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back to article FBI issues prosthetic pregnant belly bomb alert

The FBI and Department of Homeland Security are warning US law enforcement agencies to keep a sharp look-out for "a new type of terrorism" in which apparently-pregnant women suddenly go bang due to the fact they aren't really mums-to-be at all, but cold-hearted suicide bombers packing explosives inside a swelling prosthetic …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    "no specific, credible intelligence"

    So nothing new there then.

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  2. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Twist on an old line

    So it's a "bomb" in the oven then ?

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  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fake security has a real purpose

    Look, you might think all this stuff is just FBI dreaming up bad movie plots, but it has a serious purpose. They have a huge silly money budget and are trying to find ways to spend it.

    USA makes more US$ to inflate their economy. It dillutes their debts, and pays their bills. They may be $10 trillion in debt but they define what $ is, so they can define $ =0.5$ and magically they've halved their debt.

    What they try to do is pump this freshly printed money into the US economy. If they can create a domestic business with that money, it inflates their GDP (and reduces their debt as a fraction of GDP). It also reduces their trade inbalance as a percentage of their overall economy.

    They can't pump it into housing because that's over inflated. They can't give it to consumers because that would suck in imports. They can't pump it into stocks because PE ratios are already silly.

    They're stuck because they're making money in a vacuum, there's no huge boom in industry creating that wealth, rather the wealth is created and a boom needs to be found to attach it to.

    This is what this 'security' wackiness is all about. It's about finding somewhere to spend/waste billions in projects that will be done in the USA by American companies to inflate the US economy. That in turn pulls in foreign capital to invest in these cyber security firms which puts some substance validating that industry with some hard currency.

    It's all about the money, nothing else, they need to find endless silly security projects to pump these dollars into otherwise they'll have runaway hyper inflation.

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's to be hoped....

    ....that the airport security chappies don't test these sources of global terror the same way they were witnessed testing suspected exploding shoes...... By whacking them hard against something solid.

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Good to see...

    But why disguise yourself as a pregnant women (max explosive carrying capacity circa 10lbs) when you can disguise yourself as an average American and smuggle 200lbs of explosives under a golf shirt?

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...

    "the powers that be are reportedly a tad concerned that it's "actively recruiting people who look like Americans and sound like Americans to carry out the next attack on America"."

    They *look* like Americans, they *sound* like Americans, but they're *not* Americans, oh no, because legitimate US citizens don't blow things up. No, not Kaczynski, not McVeigh and not Nichols. If they blow things up, they must be foreigners.

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  7. Wal
    Coat

    Baby Boomers?

    I'll be off...

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  8. Alexander Hanff
    Alien

    Here's an interesting concept...

    Maybe, just maybe, the people that sound and look like Americans actually are Americans and maybe, again just maybe, these Americans are not actually being recruited by El Nasty but are in fact just ordinary American people who are pissed off with their "unelected" president and general state of their government???

    Alien because they told me to write this...

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  9. Norbury

    Britz

    Have they been watching Britz?

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  10. Test Man
    Joke

    Oh please!

    Seriously! Is this April 1st or something?

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    it'll be fat blokes next....

    I get enough trouble in airports for having a beard and looking swarthy. God knows what'll happen when they see the beer belly too.

    "Sir, is that your real belly or did someone pack it for you?"

    signed,

    the least islamic muslim you'll meet.

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  12. Laurent_Z
    Alien

    "Gosh, it's a Snuke !"

    "a Snuke ?"

    "Yes. It's a Nuke. In her Snatch !"

    South Park, season 2008 I think.

    Hilary Clinton was the bomber it this particular episode. And Cartman played Agent Bauer...

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  13. Stuart Van Onselen

    But what about...

    ...the "bomb in the prosthetic leg" trick? Or the "swallowing lots of explosive" bombers' ruse? Or the "small bomb hidden under the hat" bombers?

    Sure, we have no credible evidence that anyone plans on actually using these techniques, but we're sure they're thinking about it! And they could look and sound American, like that famous AQ operative Timothy Mcveigh*!

    In fact, the best thing to do is to be scared of _everyone_, all the time.

    (Please remember to be especially shocked at the immorality and deviousness involved in using the sacred state of pregnancy as a ruse.)

    *) No, seriously, some ultra-right lunatic actually wrote a book trying to link Mcveigh to AQ. 'Cos no God-fearing American could do something like that without being influenced by eeeevil Muslims, oh no!

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  14. Scott
    Pirate

    I guess...

    ... this isn't what they mean by a baby boom :|

    And they can't exactly x-ray pregnant women as that is supposedly harmful?

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  15. Rob McCann
    Flame

    I

    " I banged her and 9 months later she went POP ! "

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  16. Daniel Wilkie
    Coat

    I can give them some more...

    Explosive prosthetic manhoods, explosive prosthetic legs. In fact lets just stop anyone with prosthetics, or clothes entering the country eh? Is it just me or does this sound a bit paranoid?

    I'll get my coat - I need to go to the store and get some tinfoil before they sell out...

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  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    At least one of the black widows bombing is rumoured to be like that

    At least one of the Chechen "black widow" bombing of Russian flight a few year ago organised by Basaev is rumoured to be like this. Probably both.

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  18. Mark Ireland-Spicer
    Happy

    I loved the bit

    about: "actively recruiting people who look like Americans and sound like Americans to carry out the next attack on America". So in a country that has been populated by just about every race across the course of its history I'd love to know what an American looks like!!? I guess that actually means anyone not of middle-eastern origin, or perhaps you only qualify if you wear a checked shirt and are called Bubba!!

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  19. Breandan Goodall
    Coat

    And this is where I get-off folks

    Seriously. The will be more scares about threats that can't be mitigated, and more impractical travel restrictions, but this is the point at which I stop caring. I'll get me coat...

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  20. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Should've asked me!

    "opens up from the front and the explosives are placed inside"

    I would have designed it so that it opens from the back - that way the bulging belly doesn't have a telltale door!

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  21. greg

    72 virgins

    72 virgins for you and for ever might be a nice reason to give up your life as a young man (even though I'd take 2 experienced ones over 72 virgins every day as a much better deal...), I fail to see how this may help to recruit women suicide bombers...

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  22. Mark Duncan

    no specific, credible intelligence

    Yep, sounds like the FBI to me

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  23. Darren B

    Prosthetic Explosive Beer Bellies

    for the men no doubt.

    What about bulgarian airbags or moobs, I can see a whole new line in implants here, no need for body suits.

    And then there is ofcourse the explosive arse.

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  24. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Let's start here, shall we?

    "actively recruiting people who look like Americans and sound like Americans to carry out the next attack on America".

    That makes the prime suspect... Americans!

    They have the most likely match to the target group. Send 'em all to gBay for a week of interrogation, soon weed 'em out...

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  25. Ferry Boat

    TV dinner

    Wasn't that 'plot' on some programme on the BBC or Channel 4 a few months ago? So, the FBI have got around to viewing a TV programme. Mistook it for real life and said 'in the wake of recent attacks overseas' it's a gonna happen here.

    Really, the terrorists can just sit back and do nothing. We do it all for them. Now is the time to fear pregnant women. Wonder what they'll see on the telly next.

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  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why use a prosthetic belly?

    With enough patience and enough lube, they won't need a prosthesis...

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  27. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    the FBIs most dangerous enemy ....

    ... appears to be the FBI. Oh well, at least the US is safe from Al Quaeda for the next few days - they won't be able to move for p*ssing themselves with laughter.

    Paris because she *might* believe it

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  28. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    The solution...

    The solution is quite simple. Everyone flies in the nude!

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  29. James
    Pirate

    Oh for gods sake...

    Enough already.

    In Hitch hikers Guide to the Galaxy I remember there were the 3 space ships into which one planet packed all their "entirely" useless members of society. Is there any reason we can't do this with all the "fear-mongers" and "TerrorIndustry" moguls that come out with this rubbish?

    Next we'll have cops shooting pregnant women on the tube......... as well as people listening to MP3 players, using Mobile phones, listening to "Londons Burning", carrying dodgy looking CDs (in pairs as supplied by HMG Departments), carrying more than 100ml of liquid, carrying a wooden chair leg (oh - I forgot they'd already done that), using a GPS, using a 4 X 4 (could be going to ram the local airport), buying gas for the barbie, etc. etc.

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  30. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    ... or

    ... readers of Papillon will recall how Dega hid a spare pair of glasses from the prison guards ... I'm sure it's not beyond the wit of man to develop an appropriatelty shaped charge for the dedicated suicide bomber, who'd only need a seat next to the window ...

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  31. Chris
    Pirate

    War On Terror

    Unfortunately, it sounds like muslim women should now be subjected to random strip searching and maybe eventually even more intrusive probing in order to protect the _real_ innocent people. If they resist then they are probably terrorist sympathizers anyway. After all, if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear.

    It is incomprehennsibe why these people hate what America stands for. I guess that's what makes them pure evil and why George Bush's christian crusade must continue.

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  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Let's get gross & sick

    Loved the 200 pound yank. So if I may, I'd like to submit a recipe: take a 200lb woman, get her a liposuction, replace the extracted stuff with any flaccid explosive and stuff her pockets with hardened cashews, peanuts ... any pulses really. I'll leave the fuse for now.

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  33. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    HHGTTG...

    in the classic Hitch Hikers, the story went that 2/3 of society decided to rid themselves of the useless 1/2, so they invented a story about an asteroid crashing into the planet, and devised a plan to build 3 ships to evacuate the planet. However, they decided the "most important" 1/3 should go first (telephone sanitisers and media studies lecturers) as they felt it would be "good for morale for the remainder to know they could get a good haircut when they arrived".

    When the useless 1/3 crashed into the destination planet, they decided to use the "leaf" as a unit of currency leading to massive inflation. So their executive committee embarked on a plan of deforestation to tackle the problem.

    The destination planet was later revealed to be earth. And you thought it was far-fetched .....

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  34. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coat

    So now they can suspect people who look like ...

    Americans AND non-Americans. This saves them time deciding whether or not to suspect you (that can be so taxing on the average agent's mind (or what passes for it (yes these comments are getting recursive (I can handle that (can you? (if so do you know LISP)))))).

    hat (Aussie, not US-style), coat, gone

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  35. Name

    @Ferry Boat

    Episode 3.10 of Spooks (http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/spooks/series3_ep10.shtml) - wasn't the female would-be suicide bomber made to look pregnant, or something?

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  36. James Anderson
    Coat

    "no specific, credible intelligence"

    Was the spokesman reffering to himself, the department of homeland security or the whole administration.

    As the phrase could have been applied ot all three maybe el Reg could ask for calrification.

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  37. John Belshaw

    or a fake beer gut...

    Why target pregnant wormen, surely a fake "beer" gut could be larger and just as easy ?

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  38. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Look like Americans?

    Look like Americans and sound like Americans? Are they inferring that Canadians are involved again?

    For more proof see the Michael Moore documentary "Canadian Bacon".

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  39. Neil Kay
    Black Helicopters

    Ah...

    All of a sudden this spam I received a while back makes sense:

    "By ordering Penis Enlarge Patch, maximize your gains with our most Explosive Package!

    "

    Ouch!

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  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Prosthetic beer bellies

    Didn't somebody already make them literally for smuggling beer in?

    I recall the female equivalent was wittily titled the Wine Rack. Seriously, just pack them with liquid explosives and you're ready to kill yourself and hopefully not too many people who deserve to live.

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  41. Mike
    Coat

    It was to be expected

    It was only a matter of time before the next stage of the reproductive process became involved. After all 'Bush' is involved, we've got T.W.A.T. (The War Against Terror). It's time the womb was involved now...

    Mine's the maternity dress with the front zip for easy access to the Semtex, please...

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  42. Spleen
    Thumb Up

    This is a great idea

    Presumably the idea behind this is so that if a pregnant woman gets on a bus or a train, every single able-bodied person will leap up and crowd into the corner furthest away from her, allowing her to sit down and have plenty of space. It was our loss of respect for others that made this necessary, I tell you.

    Now all they have to do is issue a warning about bombs hidden in old ladies' wigs, and they'll get their seats back as well.

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  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nah

    I'm pretty sure that they can't pawn this off as some religious extremists(all though i'm sure they'd get away with it) Women and children are not allowed to be harmed even in Jihad(spelling...?) Thats one of the laws i think (lol theres a hand book :P)

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  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Nah

    ...what makes you think these Jihadis have anything to do with Islam ? Or do you believe the IRA were an offshot of the Catholic Church ?

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  45. Steve Evans
    Flame

    They missed a trick...

    Get a 11 stone terrorist and sticking him in a sumo suit full of semtex would be far more effective. He'll pass off as a burger loving infidel easily.

    Flammable icon seems ideal.

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  46. Mark

    Re: 72 virgins

    Yeah, would you hire a carpenter who'd never held a hammer?

    No.

    So I'd look for someone who's hammered a few nails in her time, if you know what I mean...

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  47. John Savard

    Well, one bit of evidence

    There were some actual women suicide bombers who came from Palestine into Israel; I remember a news item about one who had concealed the explosives in her private parts.

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  48. One-armed Freddy

    Hmm...

    Still not quite as terrifying as the hormone explosions you can get with actually pregnant women.

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  49. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    It's easy to mock.....

    But one of the reasons the 9/11 pilots weren't picked up was because nobody actually thought anyone would use a commercial airliner as a weapon rather than the old Palestinian trick of just hijacking them. A very real reason for the FBI report could be that the Palestinians have already tried the "pregnant" bomber trick against the Israelis (along with using the mentally handicapped, a trick AQ have since copied) and it wouldn't take a genius to predict AQ may look at some new options. Personally, I'd be more worried about the old drug mule trick of packing a dozen swallowers (hence the Paris icon) on a flight and just telling them the swallowed condoms that are packed with explosives are actually full of drugs. Just one going pop in a window seat should bring an airliner down.

    As for AQ looking for sympathisers that "look and sound American" they may just be looking for a replacement for American traitor and AQ propaganda fluffer Adam Gadahn, who may have met his seventy-two raisins in the same strike that took out al-Libi.

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  50. I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects
    IT Angle

    Where did all this anti UnitedStatesandAmericanism come from?

    7 years ago we all donated to the New York fire department fund. (OK if we'd know 12 months earlier maybe some of us would have sent in phones that worked.)

    30 years ago we forgave them Viet Nam. As anybody could make a mistake.

    60 years ago they were Europe's darling and every household in Britain gave a florin for a statue to one of their presidents.

    If George Bush died and we were invited to send a turd to to make a pile of shit to bury him in, the fund would be oversubscribed in an hour.

    Where did it all go wrong?

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