing

    Just off to olde London-town to pitch my tent outside the Apple Store. I would willingly sell my house and all its contents to help Apple.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shortest..

    ..all day battery yet! 10 Hours for the Ipad Pro, and Iphone 6S(Success) Live Photos with sound aka Short Movies. Apple TV which is a Box you plug into your Gogglebox. Truly Amazing, Incredible, Magical and Revolutionary.

  23. Tromos

    Innovations?

    No - the ideas are so old they more likely came from excavations.

  24. bobgameon

    Best Coverage by Anyone

    I didn't know you guys were covering the event so couldn't catch it live. Just went through the feed. Absolutely Hilarious.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wired Remote ?!

    Their new TV Remote is Wired ?

    Hard sell, but I guess if it's expensive enough...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. anonymous boring coward Silver badge

    Yeah, about that Jobs-stylus thing. I'm pretty sure he meant that if you HAD to use a stylus, this was bad. He was right, of course.

    1. D@v3

      stylus

      I'd always figured he was talking about 'phones anyway.

      What with the smaller screens, if you had screwed up the UI so much that it was unusable without a pin to poke it with, then you had failed.

      1. anonymous boring coward Silver badge

        Re: stylus

        Requiring a stylus was the norm before the i-things.

        It was all very clunky -basically some minor adaptions of desktop GUIs.

        I had a personal organiser Sharp running Linux (still have it somewhere). Required a stylus. Unless you had fingers shaped like styli.

        Palm was probably on the right path, but still.. required a stylus.

        People just seem to forget how massive a change the iOS was.

  27. jason 7

    You can really tell someone...

    ...has lost their mojo.

    Just interesting to see how long the loyal press and fans can keep the hype going.

  28. TRT Silver badge

    Does anyone know...

    why the new apple tv comes with a lightning to USB cable?

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