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back to article Pilots plot air raid on Jacqui over ID cards

Pilots organisation Balpa is considering legal action against the Home Office for forcing its members to carry ID cards. As part of Wacky Jacqui's ID card trial airside workers and pilots at Manchester and City of London airports will have to carry the cards in order to get airside. A spokesman for Balpa (the British Airline …

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  1. Dennis
    Flame

    Pilots refuse to carry ID Cards

    I bet they won't get as much shit from Immigration Police at the airport that normal Joe Public will. Bunched of fucked up little Hitler's. If I have to listen to another one of those little fuckers going on about 'doing their job'

    We're highly trained at spotting Terrorists

    Yeah when was the last time you caught any terrorists. You can't even tell who has just flow in from Cancun last week.

    Could you tell us the purpose of your visit to your mother?

    To stock up on clean socks what do you think you little prick.

    Is that a Baby's milk there? Open it and taste it.

    Why? Because I said so and I'm the little prick in charge.

    opps sorry I've digressed abit.

    Yeah those ID Cards. Booo, Hisss

    Can I have an Icon for a irrelevant rant!

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  2. Christoph

    Why are these tests not properly implemented?

    We have all these different security measures at different places - ID cards, urine tests for drugs, fingerprinting, lie detectors - at low security sites. Why are they not implemented at the most critical sites, such as the Palace of Westminster?

    Surely for security all MPs will be delighted to be subjected to every single one without exception of the security measures they impose on other people.

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  3. Tony
    Stop

    Policy makers...

    I suppose Politicians & Civil Servants already have these ID cards, yes?

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @Christoph

    Good point...

    Can Elreg get a FOI request to Westminster to find out how many Expense Fiddlers, sorry, MP's have an official UK Gov issued ID card (not a work / westminster access one).

    go on Reg, you know you want to...

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I know what you did last summer

    I am citizen 7264354846, pilot 29457578, authorised to enter Airport 18367464, treated in hospital as patient 304955678, with car insurance 5069274, with supermarket club card 6079783, internet broadband customer 444648945

    If I buy a lot of alcohol for a party on club card 6079783, it does not cause my boss to think I'm a drunk and unfit to be pilot 29457578. If my car is CCTV'd near an 'incident' (5069274 cross linked to address cross linked to citizen ID 7264354846) it will not affect my security clearance for the airport. Nobody can analyse my club card purchase list to see if I buy Halal or Kosher food, and so it will not affect my security clearance as a potential subversive. The car insurance company doesn't know if I fly long haul and so cannot bump up my insurance as potentially tired. The hospital doesn't know if I buy sweet things at the supermarket, despite my doctor saying no sweet things.

    I am citizen 555333222, pilot 555333222, authorised to enter Airport 555333222, treated in hospital as patient 555333222, with car insurance 555333222, with supermarket club card 555333222 broadband customer 555333222.

    I dare not even search for information on 'dementia' in case some Jacqui Stasi goon in GCHQ thinks that *I* have dementia and a risk as a pilot. I avoid Halal meals because it might affect my security rating. I get my wife to buy alcohol because I don't want it affecting my insurance. I wait till I'm far abroad before going to see a doctor about any illness, that might affect my pilot's license, security clearance, car insurance. I check the news about anti-government protests, because I don't to be pulled in on a police trawl which would destroy my career. I am very careful who I call, where I surf, who I email, ... I am afraid of what data mining equations may label me as. I am afraid.

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  6. Tim

    @ christoph

    eh? ok, the ID cards n the fingerprinting would be alright, but the drugs test kit would be flooded with booze n coke alarms, and as for putting lie detectors in there , that would be buzzing so loud people would complain in Birmingham.

    Tim#3

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  7. Jack the Ripper
    Thumb Up

    Re: Why are these tests not properly implemented?

    Brilliant! Perhaps also for the Welsh Assembly and Scottish Parliament. Thay way, they will spend so much time being id'd, drug-tested and failing lie-detector tests (have you ever known a politician to tell the truth?) that they won't have time to drag the country down from the cesspit that it's already in.

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  8. Ian

    @ Christoph

    Well it's obvious, they're doing this for us remember? They're willing to sacrifice their security so we can gain the benefits first!

    Well, that's what they'll tell you anyway.

    Any new law should only ever be allowed to be passed if it fills the criteria that MPs would also allow it to effect them equally and hence agree to the counter that effects them also. Here's some examples:

    Proposed law: The government should be able to monitor every citizen's e-mails, texts and phones

    Check of validity: The government should allow citizens to monitor all MPs e-mails, texts and phone calls.

    Proposed law: All citizens should have their data stored on a government held DNA database

    Check of validity: All MPs should have their data stored on a publicly accessible DNA database

    Proposed law: The government should be able to define what citizens can and can't do in the bedroom in private

    Check of validity: Citizens should be able to define what MPs can and can't do in the bedroom in private

    You see how that works? It's called fairness. Any MP that can't accept the counter should also not vote for the former. Any MP that votes for the former but wont accept the counter should be removed from office due to the fact it means they are unable to do their job objectively.

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  9. Dave Bell

    Not just the regulars

    Any airline which flies into those airports is going to have problems over crew who don't have an ID Card. If you need to find a pilot at short notice... Maybe a pilot with food poisoning?

    Isn't a modern passport enough?

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  10. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Air Raid?

    I saw the title and thought they were going to bomb the houses of parliament from their planes or something.

    Oh the disappointment.

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  11. Piers
    Thumb Up

    [+1] Why are these tests not properly implemented?

    Quite!

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  12. Winkypop Silver badge
    Alert

    We don't need no steeeking ID cards

    I sense a disturbance in the (Labor) Force.

    These wanna-be's are well on the way out!

    Yipeeeee

    Trouble is, the other lot are pants as well.

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  13. RPF

    @Dennis

    Unbelievably,

    The crews DO get treated pretty much the same way (although not from Immigration, but "Security") because the security staff love being able to order around pilots/cabin crew and force them to take shoes off/empty bags out and mess them around. Also crews have to do it far more often than passengers, don't forget. Fancy going through such pain every day you go to work?

    Good for BALPA, I say.

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  14. MnM

    Re: I know what you did last summer

    Ryanair, right?

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  15. Juan Inamillion
    Black Helicopters

    I don't get it

    To be a pilot you have to learn how to do sums and stuff, take very hard tests and learn how to make vehicles that essentially want to stay on the ground, fly in the air.

    When you get through all that the authorities give you a special licence with nice picture of you on it and this licence has to be updated from time to time. To go to foreign climes you also need a passport.

    So, if you know how to fly (and I think it would be obvious if you couldn't...), you have a photo licence AND a passport, WTF do need an ID card for?

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  16. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    @Winkpop: Bullseye

    . . . and that's the elephant in the room! There are no viable alternatives waiting in the wings. So Democracy finally boils down to 'a change is as good as a rest'. Or moving from one ass cheek to the other on a hard wooden bench because there is no cushion available.

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  17. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    @Dennis

    Of topic, but here it comes:

    <rant>

    It's even worse in Heathrow T5 (which let's be fair is the worst terminal ever built ever in the whole wide world). When you go through security, the Stasi run these new auto-tray return machines. Now, of all things that I would have spent lots of money to automate in a terminal, tray return on the security machines would have been last on a very long list. Anyway, anyone who has been through T5 knows that these machines just don't work. Worse still, the Stasi keep telling you off when you try and use the machines in a reasonable way. The classic is when your tray comes out of the machine it stops behind a backlog of other trays. So you try and get your stuff out the tray and one of the other trays goes through the auto-return mechanism (usually after intervention from the Stasi), then your tray moves along the conveyor and you hop after it with half a shoe on. Or, you just take the tray off the conveyor to take out your belongings in which case the Stasi tell you off for taking the tray off the conveyor.

    There are plenty of other screwed up aspects to T5. How about making one of the biggest terminals in the world with NO MOVING WALKWAYS. Who would do that? I suffer leg pain when I walk a long way on hard surfaces thanks to an old war wound: T5 is an absolute nightmare for me. How about the fact that there is a door next to security into the lounges which you aren't allowed to use. Instead you have to walk a billion miles past all the shops and up and down various escalators to get to the lounge.

    Then they are going to throw ID cards at you. We need an uprising against this, we really do. The lunatics are running the asylum here.

    </rant>

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  18. Luther Blissett

    I know what you're going to do next summer

    I have a feeling Blighty is going to seem very crowded. Perhaps the spooks are trying to make people hang out in groups around lampposts. Already the weather propaganda apparatus has been in full swing, and yes, it is going to be a long hot summer...

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  19. kain preacher

    International pilots

    Are they going to need the card ??

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  20. WonkoTheSane
    Coat

    Yes, Minister!

    It doesn't matter if the Red Tories or Blue Labour or even polka-dotted Liberals are "in charge".

    All the decisions are being made by the SAME BUNCH OF UNELECTED CIVIL SERVANTS!

    Yes Minister & Yes Prime Minister were NOT sitcoms! They were DOCU-DRAMAS!

    Mine's the one with a Guy Fawkes mask in the pocket.

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  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Wonko

    Every Labour government we have ever had has let the Civil Service run the country. Years ago the defence was that they hadn't had enough experience of government, however they now have plenty of experience, but it still happens. The arrangement seems to be that the cabinet let the civil service and the police (well actually the met) dictate policy in return for being allowed to implement their own ridiculous, but largely pointless policies.

    The tories have always seemed to control the arrangement the other way. This could however have now changed since the days when all senior civil servants seemed to be tories, these days many of them seem to be Blairites. Since Blairite is largely another name for Tory I suspect that should the Tories win the next election these civil servants will be turncoats.

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  22. Ken Hagan Gold badge

    A long hot summer?

    I have visions of pilots striking this summer (holiday time, natch) and the government holding out on a point of principle, and the UK meeting its climate change targets after all because every foreign airline on the planet re-routes away from UK airports and every UK one folds. Mmm, nice. Thanks, Jacky.

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  23. Christoph

    @RPF

    Yes, it's so very important for security to make sure that the bloke who is working the controls doesn't have a bomb in his shoe, and so can't endanger the aircraft. He might be able to fly it straight into the ground, but he can't do anything nasty like blowing it up.

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  24. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    re: Yes, Minister!

    I watch a few episodes on DVD the other night.

    Its scary how many of Sir Humphrey's schemes are in place or on the parliamentary time-table!

    It might be the civil service's fault. Or it might be that both major parties have stopped having any principles or beliefs and have their policies based on the same opinion pollsters results.

    Paris for PM: she may get it wrong, but at least it would be different!

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  25. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects
    Paris Hilton

    CSCS cards

    You think that's funny?

    Building workers have had to take silly tests in order to show they know how to use a ladder* and then pay for their pass cards and have been asked involuntarily or else you don't get a job for a few years now.

    And with the work climate hitting that particular industry firstest and hardest you can see the pointed side to all this. As it involves self employed people (the section of the construction industry least likely to club together to complain) it went through force majeure.

    So now we have self employed unemployed forking out most of a week's dole for the annual card subscription just in case.

    Barstuds.

    Something almost identical happened to my dad, a sailor in the depression of the 1930's. Join the union or you won't get a job. And so he parted with a fiver -in those days a fair wad. And still no ship.

    Same bloody party too. Ostensibly.

    *Still with me?

    When you get to the top, STOP!

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  26. John Smith Gold badge
    Thumb Up

    BALPA is not the usual trade union

    Its the one Norman Tebbit was head of before taking up his various posts in the Thatcher governments. And having the IRA try to blow him up.

    This is one of those notions that sound necessary for about 3 seconds. For anyone who thinks about it for longer they think it's complete nonsense.

    Remember under her Wackine'ses original plan we would all be queing up these at the nationwide snoop offices set up for it (now whichever retail chain wins the contract for this project. Now will that be the full ID check queue or is that 6 items of ID or less?)

    But remember its not just the card, its Wackie's *other* uberdatabase, the NIR that needs to be put down like the rabid dog it is.

    Let's hope they can tie this up in the courts for a while. hence the thumbs up.

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  27. Moss Icely Spaceport
    Thumb Up

    Sub contract

    Sack all the pilots who won't use the ID cards.

    Import pilots from the 3rd world.

    (Pay them less too)

    Wallah!

    We have ID card compliance!

    What's a few fatal air crashes compared to having ID card compliance?

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  28. John Smith Gold badge
    Joke

    The new lads from lagos

    Are the replacement airline pilots

    All your takeoff slots belong to us.

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