back to article Tokyo to TXT warning of incoming Norks nukes

The Japanese government will launch a new service on Tuesday designed to notify users of the country’s three major phone networks if they are facing an imminent inbound missile strike. The new alert system will be co-ordinated by the Fire and Disaster Management Agency and is most likely a response to the threat of attack by …

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  1. naylorjs
    Thumb Up

    I predict the message will be....

    Incoming LOL

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: I predict the message will be....

      More probably: "Incoming Dong. Take cover"

  2. jake Silver badge

    In this particular case, why bother?

    If real (unlikely) it'll be too late to "shelter".

    More likely, emasculated saber-rattling, and laughable, so why wind-up the local population?

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: In this particular case, why bother?

      A social engineering campaign. Generate FUD among own population, distract attention from internal problems, divert dissent towards external enemy.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: In this particular case, why bother?

        Yep. Don't worry about the total failure of Abenomics, the collapsing population due to apartheid between the sexes, or the endless bungling at Fukushima, the real threat to Japan are those wobbly Nork missiles that barely reach their targets.

        Seriously, Japan and South Korea have the largest US military bases in East Asia and a very close security partnership with their imperial overlord. Although the Japanese government tried to say otherwise, there were already US nuclear missiles in Okinawa as early as the 1960s. The US currently has over 5000 nuclear bombs in its arsenal, ten of which would finish the DPRK in a single strike. The media tries to paint the Norks as commie crazies, but Kim-Jong is well aware of where things stand in East Asia, and that any attempted nuclear attack on Japan or South Korea would be suicidal.

        But never mind all that. The govt-controlled Japanese media is constantly playing up the DPRK "threat" and this "missile alert" nonsense is another part of the same campaign.

        As Vladimir says, this is FUD on the part of the Abe government, which wants to re-militarize the country and re-write the postwar Constitution to allow Japan to wage war again.

    2. toxicdragon

      Re: In this particular case, why bother?

      Always wondered about the point of a fallout shelter besides peace of mind, I was born in the late 80s so I missed the nuclear crises so maybe its just because of that I don't get it. And even if it would help who still has a fully stocked shelter today? I have seen some odd sets of stairs and odd coloured concrete slabs with those slots for removal in places around my universities campus which I have never seen people use, admittedly that's not proof of shelters but hidden in plain sight and all that. Surely they still wont be actively stocked?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sub heading....

    Needed an additional "Kiss your ass goodbye"..

  4. Ken Y-N
    Mushroom

    Given that Japan has had smileys for so long, there will be no need for text speak; I predict it will be either:

    INCOMING! *frowny face* *mushroom cloud* *pile of poo*

    Or the option for Shibes:

    So ronery. Much boom. Wow.

  5. Notas Badoff
    Joke

    My phone says....

    Sky: get to the basement.

    Water: get to the roof.

    Earth: get to the street.

    Of course, in some benighted lands it'd be

    Rocket: get to the roof to take pictures!

    Water: get 'board and hang ten.

    Quake: tweet!

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just Time

    For a quick game of missile command then.

  7. John Deeb

    Medium kills the radio act

    Isn't a system like that a giant security hole in itself? Just imagine the amount of fake messages one could spread. The medium can be more dangerous than the "event" it claims to warn for! Brings me back to the 90's where it was too easy to freak out admins with a LAN or NCP message like: "WARNING: server is going down". Great fun to see the admin running by to the server room just because I was bored for one minute. Lesson learned: nobody takes a closer look at the originating address when in panic mode. Worked with email at times too. Dangerous games at the national level.

  8. M Gale

    The Norks are insane.

    ...but they ain't stupid.

    Pretty sure Kim Jong Tinky Winky Jr knows that if he were to actually drop the bomb on someone, North Korea would get skullfucked in short order. The Chinese might have an excuse to get a bit miffed about people trying to do that right now, and are possibly quite happy to have NK there between them and SK. If Japan or the Southern state is a smouldering crater however, I can't imagine they'd have any excuse left.

    1. codejunky Silver badge

      Re: The Norks are insane.

      "Pretty sure Kim Jong Tinky Winky Jr knows that if he were to actually drop the bomb on someone, North Korea would get skullfucked in short order."

      Are you sure? S.K or Japan gets hit and they turn for assistance. The US wants to do something but obama is in charge so expect little (maybe a few drones). The EU would want to show off its world state superpower and spend a few days trying to decide what to do until they finally decide maybe some sanctions, but lets not upset them too much. N.K by this point realises nobody will do anything until the next US election or china/russia step in and russia is too busy looking for the advantage, china basks in the glow of the world turning to them for decisive action.

      All in all I doubt N.K will have any problem outside of the people they go to war with.

    2. MJI Silver badge

      Re: The Norks are insane.

      So he has a red handbag!

  9. deadlockvictim

    stampede

    I would not like to see this happen in practice. Tokyo is massive. The greater Tokyo area has a population of 30-ish million people. Tokyo is an efficient machine for getting millions in and out of the city centre every day. Shinjuku station alone has a throughput of a million Japanese, not to mention foreigners and other lesser people. It works well when people are calm.

    Introduce 10 million text messages politely asking people not to panic and to consider making their way to their nearest rural prefecture would be trigger a stampede. It would probably kill more people than the incoming rockets.

    That being said, if Nakano Takeshi were around with a film crew leaving various sharp and lethal weapons lying around, it could be the most exciting film production since 'Apocalypse Now'.

  10. defiler

    Kind of pointless

    Having seen the state of the mobile phone networks trying to carry SMS at new Year, I can only imagine 80% of the messages won't arrive until a good 4 hours after the apocalypse.

    To locate your nearest bomb shelter, text SHELTER to 61555. Messages will be changed at £5 plus your standard message rate.

  11. Graham Marsden
    Mushroom

    Presumably the email also triggers some kind of audio alert.

    I'd suggest the Star Trek Red Alert siren, but if someone uses that as their ringtone it could cause all sorts of panic...

  12. Simon B

    Just launch the missile on 31st dec at 23:59:50 and watchall chaos ensue as everyone is texting happy new year, at the same time this system is texing everyone teling them a missile is en route :D You might get the warning about 8am pmsl

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Mushroom

      Surely the Lunar New Year would be a better choice for that demographic?

      // DUCK-N-COVER!!!

  13. MJI Silver badge

    A note for latest KimJong

    Someone needs to tell him that if you sit on a nuclear bomb when it explodes you get superpowers.

    He will be able to fly, to glow and to do many other super being things.

    All he needs to do is sit on a nuke when it is detonated.

  14. LoPath

    Relay to Twitter?

    #INCOMING! #FLYING DONG #HEADS-UP! #GOODBYE

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re. nukes

    Instant sunshine incoming. Buy new Factor 4000 for only Y39,999.95.

  16. dotdavid
    Mushroom

    Haiku?

    Here comes a missile

    Those Norks are batshit insane

    Now duck and cover

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