back to article Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

After several millennia of global dominance, the human species is still uncertain about the motivations of those chickens that choose to cross the road. But last Monday, officers from the Portland Police Department got the opportunity to tackle this most insoluble of philosophical problems after a plucky clucker ventured into …

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  1. Anomalous Cowshed

    because...

    It's Friday, and...it's not Friday? Oh yes it is. In this universe, today is Friday...the 42nd.

    1. Anomalous Cowshed

      Re: because...

      Old McDonald had a farm, Eieio

      And in this farm there was a pig, Eieio

      And "step out of the car"

      And "you're under arrest"

      "Don't this, do that" - "That's it I'm out of here!"

      Old McDonald had a farm, Eieio.

    2. Mpeler
      Coat

      Re: because...

      He saw all the beautiful, fast cars, and wanted to be like them....

      Poultry in motion....

  2. WillbeIT
    Trollface

    umm..

    To, er, get to , um, the other side perhaps? Just sayin

    1. Frank Zuiderduin

      Re: umm..

      Yup. That's it. I thought everybody knew that.

      1. Anonymaus Cowark

        Re: umm..

        yeap the gras is greener on the other side

        1. Evil Auditor Silver badge

          Re: umm..

          the gras is greener on the other side

          So, the poor chicken would continuously be crossing the road until it starves?

          (wouldn't be that surprised...)

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: umm..

          yeap the gras is greener on the other side

          It's a chicken, not a cow :)

    2. Stuart Moore

      Re: umm..

      Yes, to get to the other aide, have known that since age 4

      Which made it all the more astounding when age 27 someone pointed out it also meant to die...

      All that time and I hadn't spotted the actual joke!

      1. Cliff

        Re: umm..

        Well damn! I'm 42 and had never got it either. Thank you Stuart, have a +1. I'd give you +2 if I could. Makes a heap more sense than an anti pattern.

      2. stucs201

        Re: also meant to die...

        The alternative question for that is "Why did the chicken commit suicide?"

        1. Frankee Llonnygog

          Re: also meant to die...

          IT version:

          Why did the button commit suicide?

          It was depressed.

      3. Aaiieeee
        Mushroom

        Re: umm..

        My mind is blown..... and I'm 27 too..

      4. Martin Maloney
        Coat

        Re: umm..

        "...It's really trying to go into the middle..."

        Q: Why did the American chicken cross the road?

        A: To get to the middle.

      5. Eddy Ito

        Re: umm..

        Ok, I still don't see how the chicken also meant to die. If it were a modern joke I'd understand given the amount of traffic and speeds it travels but when the joke appears to have originated, 1847, the invention of the automobile was still nearly 40 years distant and Lincoln wouldn't be elected for over a decade so crossing a road should have been trivial unless there happened to be a horse carriage at full gallop coming through. This whole chicken suicide sounds like some sort of new-age codswallop to me.

    3. Captain Hogwash

      Re: umm..

      To get away from the chicken, er, plucker?

    4. Mpeler
      Coat

      Re: umm..Uncertain of the motivation....

      Did anyone suspect fowl play?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As a chicken keeper I can tell you...

    It must have thought there was food on the other side. It's a boring answer, but it's the only reason chickens ever seem to do anything.

    1. Mpeler
      Pint

      Re: As a chicken keeper I can tell you...

      Maybe someone was egging him on?

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    I thought this had been answered by Terry Prattchet

    Just read "Hollywood Chickens"

    Cogito ergo cluck

    1. mark 63 Silver badge

      Re: I thought this had been answered by Terry Prattchet

      Read that last week , coincidentally. When i saw the headline i thought the Reg had just discovered it!

  5. msknight

    What?!

    Had to slow down to a stop? Why didn't he just hit he plucker and put the confused feather brain out of its misery?

    1. Frankee Llonnygog

      Re: What?!

      Fact: when you run over a chicken, the noise sounds like the word 'escalope'.

      1. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: What?!

        I can't really remember the sound when I last hit a chicken, but the rear view was a 20 foot high tower of feathers which rapidly expanded to cover the entire road.

        One way of plucking 'em....

        1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

          Re: 20 foot high tower of feathers

          Years ago on holiday, on a remote country road, my Dad's car hit a chicken just as we passed a small cottage. Feathers everywhere, indeed, and an irate old country woman ranting "You've kilt ma chicken". It took a fresh £5 note (it was a while ago) to pacify her, but for ages afterward my Dad was convinced that she spent her days sitting behind the hedge with a bag of dead chickens, thowing them out in front of passing tourists...

          1. Stoneshop

            Re: 20 foot high tower of feathers

            Years ago on holiday, on a remote country road, my Dad's car hit a chicken just as we passed a small cottage

            Mate of mine hit a chicken with his sidecar rig. Presenting it to the farmer's wife, uttering apologies, she replied laconically "Oh, that's chicken soup tonight then."

    2. Pete 2 Silver badge

      Re: What?!

      I suppose it depends on the size of the bird. A largish one could do a lot of damage to your car if you hit it at speed. Though it would almost certainly go under the vehicle - unless it took flight at the last second and hit your windscreen.

      Though I do agree: anyone who puts their own life (and that of their passengers and other motorists) at risk by slowing / stopping on a motorway, simply to "save" some wildlife shouldn't be a driver.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What?!

        suppose it depends on the size of the bird. A largish one could do a lot of damage to your car if you hit it at speed. Though it would almost certainly go under the vehicle - unless it took flight at the last second and hit your windscreen.

        I had this happen about 30 years ago with a pigeon. The beast decided to land on the road just ahead of me so I had no chance to break. The stupid bird decided to take flight when my car was almost on top of it - and thus ended up minced in the engine compartment when it encountered the cooling fan on its way up (in those days they were still permanently driven by the fan belt). I cannot tell you what a mess it was under the hood, and to this day I don't know how the fan managed to stay intact.

        It took some serious jet cleaning and scrubbing to clear it - bird fluids and bits sure stick to hot surfaces...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What?!

          Try hitting one on a motorcycle, then... Not to be recommended.

          A mate copped one in the face. A full-face helmet visor was no match for said pigeon. Never mind cleaning the engine bay, a face full of pigeon guts is quite a mess.

          1. NumptyScrub
            Unhappy

            Re: What?!

            quote: "Try hitting one on a motorcycle, then... Not to be recommended."

            I ducked behind the touring screen, so just got spattered with bits rather than taking one to the head. Front of the bike also held up fine, but it did take some time to clean the bits off though, given they had plenty of time to dry up on the remainder of the journey :(

          2. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: What?!

            There are worse things than pigeons in the visor.

            Smaller birds don't get slowed down by the helmet body and a swarm of bees is a thing of terror (as is a single solitary wasp.)

          3. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: What?!

            Try hitting one on a motorcycle, then... Not to be recommended.

            You know, I can't say I've ever seen one on a motorcycle.

          4. sisk

            Re: What?!

            Try hitting one on a motorcycle, then... Not to be recommended.

            I don't know about pigeons, but I once saw a guy take a pheasant to the chest on a motorcycle. The bird won. It knocked him clean off the back of the bike and wandered off into some tall grass while he was testing how much protection leathers give against road rash (quite a bit, apparently, but not so much against bruises and broken arms).

            Somewhat humorously, the bike continued down the road for about a quarter mile before it realized it had lost its rider and laid down in the ditch to wait for him.

            1. msknight

              Re: What?!

              The trains don't always win - http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blthaw.htm

        2. Vinyl-Junkie

          Re: What?!

          I once hit a pigeon with 2 Class 37 locos and about 1500 tonnes of Freightliner train.

          The train won....

          1. Frankee Llonnygog

            Re: What?!

            Are you an anime character?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Just you wait and see

            Jake will do much better

            He will have hit a flock of birds in a stealth bomber, during his testing career at NASA

          3. Stoneshop
            Boffin

            Re: What?!

            I once hit a pigeon with 2 Class 37 locos

            I take it you hit it with the first one, with the other and the rest of the train just supplying the necessary momentum to offset the pigeon's impact.

      2. What? Me worry?

        Re: What?!

        "Though I do agree: anyone who puts their own life (and that of their passengers and other motorists) at risk by slowing / stopping on a motorway, simply to "save" some wildlife shouldn't be a driver."

        I suppose your policy position is okay for small fowl and poultry, but have you considered the ramifications of not stopping vis-à-vis moose?

        http://www.vti.se/sv/publikationer/pdf/algdocka-av-gummi-for-krockprov.pdf

      3. DanceMan

        Re: anyone who puts other motorists at risk by slowing

        Recent case in the news in Quebec of a woman who stopped on the highway for some ducks which resulted in the death of two following motorcyclists: she was convicted and sentenced and was just given leave to appeal.

        Precisely illustrates your point.

        1. Stoneshop

          Re: anyone who puts other motorists at risk by slowing

          which resulted in the death of two following motorcyclists

          That's not solely her fault (and I am a motorcyclist). Following too close so that you don't have time to react to a vehicle suddenly stopping, then brake or swerve to avoid collision is noone else's fault but the person who's following too close. Sure, on a motorway it's usually a steady flow of traffic in more or less the same direction, but anything can happen to disrupt that, and it behooves anyone (not just motorcyclists, BTW) to be aware of that.

          What, in any case, is the number of ducks you can safely mow down without stopping, and at what speed? Had one taken flight and hit the windscreen, chances are she would have slammed the brakes, with quite likely the same (or worse) outcome. What if it had been a goose or swan instead of a duck? The average driver would brake, doesn't matter if that's before or after hitting it. A deer? Moose? What if she'd had an engine failure? Or a truck slightly ahead suddenly blowing tyre shrapnel in the direction of her car? Just a number of reasons why not keeping distance can be rather unhealthy.

  6. jake Silver badge

    Ever kept chickens?

    They are pretty much brain-dead. One of our free-range yard-birds managed to sprint under my Kubota about a week or so ago. Sadly, none of the meat was usable.

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Ever kept chickens?

      Of course, it's brain-dead. I mean, it successfully committed suicide, ceased to exist, popped its clogs, kicked the bucket: dead, brain-dead!

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. jake Silver badge

        @ Arnaut the less (was:Re: Ever kept chickens?)

        The little tractor is a Kubota L3430.

        I don't do Kubotas in boats, I run Perkins.

  7. Anonymous IV
    Joke

    Philosophical question

    Why can't chickens just cross the road without having their motives questioned?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Philosophical question

      Because they look suspicious. To you, a chicken. To the police, a potential civil rights agitator.

      1. Evil Auditor Silver badge

        Re: Philosophical question

        Did they issue an ASBO?

        1. Intractable Potsherd

          Re: Philosophical question

          Anti-social Bird Order?

  8. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Why did Hemmingway's chicken cross the road?

    To die...

    Alone...

    In the rain...

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