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back to article Hitler ordered Luftwaffe to spare Blackpool

The reason Hitler didn't do the decent thing and order his Luftwaffe to reduce Blackpool to smouldering rubble has now been revealed: The Fuhrer wanted the resort as his "personal playground", as the Daily Mail puts it. Adolf's chilling plan to watch triumphant troops goosestep down the Golden Mile before hoisting a swastika …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    I can see the souvenirs now...

    "Kiss me qvick - or I vil have you shot!"

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  2. Andrew
    Coat

    Everybody loves Blackpool

    It wasn't just Hitler, Soviet Russia intended to invade via Blackpool as well. It turns out the Golden Mile is just what's needed for a sea-bourne assault and all those B&B would be ideal for garrisoning the invading soldiers.

    Frankly I think they're all welcome to it.

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  3. fifi
    Paris Hilton

    paris?

    so Hitler wanted to destroy the Parisien bridges, but spare Blackpool? He was way more unhinged than we thought!

    Paris, cos if he'd destroyed her, he might have redeemed himself somewhat.

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    The end of his last supporters

    Well this will be the final blow to all those out there who were in two minds about Hitler - good/evil.

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Bah

    Blackpool is probably the one place in this country I could quite happily see bombed.

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Egad !

    Adolf was one of the knotted hanky types who wanted "kiss me quick" hats and shorts with plastic buttocks on the back ?

    Thank god we won.

    How long before some yank claims national credit for saving us from this fate? ;o)

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  7. Pete James
    Paris Hilton

    Schwarzelache

    So, these plans. Will they be serialised in The Times like Hitler's Diaries?

    Paris, I bet she'd like a donkey ride.

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  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Golden Mile

    The reason it's called the Golden Mile is because it's streaming with piss!

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  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Blimey!

    I can only assume this was at a time before they started pumping raw sewage into the sea, and started building row-upon-row or oh so delightful trinket shops? I can how it could work though - the place is like a concentration camp anyway.

    And to all those people from Blackpool who are going to complain - It's a dump. Accept it.

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  10. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    If only they'd flattened it

    ....as the home of the All Day English Breakfast that has spread like a virus across continents, I feel we must blame someone!

    Mine's the goose-stepping jacket with inbuilt bratwurst holder!

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  11. Maverick
    Thumb Down

    @ AC13:54

    "Blackpool is probably the one place in this country I could quite happily see bombed"

    erm, Cardiff?

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  12. Damn Yank

    @Mark_T

    Sorry, we had nothing to do with that one...

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  13. Andrew Moore

    It's possible-

    I seem to remember reading somewhere that Mr H was a fan of the English seaside saucy postcards.

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  14. James

    Nope ....

    ... it's not 1st April...

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  15. alain williams Silver badge

    Brighton - surely

    I cannot believe that Monty Python got it wrong when they had Hitler retired in Brighton and not Blackpool.

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  16. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    @Mark_T

    Of course not. Everyone knows it was the Soviets who really won the war. (G,R&D)

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  17. Jesthar

    @Maverick

    Cardiff has some way to go before it plumbs the same depths as Slough...

    Or Wolverhampton. Jumped up dump of a town pretentiously calling itself a City when it doesn't even have a cathedral! OK, so the church where the Wolves started out is nice enough, but a cathedral it isn't...

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  18. Pinkerton
    Coat

    Daily Mail

    Anyone else notice how the Daily Mail paints Hitler as almost eccentric and cuddly?

    While I'm here:

    Q: Does anyone know how to confuse a Daily Mail reader?

    A: Tell them immigrants kill paedophiles!

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  19. Robert Synnott

    The horrible consequence

    Coming soon to the West End - "Summertime for Hitler"

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  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Damn Yank

    Yeah right. The way these Brits go on it sounds like they won the war. Dunkirk spirit, you can keep it.

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  21. Simon Williams

    Seaside/Seig Heil... masterful

    What an excellent strap line. Well done Lester.

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  22. Yorkshirepudding
    Alert

    @ AC13:54

    "Blackpool is probably the one place in this country I could quite happily see bombed"

    id see anywhere below Watford happily slide into the sea :-) luckily thanks to the rebound after the last ice age its happening mwuahahhaaa

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  23. Tony Hoyle

    @Pinkeron

    "Q: Does anyone know how to confuse a Daily Mail reader?

    A: Tell them immigrants kill paedophiles!"

    Coming over here, taking our jobs...

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  24. Ian Halstead
    Go

    Mammoth Playmobil opportunity?

    Go on - let the imagination run amok.

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  25. dan russell
    Dead Vulture

    That Hitler eh!

    Must be top ten in Daily Mail favourite headline words.

    In all seriousness, Lest we forget...

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  26. Maverick
    Go

    @ Jesthar

    OK, I'll see your Wolverhampton and raise you a Norwich

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  27. Smallbrainfield
    Go

    Apparently he wanted Rochdale town hall...

    ...taken apart and shipped back to Germany. as well. He was a closet pie-eater basically.

    Blackpool isn't irredeemably shit, it just attracts a lot of people who think they can behave like arseholes just because it's Blackpool. You could say that about anywhere where they allow lots of British people to get horribly drunk.

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  28. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Seaside for Hitler, and Germany

    If Goebbels had opened up a greasy spoon on the promenade, he'd have called it

    "The Master Taste"

    (Coat, hat, leaving.)

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  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Seaside landladies

    Are you sure they would have fought on our side?

    No noise, no coming back late, regulation breakfasts, no running baths outside of hours - sounds like a bunch of fascistic fifth columnists to me.

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  30. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Hi-de-heil!

    Sorry.

    Mine's the long leather one.

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  31. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Hitler gets blamed for a lot of things...

    Almost all of them justified, But I never knew that blackpool being such a sh!thole was one of them.

    Maybe mulitple 1000lb, air dropped regeneration projects are needed there now more than ever.

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  32. Ron Eve
    Joke

    Oh who do you think you're kidding Mr Hilter...

    Obviously the cnut never went there.

    But I started thinking, there's that whole range of Hitler spoofs on YouTube like this one:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXnt8_okeRA

    Maybe someone could create a new one with Blackpool as the theme....

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  33. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    B&B in Blackpool

    Having been on holiday there once, I think Hitler would have been entirely at home in Blackpool. Very good idea of his to settle there, though he may have found the views of some of the B&B proprietors a bit extreme

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  34. GrahamT
    Boffin

    @Daily Mail

    It is not surprising that the Mail paints Hitler as "almost eccentric and cuddly"; they supported Hitler right up until the 1938 invasion of Prague by the Nazis. Rothermire (the owner) expressing the hope that 'Adolf the Great' would become a popular figure in Britain, (from Wikipedia) and wrote an article entitled: "Hurrah for the Blackshirts," in January, 1934.

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  35. Vlad The Impugner

    Daily Mail

    He was just a big softy really. Misunderstood. Unfair persecution of a probably daily mail reader by the nasty guardianistas.

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  36. Funky Dennis
    Happy

    Steven says

    "In the seaside town

    ...that they forgot to bomb

    Come, Come, Come - nuclear bomb"

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  37. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse
    Thumb Up

    Oh we do like to be beside the Sieg Heil!

    Love it. Can I come and work with you lot? It would make my days everso more interesting.

    I'm good at making tea and everything... I'll even buy the biscuits. My only demand would be that you seat me well away from that "Ms Bee" as she's just a bit odd and I wouldn't want, by process of osmosis - to catch whatever mental disease she has.

    Thanks.

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  38. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Oh we do like to be beside the Sieg Heil!

    Balls to you, apostrophe deficit boy, I wrote that subhead.

    We'll have some of those Fox's crinkle crunch jobbies, and you may sit in the corner. The corner of the basement. And don't spill the tea coming up the seven flights of stairs.

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  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Inverse Godwins Law

    First one to mention the Daily Mail loses.

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  40. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Perhaps...

    It could explain why the owners of Blackpool pleasure beach tried to call a new coaster 'The Zyklon Loop' a few years ago...

    Oh, Ms Bee, most disappointed,although I can see the attraction of Fox's crinkle thingies I had you down as a chocolate hob nob kind of girl.

    Paris, I bet she likes a hobnob with her cuppa.

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  41. Stevie

    Bah

    I can see it now: Post invasion Blackpool thrills to the latest illuminated tram in the shape of a Tiger Ausf E.

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  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just about on topic

    Took a while to find 'cause I thought it was a Mike Harding sketch

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elmfnHHs8Yg

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  43. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Eats shoots and leaves

    @SB: Lambasting misogyny is one thing, but having a crack at someone's mispunctuation just isn't funny. Period.

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  44. Alex Barwell
    Thumb Down

    Bastard

    The guy really was trying to f**k us up

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  45. Anonymous Coward
    Heart

    Re: Oh we do like to be beside the Sieg Heil!

    And you give very good subhead too, Ms Bee. Sehr gut. I, for one, celebrate the Register as an environment where punerasts and double-entendrists are permitted, nay encouraged, to express themselves without shame and free from the discrimination and abuse they suffer in the rest of society.

    I can't help thinking that a donkey ride on the beach might have seemed a bit tame after waging blitzkrieg across Europe.

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  46. Geoffrey W

    Worst town in Britain?

    Oh do shut up. The worst bit of Britain is that bit where Brits have gathered in any numbers to live. The rest is OK. I was always happiest sitting on top of Bleaklow with not a human being anywhere in sight.

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  47. j
    Joke

    England has the coolest names...

    For our wastelands, we only have boring names like Surrey, East Hastings, and Ottawa.

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  48. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There were a few places he wanted

    Willow Hall near Peterborough was another one reportedly.

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  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    surrey

    Don't fancy visiting surrey in England or Vancouver - even worse they both have a Guildford

    Though I suppose the chance of being shot in the Vancouver version is slightly higher at the moment

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  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Geoffrey W

    >Oh do shut up. The worst bit of Britain is that bit where Brits have gathered in any numbers to live

    Hell is other people ?

    Have to agree a little tho, peace is only attained at 11pm on a summers evening above 2000ft in the Lake district mountains in my case. If only I could ship the bloody noisy sheep off to Blackpool where they belong ....

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