back to article Zionists stole my SHOE, claims Muslim campaigner

Sometimes there's only one rational explanation for not finding your shoe: obviously, Zionists working within a global conspiracy must have taken it. At least this was the explanation put forward by Asghar Bukhari, founder of lobby group the Muslim Public Affairs Committee, on a Facebook rant (now seemingly not there any more …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Maybe he should have consulted his dog first?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Unlikely

      Dogs are considered unclean.

      Anon. Oh, come on, would you like a fatwa up your backside?

      1. Seth Johnson

        Re: Unlikely

        I'll "bite" as I've read a bit about this recently. Yes Muslims are not allowed to keep dogs except as working dogs.

        And 'fatwa' is closer in translation to 'educated religious opinion', rather than the common understanding. So eg whether or not a muslim fasting during Ramadan is allowed to use ear drops or eye drops would come under the approprite 'fatwa'.

      2. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: AC Re: Unlikely

        "Dogs are considered unclean....." Well, mainly yes but also no. Just as there are many branches of Christianity with a common core but differing details of belief, so too there are different "schools" of Islam with different approaches to animals. The Maliki Sunnis don't view dogs as unclean, indeed they value them for their loyalty. The common Muslim insistence that dogs are "unclean" probably stems from a pre-Islamic Arab superstition that black dogs were the embodiment of evil and messengers for Allat, the ancient Arabic goddess of the underworld.

    2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Something similar happened

      in [The Hound of the Baskervilles].

      So, better forbear from crossing the moor in those dark hours when the powers of evil are exalted, then.

    3. Sleep deprived
      Happy

      That happened with one of my sandals...

      while sea kayaking. At night, a fox (perhaps from Mossad?) had dragged one of them along a trail, until he decided he had no use for a size 12 and dropped it.

  2. Doogs
    Joke

    "El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for a comment"

    Wonder if having Mossad annoyed at you is worse than having Apple annoyed at you...

    1. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: "El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for a comment"

      Expect to see a bit more focus on fibreglass cars in the motoring section ...

  3. Khaptain Silver badge

    Description of the thief

    The police have issued a description of a man wearing a large furry hat, what appears to be dreadlocks ( 2 of), has only one leg, impeccable lock picking skills, capable of hopping very silently, speaks Yiddish and has a severely bad taste in shoes.

    Now that cant be to hard to pick out, in fact I think I can see him trying to escape

  4. Tromos
    Joke

    Round up all the usual suspects

    The one-legged ones, that is.

  5. Alister
    Joke

    He has given us a sign!

    He has given us a sign!

    He has given us...his shoe!

    The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example!

    What?

    Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other one be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise!

    1. Peter Storm

      !

      He's not a Mossad agent, he's just a very naughty boy!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: He has given us a sign!

      No, no, no. The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.

      1. g e

        Re: He has given us a sign!

        I've got a gourd.... ?

  6. auburnman

    gloabl? Come on.

    I realise deadline and money pressures are squeezing the proofreading process, but this clearly hasn't even been spell-checked.

    1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: auburnman Re: gloabl? Come on.

      "I realise deadline and money pressures are squeezing the proofreading process, but this clearly hasn't even been spell-checked." I suspect the author was having problems typing due to being doubled over in mirth. However, it does come across as a bit tragic that - having read the silliness of Mr Bukhari's post - you only saw fit to comment on a typo.

      1. auburnman
        Trollface

        Re: auburnman gloabl? Come on.

        It's all worth it to see something as rare as rocking horse shit - a Matt Bryant post with no downvotes and not insulting anyone (if we let 'a bit tragic' slide.) :)

        1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: aubunrman Re: auburnman gloabl? Come on.

          "....a Matt Bryant post with no downvotes...." I assume the usual supporters of "the oppressed" were too busy counting their shoes to post.

    2. PleebSmash

      Re: gloabl? Come on.

      Kat Hall is in on the conspiracy

  7. TeeCee Gold badge
    Facepalm

    Does anyone listen?

    I don't know which likelihood is worse here:

    1) He genuinely believes that and people still listen to him.

    2) He's a piece of shit-stirring scum and people still listen to him.

    Next week: Having realised that this makes him look even more of a twat than usual, he claims that Mossad hacked his Faceberk account and posted that to discredit him....

    1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Does anyone listen?

      Idiots listen to idiots. Always have, always will.

      There's gonna be a ton of people stupid enough, paranoid enough, or otherwise religiously/politically enraged to pay attention to this prat.

      Is he going to retract this when he finds his shoe down the back of the shoe rack or under the dog bed? Fuck no. After all, the only thing worse than looking like a twat, is looking like a twat twice.

      1. Matt Bryant Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Jimmy2Cows Re: Does anyone listen?

        "....Is he going to retract this when he finds his shoe down the back of the shoe rack or under the dog bed?...." Of course not! He will justify it to himself by claiming that the Zionists put it back again just to further mess with him. That kind of delusional behaviour is self-perpetuating, the only hope is that Mr Bukhari will amuse us with another hilarious post when the shoe is "evilly" returned.

    2. william 10

      Re: Does anyone listen?

      It's not he believes, its a fact we have all listened to him (we may not believe him) and this disturbs me!

      I keep remembering the story about Paul Gascoigne and his so called paranoia over having his phone hacked - every one said this was part of his mental illness yet the Daily Mirror had to pay him £180K in compensation because they hacked his phone.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ???

    Slow news day folks???

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: ???

      Nope. It was a slow shoes day...

      OK. OK. I'll get my coat. Just a minute. Where's my coat? Who's stolen my coat!?!

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thank God for atheism.

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Good point, because if religion didn't exist we could use their nationalities instead.

      1. Khaptain Silver badge

        Or the colour of our skin, or our genders, our weight, height, eye colour, breathing pattern, ionic distribution spread etc etc

        We will always find a means to segregate, it's in our nature.

        1. Yugguy

          Exactly - the belief that if religion didn't exist we'd be living in some form of rational utopia is daft. Humans will always find a way to hate other humans - for instance the Khmer Rouge.

        2. BrownishMonstr

          Yeah, like the dumb are anti-scrub and the wise are pro-scrub.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @ wolfetone

        I prefer to think for myself instead of someone else telling me what to think, rational persuasion and religious doctrine are juxtaposed terms.

        1. wolfetone Silver badge

          @Mine's A Guinness

          I don't really care to be honest.

    2. Tom 13

      To date, atheists have killed more people than all other religions combined. Yes, that includes all the casualties on both sides of the crusades.

  10. petur
    Coat

    Next week

    Next week, he will claim they broke in again and hid the shoe behind the couch! Them bastards!!!11!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Next week

      Looking on the bright side, presumably George Bush has got some single shoes that he could send this bloke? And on that point, is the bloke sure he hasn't thrown his own shoe at an American president and simply forgotten?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

    For some reason I am reminded of two "stories" they ran. The first was

    "WW2 bomber found ON MOON" (with appropriate photo evidence).

    Then the next week, the headline was "WW2 bomber found on Moon DISAPPEARS" which led into an article seriously examining the "possible" explanations

    1) That the bomber has been removed by the same forces that got it there

    2) That the bomber was still operational and flying over the moon

    or

    3) The photo (last weeks) was a FAKE.

    The fact that they served 3 explanations to their readership tells you all you need to know.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

      Ah, the good old Sunday Sport...

      My favourite headline was "Vampire 3-in-a-bed Sex Scandal".

      1. paulf
        Mushroom

        Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

        My favourite was when they reported this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQo6t9vcZYc

        as "Anthea Turner's head explodes"

        These days I prefer Viz - at least they don't pretend what they're publishing isn't bollocks.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

          yeah but Viz aint as funny as it used to be and the price!!

          Mind, the rogers thesaurus is worth its weight in unobtanium.

          Corgi registered: Services old boilers... PMSL

      2. cd

        Re: Anyone remember the Sunday Sport ?

        US supermarket paper: "Statue of Elvis Found On Mars"

  12. Rich 11

    El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

    Find someone who speaks Hebrew, Arabic, Russian or (as a last resort) French:

    https://www.mossad.gov.il/pages/contactus.aspx

    1. Groaning Ninny

      Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

      I clicked the little "EN" image in one corner to get:

      https://www.mossad.gov.il/eng/pages/encontactus.aspx

      Ahem.

    2. Allan George Dyer
      Black Helicopters

      Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

      "El Reg did not receive a comment from Mossad." FTFY

      Come on, they're a spy agency, saying "I wonder if we can get a comment from Mossad?" in a moderate voice is probably enough to get their attention.

      1. Fink-Nottle

        Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

        In late breaking news, a Mossad spokesman said "You've got to pick a pocket or two, boys. You've got to pick a pocket or shoe."

      2. Captain DaFt

        Re: El Reg was unable to contact Mossad for comment

        How to tell Mossad has contacted El Reg:

        When the author of this article finds his keys missing from his pocket, only later to find them under a couch cushion.

  13. dotdavid

    "on a Facebook rant (now seemingly not there any more)"

    Mossad stole it?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now it becomes clear.

    Terrorists have a back door into my washing machine. Every other wash cycle, they steal one sock.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Now it becomes clear.

      They are constantly putting new hangers in my wardrobe.

      1. Chris Miller

        Re: Now it becomes clear.

        And moving my spectacles from room to room.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Now it becomes clear.

          So that's what happens to the TV remote controller? It's Al Qaeda I tell you!

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