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back to article Gulf spill to annihilate all earthlings, says seer

Within the next six months, according to at least one man, the world may come to an end. And he blames the Brits. "Ominous reports are leaking past the BP Gulf salvage operation news blackout that the disaster unfolding in the Gulf of Mexico may be about to reach biblical proportions," writes prolific poster Terrence Aym for …

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  1. Nexox Enigma

    Ahhh, the Internet...

    ...will it ever run out of whackos?

    This is one of those cases (Like the time cube) where I wonder whether the writer believes what they're writing, or they're just having a bit of fun.

    As for the abnormally high natrual gas (methane) presence in the well fluid: All oil wells contain some gas, it's normally sealed off in the cementing phase. If it isn't sealed off, it tends to overwhelm the oil production, since the gas is much lower viscosity and density, it produces preferentially. Given that there's a good chance that the cementing in the well didn't go as planned (If it had, nothing would be leaking,) there's a good possibility that the gas zone wasn't sealed off.

    Now how a 20 mile bubble results from a well that was only 5 miles deep... That's a true mystery to me. And how exactly does escaping fluid cause the sea bed to rise? The pressure driving the fluid out has been there for millenia, and now that it's got an outlet, it'll be lowering (slightly.)

    I personally will skip the bunker.

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    1. Graham Marsden
      Reply Icon
      Alert

      Will it ever run out of whackos?

      Not whilst they can't even do some basic searches to discover that British Petroleum merged with America's Amoco (formerly Standard Oil) back in 1998.

      Or that the biggest shareholder (and thus, technial owner) of BP is the American JP Morgan Chase with 28.34% of the shares.

      Or that the that exploded was owned and operated by an American firm, Transocean and that only about 8 people on there were BP employees and BP only had a 65% share in the well.

      Or that the failed 'blow out preventer' was made by another American firm - Cameron.

      Nope, it's all the fault of the Brits...!

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      1. Oliver Mayes
        Reply Icon

        Woah there

        This is no place for reasoned, informed debate. This is the internet, kindly leave your facts at the door and allow the nutjobs to say their piece.

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      2. peyton?
        Reply Icon
        Grenade

        re: ever run out of whackos?

        Now, now - BP CEO Tony Hayward has appeared on American TV *with* his 'foreign' accent in tow. And as we all know, brief sound clips are all the information one needs for informed decision making. Just ask any politician.

        Now begone! And take your facts and figures with you!

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    2. g e
      Reply Icon

      20 mile bubble?

      Could it be under 4 times the pressure within the well? (Or 16 times if pressure's a square relationship)

      Hangon, 64 times if it's cuboid (volumetric).

      Maybe they're just holding the well the wrong way...

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  2. Ivan Headache

    He can't be a good scientist (?)

    because he doesn't know what epicentre means.

    (Nor do many journos as it happens)

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    1. mmiied
      Reply Icon
      Happy

      Epicenter

      is it the center of a epic scale blast?

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      1. Anonymous Coward
        Reply Icon
        Anonymous Coward

        No, no,

        I think it's where the Raptors play ball. Epicenter is just the new name, it used to be called the Staples Center and before that Verizon Arena. Gee, it's like you don't watch hoops. lol. Now then, what were you saying about this new team, something Horizon you call it?

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  3. jake Silver badge

    That has GOT to be ...

    That has GOT to be the worst bit of scare-mongering junk science that I've ever read, after Scientology's so-called "secrets". It'd be laughable, but I'm afraid millions of under-educated people are going to buy into it.

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  4. Harvey Trowell
    Flame

    Nothing we can do about it?

    I disagree. Surely if we know a methane bubble is coming we can set it alight with a Zippo? I saw something similar at school once. The underwater element is new though, and should be researched. Quick, everyone, to the bathtubs...

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    1. alwarming
      Reply Icon

      Re:Nothing we can do about it?

      ... *_IF_* there was such a bubble underwater - how will you zippo it ? You'll need an O2 bubble - double the size of methane bubble - under water for oxidation.

      CH4 + 2*O2 = CO2 + 2*H2O.

      However fart bubbles come pre-mixed with O2 and hence lighting farts can burn under water & may cause burns where the sun don't shine :-)

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  5. 7mark7

    It's not funny.

    It only needs science to be re-imagined for it to be true, and only then if Mr. Aym mis-spoke.

    Where do I send my money to prevent this?

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    1. Mr Grumblefish
      Reply Icon

      Michael Bay can do that for you

      Oh God, he's working on it as we speak. Armageddon 2 anyone?

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      1. nichomach
        Reply Icon

        All together now...

        "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

        Watch you smile while you are sleeping

        Far away and dreaming

        I could spend my life in this sweet surrender

        I could stay lost in this moment forever

        Well, every moment spent with you

        Is a moment I treasure

        I don't wanna close my eyes

        I don't wanna fall asleep

        'Cause I'd miss you, babe

        And I don't wanna miss a thing

        'Cause even when I dream of you

        The sweetest dream will never do

        I'd still miss you, babe

        And I don't wanna miss a thing..."

        *cue giant exploding fart noise*

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      2. Mr Grumblefish
        Reply Icon

        On second thought

        he's probably rejected the scenario as too understated.

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Time for a vacation then...

    Well if he's right, I should max out all my credit cards on cash withdrawels and go on a tour of the world before it becomes a desolate wasteland. Maybe I'll even try sky diving, gotta get my jollies in before Christmas after all. Awww heck let's just go crazy and try all the brothels in Europe and Asia while I'm at it, making stops in the Netherlands, Afghanistan and Columbia to get completely baked.

    Of course, if he's wrong, I'll probably be dead by the time Christmas rolls around anyway.

    Cheers!

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  7. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Got a light.

    Although you might conclude that the British have concocted a conspiracy to spread combustible fluids over the entire surface of the planet in order to incinerate all life.

    You can hardly hold us responsible for fire.

    We plead the Fifth Amendment on phosphorous and its inextricable use with regard to fire generation on demand.

    Mines the one without the box of swan in the pocket.

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  8. Stroppy

    Will the Internet (2)....

    ... ever run out of people who report whackos as "Scientists" or people who will believe anything!!

    http://dvice.com/archives/2010/07/bp-oil-leak-cou.php

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    1. Eddy Ito
      Reply Icon
      Unhappy

      That's the reason.

      This is one of those reasons it is so hard to get people to believe real things. Reading articles like that one starting with "Scientists say" just makes people think that scientists are whacked out nut jobs with nothing better to do than make shit up. It doesn't help when the real science types make an honest mistake and get something wrong as the common man just uses that as further proof that scientists are out of touch with reality.

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    15 minutes only

    This kind of crap should really only work once per nutjob. Having laid out your lavishly painted armageddon scenario and watched with horror as H-hour crawled past with nothing more biblical than a couple of Jehovahs witnesses knocking on the door, the only decent thing to do would be to crawl away in abject humiliation to your log cabin/home made nuke shelter, nail the door shut and unplug yourself from the world before sitting down ask a few very, very searching questions about where exactly it all went wrong, and whether tax accounting might after all have been a better career choice than crackpot visionary seer.

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    1. Blofeld's Cat
      Reply Icon

      Half Cooked?

      I am reminded of the Peter Cook / Dudley Moore sketch

      "Now is the End of the World"

      (pause)

      "It was GMT wasn't it?"

      (pause)

      "Oh well same time tomorrow lads."

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    2. lglethal Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Joke

      Nahhh!

      He'll just claim that is actions involving a litre of holy water, a length of rubber hose, a tutu and a koala named Trixy have postponed the inevitable firey, methaney apocalypse until a later date...

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  10. heyrick Silver badge

    Weren't there supposed to be four horsemen?

    Or was "Good Omens" lying to me?

    And anyway, how can a gash in the sea bed be a horseman? It doesn't have legs. It probably isn't even equine shaped.

    Of course, if a ghostly horse and rider tear out of that and up through the sea. Well, that'd be worth buying a 3D television for, don'tcha think?

    Yippee-yai-yay...

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    1. nichomach
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Four horsemen, perhaps, but eight bikers...

      "Pigbog wished he'd paid more attention to the Book of Revelations. If he'd known he was going to be in it, he'd have read it more carefully.

      Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield.

      And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them."

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    2. TheRobster
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Actually, yes

      Good Omens was lying to you. Go and read "Thief Of Time" and you'll find out there are actually five.

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  11. Anonymous John

    title

    "would be the appearance of large fissures or rifts splitting open the ocean floor, a rise in the elevation of the seabed, and the massive venting of methane and other gases into the surrounding water.""

    And in the afternoon, it will be cloudy with scattered showers.

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  12. Winkypop Silver badge
    Pirate

    We're all gunna die !!!!!

    ...eventually.

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  13. strangefish

    So

    those silly bible chaps translated the names wrong. It wasn't War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death at all it was actually Gash, Bubbles, Stinky and Oops!

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    1. Jon Whiteoak
      Reply Icon
      Unhappy

      Gash, Bubbles, Stinky and Oops!

      My God, the four TeleTubbies of the Apocalypse!

      Run for your lives!

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      1. g e
        Reply Icon

        Over the hills and far away

        the Apocalypsies come to play

        0 1
      2. CD001
        Reply Icon

        I really hope

        ... no-one ever names a kids TV character "Gash" - it would probably be a clam with a beard.

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      3. Pyromancer
        Reply Icon
        Happy

        Someone needs to make a video of that - with lolcats in!

        Video! The Internetz demands video!

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  14. Anonymous Coward
    Terminator

    You forgot Judgement Day

    What with all the reporting of UAVs how did The Reg manage to forget Judgement Day?

    April 21, 2011 according to Cameron.....

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  15. Juan Inamillion
    Thumb Up

    @Anonymous John

    HAHAHAHA!

    Perfick!

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  16. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    What's amanfrommars' view?

    Presumably amanfrommars escaped that doomed planet before it was too late, so until he gives his view, there's nothing to worry about. Or Should i Say Theirs Nothing Too Worry About. UnLess He Breathes Methane In Which Case Cheers.

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  17. Chris 35
    Boffin

    @heyrick

    Classic Pratchett.

    There were 4 in Good Omens (Death, War, Famine and Pollution - Pestilence had wandered off somewhere in 1936 muttering something about penicillin). However, if you read Thief of Time, you'll find that there was originally five - Kaos (now rebranded Chaos).

    In the post though, it is mentioned that the fourth is apparently on holiday at the mo.

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    1. Will Shaw
      Reply Icon

      too right...

      But don't forget War's sons, Terror, Panic.

      And of course his wife and daughter, Mrs War and Clancy.

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  18. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Grenade

    Earth-shattering kaboom!

    Where is the earth-shattering kaboom? I wanted an earth-shattering kaboom!

    Hmm. We don't have a Marvin the Martian icon. Damn.

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  19. George Nacht
    FAIL

    What irritates me most...

    ...is that the only outcome of these insane pseudo-prophets/attention whores will be that the people will actually stop caring about the spill in the Gulf - which in and of itself is a major fuckup, causing damages, grief and despair, worthy a serious punishment on whoever is responsible.

    Yes, the thinking is very familiar to me "Hey, this can´t be that bad, look what kind of nutcases write about it..." BP should actually write a check to Mr.Aym for helping them to calm the masses... Or should I say "pouring oil on the raging waters"?....errrrm.....

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    1. phoenix
      Reply Icon
      Flame

      dito

      Though I do hope all the merkins that are up-in-arms about the spill care to remember when they next fill up their 4 litre cars at the "gas" station that if they used less oil then maybe rigs would not be needing to drill there in the first place. Just like mobile phone users who complain of the positioning of cell masts.

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  20. Penguin
    Flame

    It had to be us ....

    If anyone had to bring about the end of the world then I'm glad it's us.

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  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't believe in the Bible

    which, I think you'll find, grants me immunity from all Biblical disasters

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  22. greensun

    A proposal

    If I give this nutter EUR 10,000, will he promise to give me back EUR 1,000,000 in two years time if we are still here ?

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    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov
      Reply Icon

      Credit risk

      Are you going to trust him if he'll say he will?

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  23. Andrew Halliwell
    FAIL

    RE: It had to be us ....

    But it's NOT us.

    BP is about as british as Madonna these days.

    0 1
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Coat

      Re: British as Madonna

      I don't know about that... Thanks to that Guy... (Ritchie?), she's at least had some British in her.

      Hey - stop pushing! ... OK... a little to the left, thanks...

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  24. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    So...

    If I understand this correctly, BP will save the universe from the rip in the fabric of time caused by the LHC reaching full power.

    This suggests:

    a) BP will save the universe

    b) the planet Earth will be wiped out when the universe is saved

    c) BP are likely good aliens

    d) Obama and Helium (and anyone else trying to stop BP) are obviously bad aliens

    Where's my tinfoil hat icon?

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    1. Pirate Dave Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Pirate

      yes

      rather depressing, really. I was rather looking forward to that .0002 seconds between when we realize the earth is being consumed by a blackhole caused by LHC, and when the blackhole brings final darkness to us all. At least with the LHC blackhole we would all die because we had unleashed one of the most powerful forces in the universe (cool), not because we made a pin-prick in the earth and it farted on us (lame).

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  25. Nigel 11
    Black Helicopters

    Other explanations

    Aym works for Exxon

    Aym went short BP stock at 330p

    Aym knows the truth about CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN

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    1. Murphy's Lawyer
      Reply Icon
      Jobs Horns

      BLUE HADES want a word with you...

      ...and I don't think it's pronouncable in any language known to humankind.

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