Jokes of no more than 2 lines

This topic was created by Charles Calthrop .

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  1. Charles Calthrop
    Thumb Up

    Jokes of no more than 2 lines

    My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager.

    In my defence, I have Kompany, Vidic, Alves and Lahm

    Boom.

    NEXT

    1. Lachland Davis

      Re: Jokes of no more than 2 lines

      How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

      You look for the fresh prints.

    2. Crowey38

      Re: Jokes of no more than 2 lines

      Why are pirates called pirates

      Because they aarrrggghhh

  2. dogged

    I'm going to make a massive donation to an anti-rape charity and I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

  3. Statler

    Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

  4. dogged

    I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

  5. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    I looked at the price list in the butcher.

    Deer's expensive.

  6. dogged

    Apparently my sister is into bestiality. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

  7. Angry_Sup

    Two Blonds walk into a bar

    After the first one hit it, you would have thought the other would stop.

  8. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    A horse walks into a bar.

    The barman says, "why the long face?"

    1. magickmark
      Mushroom

      Knotty Problem

      A bit of rope walks in to a bar, the barman say "Are you a bit of rope? We don't serve rope here"

      The rope replys "No I'm afraid not"

      ((rim-shot)) don't forget to tip the waitress!

  9. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    A woman walks into a cocktail bar, and asks for a double-ententre.

    So the barman gives her one.

  10. jake Silver badge

    Entendre.

    Me mate went ice fishing, came home with 40 pounds of ice.

    His wife fried it up, and they both drowned ...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Entendre.

      Oops. Thanks for the spelling correction. Typos are bad...

      Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.

      The barman asks if she'd like a large one?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Doctor Doctor

    Doctor: Bad news, you have terminal cancer and Alzheimer's.

    Patient: At least I don't have cancer.

  12. This post has been deleted by its author

  13. Sir Barry

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of chaps saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Best told with an innocent expression

      Why do women wear make up and perfume?

      .

      .

      .

      .

      .

      Because they're ugly, and they smell.

      Usually gets a laugh. Sometimes gets stuff thrown at you...

  14. TeeCee Gold badge

    Sports apparel.

    If male rugby players wear jock straps, do female rugby players wear fan belts?

  15. Bob726

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?

    Right where you left him.

  16. annodomini2
    Coat

    What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

    A carrot

  17. jake Silver badge

    My last Boss in a nine-to-five ...

    ... locked his keys in the car.

    He had to call a locksmith to get his wife & kids out.

  18. Chevalier

    A wife finds out that after 20 years of sex in the dark, her husband has been using a toy on her the entire time.

    She yells at him, "Explain the toy?!" to which he replied "Explain the kids..."

  19. Colin Millar

    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick

    1. Great Bu

      What's brown and sticky?

      Tigger's mate.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's brown and sticky?

        My poster of beyonce

    2. Miek
      Coat

      Re: What's brown and sticky?

      Masking tape

  20. Colin Millar

    Bedroom rodeo - the rules

    Call out the name of your partner's sister during sex and see how long you can stay on.

  21. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    The old ones are the best ones...

    What's big, red and lies on its side?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    A dead bus.

  22. Colin Millar

    A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression,

    The bad news is that when you stop licking the frog gets depressed again.

  23. Chevalier

    What did the elephant say to the naked man?

    How do you breathe through that thing?

  24. Anonymous John

    I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on a indigestion tablet. It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...

  25. GitMeMyShootinIrons

    How many ears does Spock have?

    Three - a left ear, a right ear and a Final Front Ear...

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: How many ears does Spock have?

      How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

      Three: His left ear, his right ear & his wild front ear.

      (Yes, I know, I'm showing my age. Deal with it ...)

  26. ravenviz Silver badge
    Coat

    What's red and sits in a tree?

    A sanitary owl.

  27. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    There's always Lightbulbs.....

    How many Quantum Physicists does it take to change a Lightbulb?

    One. One to change it and one to normalise the wave function.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

      How many American Cocker Spaniels does it take to change a lightbulb?

      No need. American Cockers will happily pee on the carpet in the dark.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

      How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Only one, but the bulb must really want to change.

      1. Miek
        Coat

        Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

        How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

        1. Pedigree-Pete
          Happy

          Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

          Can't believe this community missed this old classic.

          How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

          None, they just re-define darkness as a new industry standard. Boom.

  28. Chevalier

    A woman goes to the doctor and he tells her he has bad news and worse news. She asked, "Well what's the bad news?" to which he said "You've only got 24 hours to live".

    She replied "My God! What's the worse news?!" and he says "Yeah.. I forgot to call you yesterday..."

  29. ravenviz Silver badge
    Coat

    What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

    A snooker table.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

      How do you make a snooker table laugh?

      .

      .

      .

      .

      You put your hand in its pockets, and tickle its balls.

  30. jake Silver badge

    How do you make a Kleenex dance?

    Blow it a little boogie.

  31. Chevalier

    What's a ghost's favourite lunch meat?

    Boologna

  32. Colin Millar

    Man "So how long have I got then?" Doctor "about ten"

    Man "Ten what? Years? months? days?" Doctor " Nine, eight, seven......."

  33. Anonymous John

    "Vegan" comes from an old Native American word meaning poor hunter.

  34. Simon Millard
    Coat

    Festive

    Doctor, Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck in my bum.

    No worry's, I've got some cream for that.

  35. Chevalier

    A man goes to the doctor and finds out he's going to die soon. He acts the doctor, "How long do I have to live?"

    The doctor says "Ten..." and the man asks, confused "Ten what? Days? Months?" The doctor replies "Nine... eight..."

  36. Harvey Trowell
    Coat

    Hear the one about the magic tractor?

    It went down a lane and turned into a field.

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